Once the cat was out of the bag, people wanted to know every single heart breaking detail. They cared, i get that. As many of you infertiles know, this isn't easy to live through... Let alone talk about. So when we would forget to tell one person something but would tell someone else, people would take things personal. We started to have to deal with a good amount of criticism.
Totally unfair? Absolutely. I turned into Angry Spice. People don't know what this is like. To those of you with children that would like to have an idea... Look around your house. There are photos, memories, cherished belongings your children have given you. Now imagine I come into your house and take all that away. These memories never happened. Imagine how different your life would be. That is the future we are facing.
As an effort to get some peace from the madness, we decided this blog would be great. We wanted to speak out. We wanted people to know what was happening. The problem is that honestly, most people will never understand this. Me writing about it really didn't change that. Those people that didn't understand, still don't understand. The criticism continued. Criticism at the worst possible time. It wasn't all bad, we did get tons of support because of it. However, one bad experience is one too many.. And a few is just more than I care to add to my plate right now.
Not long after I started the blog, I came across this amazing group of women that offered support. They understood. MY INTERNET FRIENDS! This place became a source of therapy. Soon the purpose of this blog shifted, from update family/friends to support group.
When I first started the blog, I was writing in past tense about things that already happened. I never really thought about how we would handle the next round.
As more and more time goes by, it's clear, we have to keep this private. Since real world people read the blog, we really don't know how to handle it. It stinks, because I wish We could talk about the this. I wish I could have that support I've found here when going through this next transfer.
So, in conclusion, self preservation wins... When is the transfer? We aren't telling, at least for now. We can only deal with this right now. Our own feelings. Adding more to that is simply not an option this next go around.
We'd like to see rainbows shooting out of everyone's ass this next go around. :)
To the internet friends, I feel so incredibly guilty about this.
I feel incredibly guilty for not keeping friends and family in the loop, but I just don't want to update people on each and every miserable failed cycle. And, when I do get pregnant, I certainly don't want people to know at 4 weeks. Hell, I probably will wait until 14 weeks to tell people. If I ever make it that far. Untelling is awful. I will support you while remaining the in the dark.
ReplyDeleteI totally get where you are coming from. As much as we all love hearing updates, it makes total sense that you don't want everyone knowing about all of the intimate details (especially those IRL). I am here for you regardless and I can't wait until the day that you surprise us with your pregnancy announcement! :)
ReplyDeleteI'll just be waiting to hear the good news, chuckling at the picture of unicorn rainbow farts in the meantime :)
ReplyDeleteI get where you are coming from as well. We told almost no one about anything for years. Then we share some information with my parents. Prior to conceiving Leland we only shared with our parents and four friends – and most of these people we only told a few weeks prior to the transfer. Then…we lied to everyone about our BETA date to buy us some time to digest the news whether it be good or bad.
ReplyDeleteI once had a counselor hound me about not needing to be so ashamed of my infertility. I kept telling her I wasn’t ashamed and she kept pointing to my extreme privacy (secrecy). I may have been private, but never ashamed. Finally, I had a very wise person sum it up perfectly. I was managing my stress well by only sharing with people who would support and not stress me. And I was keeping it from people who I knew would stress me, even if their stressing me would come from a place of care and love.
Good luck – and lots of baby dust – as you go forward. I look forward to updates when the time comes!!!!
totally understandable, but if you're missing the support you could always start a new blog and email the address to your infertility friends.
ReplyDeleteTotally gettable.
ReplyDeleteI unicorn fart in your general direction.
I totally understand your viewpoint - if anybody from IRL read my blog, there would be no way I'd share any real-time information either! I hope you don't feel like I was prying with my question yesterday ... and don't feel guilty at all about sharing if you're not ready to. Katery's idea is a good one, if you'd like to try to get the best of both worlds. In the meantime, I'll just sit tight and wait to be surprised by your good news sometime in the future :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously awesome picture. I need to blow that up poster size or get it tattooed on my forehead!
ReplyDelete