Monday, November 26, 2012

You have died of dysentery!



I simply could not make this stuff up if I tried… and because of this… I know that “The Secret”  That asinine book I’ve been reading is totally full of it.  

So on Thursday, AKA Thanksgiving Day, my husband cooked the turkey.  It’s his thing, he loves to do it, I don’t… and that’s that.  He started cooking the turkey early in the morning.  Around 3:00pm I notice that the light in the oven is off.  

Note: at this time the turkey temperature is 160*’s and it needs to get to 160*.  

I look up to turn the stove light on, and the whole display panel is off… indicating that the power is out.  Initially I thought we blew a fuse.  I ran to the fuse box… we did not blow a fuse.  The oven, just the oven, as the stove top still was working called it quits. 

I believe it belted out something to the effect of… “and Im spent!!!!!!!!!”

All of our sides were cooked/warmed on the grill…. Along with the pumpkin bread pudding I had prepped for dessert.  

You know, because life simply has been too easy on us.  Now lets add this to the mix.  

Dinner was a success, although the universe is truly trying to sabotage me. ( I stick two middle fingers up to the sky!!!! Take that sucka’s!!!!!!)

We ended up going and getting a new stove on Sunday evening.  The sales guy laughed while he informed us that we got to Sears exactly one hour before the sale ended.  

Im not quite sure whether I am winning or losing these days. 

I still have a giant hole in my stomach.  The pictures don’t do it much justice.  I am about 5 weeks past surgery. This is insanity.  The doctors don’t seem to care that there is a HOLE IN MY STOMACH!  I kind of liked my stomach sans hole.



This Lupron is sucking the freaking life out of me.  Actually, I am not sure if it’s the Lurpon or this fucking “journey” that is sucking the life out of me.  I feel like I am in the video game The Oregon Trail.  This FET had better work, if not… I do not have it in me to do this again.   I think if it doesn’t work, it’s game over.  

source

PS.  I DVR those shows... Dateline mysteries.  The most recent one that recorded.... 

The guy who helped write The Secret, or develop the philosophy was the same guy that accidentally killed the people in the sweat lodge in Arizona.  According to the principles of  The Secret, he is a murderer.  I did not know this.   

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

November ICLW.

It's been a while since I have participated.  So welcome! 

For those of you new here, it's probably best that you just pop over to the timeline.  I'll try to sum up our journey, it's very uplifting... Im messed up, hubs is messed up, I have lap/hys, he has surgery, straight to IVF, IVF=FAIL, do not respond to stimulation, donor embryo... First FET with donor embryos=Fail, laproscopy surgery again, allergic to glue, currently in the beginning of FET cycle number two with donor embryos. 

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for two years now.  This journey does end for some people right?  It's been long and tiresome. 

Should anyone have questions regarding donor embryo, or anything else, feel free to email me.

I am starting FET cycle number two, these are long and boring cycles. Six weeks long beginning to end. I'm currently injecting with Lupron and I start estrace on Friday. I had my baseline check today, all was well... YAY!  I have a lining check in 2 weeks. 

Now a brief story that is not made up, this actually happened:


I was driving to a doctors appointment, quite proud of myself because I wasnt running late.  Suddenly flashing lights from behind.  The officer informs me that I didnt "roll through a stop sign, but I didnt exactly come to a complete stop".  What is that?!?  So he asks for the usual, license, insurance and registration.  Of course, the only insurance card I can find is expired.  So he goes back to his car and does whatever they do.  He comes back... now I can see that I am going to get a ticket.  I had to name drop my husbands cousins name because she is his boss to get out of it (shameful I know).  The guy starts huffing and puffing.  He says he is still giving me a ticket for the insurance, but I can dispute it.  I said fine.  Then he says the craziest thing... he cant let me drive without insurance.  He informs me he is going to escort me home.  I assume he means to find an insurance card.  So here I am getting followed home by a cop.  Then I get in the driveway and he's like... are you okay?  uhhh... am I okay he's the one with the problem. Then he drives off.  Now I feel like this is a trap.  Am I not allowed to leave my house until I find an insurance card?  So I call the insurance company, in Delaware, it's illegal to email a copy of the insurance card... WTH. I was finally able to print something out so I wasnt riding dirty.  I was scared it was a trap, like he was sitting at the end of  my road.  The cops name: Officer McCracken (true story).  Officer McCracken has a real boner for the law.



tryin to catch me riding dirty.

Anyway, I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!


Friday, November 16, 2012

The Secret.

Desperation will make you do a lot of things you wouldn't normally do.  In desperation, I recently started reading "The Secret". 

So get this, the secret is that anything bad that has happened to you... you did it to yourself, yea it really says that.  You secretly asked the universe for this.  I really do not recall asking the universe FOR THIS!  However, in desperation, I will run with this idea... because I will be one to admit... my current way of thinking is not really working out for me. 

So apparently when we all hoped we weren't infertile, the universe heard "infertile" and ran with it... wish granted.  I think there was a slight misunderstanding between me and the universe.  What I'm getting from this book is that if you lie to yourself and pretend... whatever it is that you want is going to happen... it happens.  I am fairly certain there is a clinical term for this called DENIAL, but whatever. 

The book seriously says to pretend your bills are checks and be grateful for them.... then bam!  The universe grants you with cash.  MAGIC! 

SERIOUSLY!  IF I ONLY KNEW THE SECRET YEARS AGO. 

So with that said, I have received lots of checks in the mail.  I also lost 50 pounds.  I am currently the proud parent to healthy triplets (making up for lost time here).  My beach house is freaking amazing.  My life is amazing! You are all jealous of me!  Tomorrow we are going to the gala.

I strongly recommend the read if for nothing else, entertainment purposes.  We will all have our wishes granted! 

I really have to do anything and everything to turn this around.  Right now... I have the foulest attitude known to man.  I have contemplated quiting this cycle. My head just isnt right this time around. 

Do you have a song that you hear and it really helps to get your head back in the infertility game? A pep talk of sorts...

For me, it is Florence and the Machine "Shake it out" video  

I think I hear this song when I really really need it the most. Do you ladies have a song?  Because right now.. I need to create a playlist.

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...


 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Thanksgiving=meltdown.

I've been trying to "do well"  but I am not.  I am so sick and tired of everything being so damn difficult.  Everything.  As we approach the fictitious due date of the failure IVF... I approach flipping out. 

Due date would have been Thanksgiving day.  Oh there would have been so much to be thankful for.  It was going to be glorious.  Well that isnt the case and in fact, my life is in fucking shambles.   We have since bought embryos online, had a failed FET, a surgery... I have a fucking hole in my stomach.  A hole.  Today my co worker (we're close and track it's progress daily because were bff's) asked me when that hole was going to heal up.  I had hoped by 3 weeks it would be healed... but its not... still a gaping hole in my stomach. The welt is going away though. The itch is going away. 


 
The picture doesnt give the hole much justice because i had just packed it with ointment.  But as you can see the welt is going away. 
 
It's these standout "holidays" that sting the worse.. You'd like to look back and realize how far you have come, but instead you look back and find out you are still stuck in the same same spot with more battle scars... both physical and emotional.
 
 
Today a doctor who is aware that we were doing because he tried to give me some steroids the day of a transfer told me unsolicited... as in we were not talking about my effed up life that my life should be a lifetime network movie.  I laughed because it's true... but Im not really in the mood for this. 
 
Im averaging a daily cry at my desk at work.  Im not really a crier.   My patience is wearing thin.  This situation is getting on my freaking nerves.  Im sick of doctors office visits, needles, being probed, nothing going according to plan... nothing at all.  We are tired of this garbage.... tired!   I dont know how some of you ladies do this shit for 2 plus years.  I really do not know.
 
I feel like Im living in a dirty tampon commercial, if they had those. 
 
This, however, did make me happy.  I was watching Blackout (the show where people guess stuff in the dark).  I told you I watch bad TV... but this was hilarious.  They were smelling items and had to guess... dirty socks, fish, and then this....  
 
 
The answer was butt.  He is sniffing in someone's ass.  Suddenly all was right with the world.
 
 


Monday, November 12, 2012

Every day we are cycling....

Sung to Party Rock and you have yourself a catchy little tune. That's what this feels like.  Now where are those dancing hamsters?


So we started this next cycle.  Doping began last night.  I expect this to be relatively uneventful because FET cycles are so long, and boring.... totaling about 6 weeks.  No follicles to admire. Nada.  Plus at this point, it's our third transfer. We are sort of experts now... and after this, we will have sampled all of the RE's at our clinic and be able to make a recommendation to any patients based on what they need.  (I wish there was a sarcastic smiley face).  I can think of nothing better than being those straggler patients that dont get knocked up and ruin the clinics statistics.  That's us.

On that note.... I leave you with this:

Last cycle, there was an injury during a doping session.  Im questioning whether it was an accident, my husband has threatened me on numerous occasions with the progesterone needle (in jest... so he says). So I had just got my shot and my husband was rubbing the oil in my arse.  Romantic right?

I reached back... and this happened.


The needle went through my finger and punctured my other finger.  It didnt actually hurt that bad, but when I saw it I thought I was going to vomit. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Update: Another PSA... to save you money.

The endometriosis scam of 2012 did not work... wah!

But I am in need of some good baby Karma and thought I would pass this along.

Lupron out of pocket prices at the pharmacy recommended by the RE 535.92/vial.  I need two.

At another pharmacy: 857/vial

At Caremark: 198/vial... I will take two please. Oh whats that... they even throw in complimentary alcohol wipes and biohazard containers... Yes please!

Should you need meds... I'd highly recommend calling Caremark at 1-877-408-9742 option number 1

Anyone else have any tips/ steals on meds? 

Update: My Re office called me... the original pharmacy that quoted 535 also makes their own formulation of the drug.  This version has to be refridgerated (who cares) and costs 89/vial out of pocket.  I asked if they deliver to anyone and she said anyone with a prescription to Lurpon can get it.  It's at Rosemont pharmacy 1-610-525-0927.  They fedex all orders next day.... so no worries if you arent in the PA area.


So after 45 minutes of being on hold and a whole lot of time being pissed off  I canceled my previous order and ordered through the original company.  This is all so insane to me.  I hope this helps someone.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Calgon take me away



I am in such a bad mood.  A bad mood doesn’t even begin to put a dent in it.  A colossal foul mood.  Throw a temper tantrum… while sitting at my desk… crying all by myself bad mood.

Yesterday, I went back to the RE because my stomach still looks like this 2 weeks post surgery.  For two freaking weeks I have had an itch that can only be equated to that of a yeast infection on my entire stomach.  For two weeks I have wanted to crawl out of my skin.  The steroids initially helped, but once I was down to 3 pills in the pack, it came back with vengeance.  I officially look like I have syphilis…. Actually I wish I had syphilis because I’ve heard that is easily treatable.  This on the other hand is some crazy thing never seen or treated before.




Yesterday, I went to the RE and you know… it’s like talking to your grandma with dementia… to everyone.  What’s wrong?  Start all over. Explain everything all over again, only for her to go get a nurse… where we rinse and repeat. Only for her to get a doctor where we rinse and repeat.  Only for him to tell me that they specialize in vagina’s not rash’s… NO SHIT! And to have him forward me to a dermatologist. 

Go wait in the waiting room while we try to schedule you at the dermatologist. 

Okay…. Tick tick tick tick…

Okay… we have an appointment for you at 5:10pm at the dermatologist.

Go back to work.

Leave to go to that appointment.  Right when I get on the interstate ramp… the windshield wiper blade popped off of the wiper.  There is a nor’easter and now Im stuck on the interstate behind a tractor trailer with no wiper on the driver side.  I cant leave the wiper on because the metal is scratching the glass, and the wiper is hanging on by a thread and I don’t want to lose it on the interstate.  I get off the interstate, fix it in the pouring rain. Happy to be alive.

Get to the dermatologists office.   Fill out all 900 pages of that paperwork.   Get called in and have to talk to the nurse.  I tell her everything.  Again, she calls for back up.  Rinse repeat.  I think you are allergic to the antibiotic.  This rash is everywhere. 

No, I am not allergic to the antibiotic.  I had the rash before I took that.  Well I think you have an infection.  No you have cellulitis.  You have idding (whatever the hell that is).  No You have an infection and cellulitis.  I have no idea what I actually left with being diagnosed as having, but I did leave with them calling in two prescriptions for a steroid cream and an antibiotic cream.  

At this point, I do not feel like waiting at the pharmacy.  I just want to go home.  I call my husband and ask him to pick up the prescription.  It should be ready by the time he gets there. 

Well it wasn’t.  In fact they didn’t even have the script.  So he’s calling me  and I’m calling the dr’s office which is now after hours so Im getting the message service.  Then he calls me and tells me that they only have one script.  I just knew it is going to be the antibiotic… the one I don’t really really need!  Husband asks the pharmacist which script do they have… naturally the antibiotic.  Im calling the after hours number again.  Then they found the script, then oh wait they didn’t, then they really did find it.

Are you freaking kidding me right now with all of this?  

Finally, husband gets home and I get a shower because I am about to crawl out of my skin.  So the creams are applied and things are looking better. Lets not get ahead of ourselves there is still plenty of time for shit to hit the fan.

Suddenly it dawns on me that I ordered all of the meds except Lupron and I need to start taking that on Sunday.  So after much fuss dealing with my new prescription coverage last week with this, I decided to follow up with them to see what was going on.  Its with Caremark for those of you that may have had to deal with them.  They were supposed to call me back on Monday with a plan. Today I find out that I have a person assigned to me and she will call me back.  Well can you please tell me why I have to call her?  Why after 6 days of having the prescription has she not contacted me?  So Im slightly agitated.  I leave her the voicemail.  She calls back while Im on the phone with the other pharmacy trying to get a back up plan in place.  Then I call her back.  She tells me that I do not have prescription coverage on infertility drugs.  Yea I knew that, but after three cycles of this… I am a professional scam artist.  So I reply… well it’s not for infertility, it’s for the treatment of endometriosis. After I said that, she was stumped and said she would talk to the department that approves it and see if it is covered.  So that is still out there, fingers crossed that gets approved through insurance.

On top of that… it’s been one of those days at work where people are asking you random questions before you even get to your desk.  You know those days where other people don’t do their job, and it becomes your problem.  I don’t feel good, I’m tired, I’m itchy and the world is annoying me.

This seems like it has easily become a full time job again.  I need an assistant.

Monday, November 5, 2012

I need a sign.

I went back to work today.  After spending a half day here, I can honestly say it's a toss up as to which I would rather have... hives or be at work?

Uff... I really need to get my life in order, but then again... that's sort of a joke.

The universe has a funny way of poo pooíng any plans I make. 

I think I need a sign... because right now the universe is telling me I should live under an overpass and pick up a drug habit.

You?  Any life plans? 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Infertility ruins everything

Every year we go to Punkin Chunkin... beer, pumpkin flavored funnel cake, and pumpkins getting flung a mile in the air.  To us nerds, there is nothing better.  If you have never heard of it, look it up, it is insane. 

http://www.punkinchunkin.com/

This year, because of surgical complications, Im sitting on my couch instead. 

Waaaaah!  Infertility ruins everything!

If you live in the area, it's highly reccomended.  Oh well, maybe next year.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Liebster Award

D at My Life is about the Journey     was so kind as to nominate me for an award.... it's a major award!  I cant even believe people read this.  More importantly, I am so happy to have found others going through some similar situations that understand. 

So here's how this goes... I answer her 11 questions and then I nominate my favorite bloggers and get them to answer 11 of my questions.

So here goes nothing:

1.  Skiing vacation or beach vacation?  Which is your idea of how to spend a relaxing day?
      I have a long list of irrational fears... one of them is killing a child while skiing down the bunny
     slope.  So I prefer the beach.  My idea of a relaxing day would be at the beach in the Caribbean
     somewhere.  Sitting next to my husband with a drink in hand.

2.  Coffee or tea?
     Well that depends on the temperature of the drink.  If cold, I prefer tea... If hot, coffee.  The
     thought of iced coffee turns my stomach. It's not something I have ever tried, nor do I ever intend
     to.  Siiiiiiiiiiick... cold coffee.... shivers.

3.  Do you have any pets?  If so, what kinds?
     I have two dogs, Doc and Lucy.  Doc is a yellow lab, and Lucy is a Weimaraner.
     Here's a video I took during the hurricane to showcase some of their antics.  The flash, is Lucy. 
     She had cabin fever.
video

4.  Do you have any siblings?  If so, how many?  Are you close to them?
     I have a brother and a sister.  Honestly, I hate their guts.  Just kidding!  I am the oldest, then My
     sister-nurse of the year and my baby brother (he will always be my baby brother) he is a bar
     tender and I love that he makes me drinks.

5.  iPhone, BlackBerry, Droid, or other cell phone?  Iphone.  Why use anything else?

6.  What is your favorite type of cuisine (i.e. Italian, Chinese, etc.)?  Italian.... I heart carbs!

7.  What is the biggest part of your life that IF or PL has affected?
     Well in an attempt to be more positive, I will start out with this.  I have a pretty amazing marriage
     because of it.

     It has taken over everything... finances, friendships, work.  This shit sucks.
     
8.  Do you have a lot of good friends or a few great friends?
     I'd prefer to have a few great friends. 

9.  If you could meet one famous person (dead or alive) who would it be and why?
     Im going to own something pretty major here.... BRITNEY SPEARS pre shaved head.  I am a dork.

10.  What is your favorite Halloween candy?
       I love candy corn. 

11.  If you could have one wish (except for more wishes, haha) what would it be?
       For my husband to be a father.  I really can not imagine a more deserving person.  Obviously I
       would not like to see him become a father due to a sordid affair.  Although given his SA, I don't
       think I need to worry about that... hahaha... I crack myself up.  Love him.  I think I read in the
       infertility handbook that if you are both messed up, it's perfectly acceptable to make fun of each
       other

So here's where I come up with 11 of my own questions.... uff.  I should probably tell you I am not having a particularly great day.  I am day drinking, by myself, on steroids post allergic reaction... did I just paint a vivid picture of where I am at right now?

1.  What is your most embarrassing obsession (example: Me=Britney Spears)?
2.  Do you like dogs?  Do you have pets?
Pinned Image
http://media-cache-lt0.pinterest.com/upload/64246732154311371_lBOksecX.jpg
3.  What are you most Thankful for this year?
4.  Seriously, how fucking bad does infertility suck?
5. Sometimes people say they would not wish infertility on their worst enemy... I'm not sure I fall into that category because I am a jerk... What is your stance on that?  Im sure you are all better people than I am.
6.  What is your favorite dessert? 
7.  What is your most embarrassing moment?   Mine was when I walked into a street light in Philly and my head made  a noise so loud that people across the street were laughing.  I cant blame them, I would have died if I saw that.
8.  Besides fertility treatments, what would you do if you won the lotto... bigtime?
9.  If I were to tell you to just relax you will get pregnant what horrible things are you doing to me in your mind?
10.  Wine or Beer?  I prefer wine, not because Im sophisticated, but because it packs a punch.
11.  If money were of no big thang, where would you move?

So here's my list:
1. Erin @ http://erinvns.wordpress.com/
2.  Lisa @ http://hapahopes.blogspot.com/
3. Janet @ http://janetoffkilter.blogspot.com
4. Stupid Stork @ stupidstork.blogspot.com

Im way too into my drink to cut and paste more links into my blog.  Melt down continues....

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Public Service Announcement



This is a PSA:  Apparently you can be allergic to the surgical glue dermabond, and when you are... it looks like this:


 I think this picture is upside down

I normally would not post such pictures of my lard, but seriously.... seriously!  I have been popping 2 benedryl every 2-3 hours because it just itches that bad!  There are two more incisions that look like this but those are near my lady bits and I believe it is illegal to post in 29 of 50 states. I'll spare you the details.

Today I had what was supposed to be my check up from surgery, this was with my real doctor.... whew.  She took one look at it and said this is a severe allergic reaction to dermabond glue.  Last time you had this surgery we didn't use this.  I can tell because we didn't use it on you belly button, and you don't have a reaction there. She said that I likely have a secondary infection because everything is so inflamed and nasty (paraphrased). 

She gave me steroids and said this should clear things up.  Crisis averted.  I can not wait for this to kick in.  Oh my God... please stop this itching! 

Surgery summary:  she's really glad we did the surgery because the pathology came back and I did have polyps in my ute.  At the time of surgery, she couldn't really see.  So this makes me feel better. 
The old ute is fresh and clean.  We scheduled the next cycle.  Meds start 11/11... and so here we go... on to the next one.