When I first started this blog, it was intended to update family members/friends about what was going on. When you and your husband are having surgeries, it's a lot harder to keep infertility a secret.
Once the cat was out of the bag, people wanted to know every single heart breaking detail. They cared, i get that. As many of you infertiles know, this isn't easy to live through... Let alone talk about. So when we would forget to tell one person something but would tell someone else, people would take things personal. We started to have to deal with a good amount of criticism.
Totally unfair? Absolutely. I turned into Angry Spice. People don't know what this is like. To those of you with children that would like to have an idea... Look around your house. There are photos, memories, cherished belongings your children have given you. Now imagine I come into your house and take all that away. These memories never happened. Imagine how different your life would be. That is the future we are facing.
As an effort to get some peace from the madness, we decided this blog would be great. We wanted to speak out. We wanted people to know what was happening. The problem is that honestly, most people will never understand this. Me writing about it really didn't change that. Those people that didn't understand, still don't understand. The criticism continued. Criticism at the worst possible time. It wasn't all bad, we did get tons of support because of it. However, one bad experience is one too many.. And a few is just more than I care to add to my plate right now.
Not long after I started the blog, I came across this amazing group of women that offered support. They understood. MY INTERNET FRIENDS! This place became a source of therapy. Soon the purpose of this blog shifted, from update family/friends to support group.
When I first started the blog, I was writing in past tense about things that already happened. I never really thought about how we would handle the next round.
As more and more time goes by, it's clear, we have to keep this private. Since real world people read the blog, we really don't know how to handle it. It stinks, because I wish We could talk about the this. I wish I could have that support I've found here when going through this next transfer.
So, in conclusion, self preservation wins... When is the transfer? We aren't telling, at least for now. We can only deal with this right now. Our own feelings. Adding more to that is simply not an option this next go around.
We'd like to see rainbows shooting out of everyone's ass this next go around. :)
To the internet friends, I feel so incredibly guilty about this.