Thursday, September 27, 2012

Honda Helen

Back by popular demand... Honda Helen!

Have you ever met someone that is so loud, has a larger than life spirit... So loud that after they leave a room you can still hear them? That is my grandmother. I don't actually think I've mourned her death yet, because I swear to you... I can still here her plain as day.

Growing up we would always dance to the Jitterbug. It drove her nuts that I never ate the crust of bread. So wasteful!

For a while she was my school bus driver. In fact, she once told me if I ever got bad grades that she would help dispose of the evidence. So one day, I got the courage to toss my bad grade papers down the street after exiting her bus of course it was a windy day and my Mom caught some of the papers blowing down the street. Mission failed!

I will never forget not long after she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had her breast removed. The cancer society gave her a fancy bra with a fake boob in it. After a few tries, she gave up on the bra. She said it was too heavy. She preferred the prosthetic my grandfather made for her... WAIT FOR IT.... A BAG OF BIRDSEED. It would not be an abnormal occurrence to hear the following in their house.... "Tom!!! GO GET ME MY BIRDSEED PLEASE!"

She was touch and go for over a year. One day I got the phone call to come to the hospital immediately, things weren't looking good. I rushed there. My grandfather was so upset. I'm crying, he's crying, we're saying our goodbyes. All of the sudden she opens her eyes and sees me in her face crying. She had a look terror. I'm rubbing her hand telling her I love her. This continues for a few more minutes. She looks totally confused. Well it turns out the hospital called the wrong family. She wasn't that close to the light. Once we got her oxygen mask off she was talking up a storm. Comic relief!

One of her favorite movies was Pootie Tang. Yes, you heard that right. I'd also be willing to bet she has a VHS of every episode of PeeWee's Playhouse... NOW YOU SAID THE MAGIC WORD!!! AHHHHHH! (only makes sense if you watched PeeWees playhouse)

As she got sicker, we discussed her wishes. She wanted to be cremated but wanted a headstone. I remember her telling me that she wanted people to know she had lived. In hindsight, I wish she knew that it would be impossible for anyone to ever forget that.

Look at that picture of my grandparents! I die every time I see it! Love them.

The one of her and me in the pool with her butt stuck in it is my all time favorite.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Working for the weekend

I went back to work two weeks ago. Day one was great, because Grimace (my boss) was on vacation.

Not long after my arrival that day my boss's boss asked me to come down to his office. I complied. We discussed what happened before I left and he looked at me shocked. Long story short, he told me that Grimace admitted to him that the things he said/did were out of line and not his finest moment. I told boss's boss that I hope he really means what he said. I explained that I do not have a good feeling about him, but that I am cautiously optimistic. I just want to move forward.

Yay me.

So then I had a review by Grimace. I was prepared for war. However, he did the unthinkable. He read directly from the paper and said I did a good job. No insane comments. Nothing. I was baffled. I know he nearly choked not being able to say anything crazy.

So I began to think maybe, just maybe he meant what he said. Maybe he really was sorry.

And then Friday happened. I went in his office to discuss two vacation days I have scheduled. He then took this opportunity to tell me that he was glad that I was gone. I sat there with a face that could only have been translated as... WTF? Here we go. He then told me I was on a downward spiral and he is glad that I got the help I needed. Speechless. This man is insane.

When I told my husband what happened, he asked if I was calling because I needed to be bailed out of jail. You won't see me on an episode of "Snapped", but I do sit at my desk thinking very not nice things.

Example: Tuesday we had tornado warnings. I couldn't help but wish a downward spiral might drop a house on his fat ass!Image link

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A Weird Glimpse Into My Marriage... Im tardy :(

Well Im late on this assignment from Stupid Stork.  Better late than never!  I totally forgot.  Okay, okay truth is I have a mild Zumba obsession and needed to get my jiggle on. 

My husband deserves some sort of medal for sainthood.  I have a mild habit of thinking up the most ridiculous questions to ask him.... just to see what he might say.  Nothing phases him.... nothing! 

Example: Me- "Remind me to print out instructions for turning urine into drinking water.You know, when the apocalypse happens, the internet will be down.  I will really need that for my emergency kit"

Him: "Okay" Not even an eye roll... come on, really! 

There is a lot of laughter in our house.  A lot!  If you were a fly on the wall, you may see us springing up from the couch like we just nailed a dismount during the gymnastic finals at the Olympics.  We also may burst into figure skating poses in the kitchen.  We have fun... stupid fun. 

He has become the human PEZ dispenser for our dog Lucy.  Yes, he sticks ice in his mouth and Lucy the 80 pound Weimaraner comes and takes it from his mouth.  You can not chew ice in our house without her jumping up wondering why the ice dispenser (us) is broken. 

The man will load a dishwasher, which I appreciate, but has an aversion to hitting start! 

He also has an obsession with red solo cups.  Im an avid recycler, okay more like a psychotic recycler.  So when we are in the house, why cant you drink out of a regular cup?  Mother nature wants that, I want that!  So after numerous talks about it, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I hid the cups!  Imagine my surprise when days later he is drinking out of red solo cups again.  Joke was on me!  He then informs me that he has a stash.  It took me months to find it, but it was under the bathroom sink.  Seriously who does that?  I believe he has a future on "My Strange Addiction". 

He is my very best friend.  I am so lucky to have him. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

To the internet friends

First, let me apologize for being a bad blogger.  The truth is I have nothing to say.  I am on the pill, there is nothing really going on.... but I miss all of my internet friends. So Im in a weird spot, so please bear with me.

Remember in 1996 when the internet was all the rage?  My grandmother became obsessed with the internet, it was kind of awesome.  She always had a story or joke to tell.  She would always start the story with... "My internet friend from <insert a totally random country here>" 

Example:  "My internet friend from Iraq was telling me that gas costs $8.00 a gallon over there." 

I always had  a good laugh around her.  Well for starters, she was a grandmother that went on the internet.  Not all that common.  Also, the notion of her having friends on the internet was totally insane to me.  People that she had so much in common with, yet she had never met.

"Really  Mom-mom? Friends?  I think you have lost your mind Mom-Mom! " 

Well, she recently passed away,  and I'm pretty sure she just rolled over in her grave!  More and more, I've found myself telling my husband stories from my friends on the internet.  Each time I say it, I laugh and think of Honda Helen. 

Above is a real picture of my real grandmother.  I somehow went my whole life without knowing that in addition to having friends online, she also had a motorcycle that she drove around town.  The newspaper wrote an article about it called "Honda Helen".  I thought it was a joke.  It wasnt. 
So, to all my internet friends... thank you so much for being such a great support system.  It has meant so much to me.
I suppose the apple doesnt fall far from the tree.