Tuesday, November 13, 2012


I've been trying to "do well"  but I am not.  I am so sick and tired of everything being so damn difficult.  Everything.  As we approach the fictitious due date of the failure IVF... I approach flipping out. 

Due date would have been Thanksgiving day.  Oh there would have been so much to be thankful for.  It was going to be glorious.  Well that isnt the case and in fact, my life is in fucking shambles.   We have since bought embryos online, had a failed FET, a surgery... I have a fucking hole in my stomach.  A hole.  Today my co worker (we're close and track it's progress daily because were bff's) asked me when that hole was going to heal up.  I had hoped by 3 weeks it would be healed... but its not... still a gaping hole in my stomach. The welt is going away though. The itch is going away. 

The picture doesnt give the hole much justice because i had just packed it with ointment.  But as you can see the welt is going away. 
It's these standout "holidays" that sting the worse.. You'd like to look back and realize how far you have come, but instead you look back and find out you are still stuck in the same same spot with more battle scars... both physical and emotional.
Today a doctor who is aware that we were doing because he tried to give me some steroids the day of a transfer told me unsolicited... as in we were not talking about my effed up life that my life should be a lifetime network movie.  I laughed because it's true... but Im not really in the mood for this. 
Im averaging a daily cry at my desk at work.  Im not really a crier.   My patience is wearing thin.  This situation is getting on my freaking nerves.  Im sick of doctors office visits, needles, being probed, nothing going according to plan... nothing at all.  We are tired of this garbage.... tired!   I dont know how some of you ladies do this shit for 2 plus years.  I really do not know.
I feel like Im living in a dirty tampon commercial, if they had those. 
This, however, did make me happy.  I was watching Blackout (the show where people guess stuff in the dark).  I told you I watch bad TV... but this was hilarious.  They were smelling items and had to guess... dirty socks, fish, and then this....  
The answer was butt.  He is sniffing in someone's ass.  Suddenly all was right with the world.


  1. i know how you feel, i really do. i am not a crier either but when we were doing treatments any and everything made me cry.
    my incisions that were closed with dermabond took a year to heal, i really hope you have better luck.
    hang in there

    1. I have another appointment this week. Was there anything magical that ended up working? Or just time? I hate having this while cycling and I am worried that this may lead to additional crap. Right now I'm all filled up On crap!

  2. I am so sorry girlie. :( How awful. Wish I could give you a big hug right now.

  3. I hear you sista!

  4. You poor old thing. I hope your tummy heals up soon. Hugs.

  5. Nobody should have to live through an unfulfilled due date, especially one that falls on Thanksgiving, and especially while also suffering a hole in the stomach. Take good, good care of yourself.


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