God has a sense of humor

I just had what could be the most horrific conversation I have ever had in my entire life.  A conversation that was so bad that it crossed over to hilarious.  After yesterday, any of the following would have sent me into a crying fit... However the conversation as a whole... Priceless.  If you ever wondered why people dealing with these issues, sit festering in silence... it's because of the following.  THERE ARE SOME IGNORANT ASS PEOPLE OUT THERE.   

This woman at work is actually very nice.  I know she meant no malice.  I also thank God that it came from her, because if it were anyone else, I would have likely been escorted out of the building after punching her in the face. 

Her: You working the week of the 4th? 
Me: Yes
Her: No vacation?
Me: No
Her: Do you have kids
Me: No
Her: How old are you? 
Me: 32
Her: you must not want kids (3x's as she stood there waiting for a response)
Me: no, that's not it, we've been having problems (now I only said this because Im in this insane place where I feel superstitious about everything... Like me answering these questions incorrectly will have an effect on my future, like a bizarre test from God)

Her: (gesture to a penis pump)
Me: no it's not that
Her: well just get a surrogate
Me: it's not that easy
Her: just adopt or foster
Me: were sorting it out
Her: well maybe it's not meant to be.  You probably just were not meant to be a parent.  Look on the bright side. 
Me: we're sorting it out, we will figure it out
Her: well you better figure it out soon, you arent getting any younger.

Scene ends with me wondering if this really just happened or if Im just having a nightmare.  I think the answer is yes, this just happened and yes, you are living a nightmare. 

A nice ninja

My husband is going to be so mad at me. He's going to be mad that I never told him I lost my shit today. For the past two weeks, I've been pretty quiet. When I'm quiet, something is brewing. Most times, I'm not even aware that there is something festering until Something triggers a flood gate. I only know it's bad when the ugly cries come out. This has a lot to do with the fact that I like to live in denial. So usually the trigger is something I've been avoiding. A word, a place, an idea. I've noticed during all of this, that I'm quick to jump to the next step (blame the planner...I don't think shes dead). I've thought it all out, the good, the bad, the ugly. Which is good. However, in the back of my mind, there is this voice saying maybe a miracle will occur. This little voice, hope, nulls everything else. Suddenly, there's no need to worry about the good, bad, or ugly because this next step isn't going to happen... Because a miracle is going to happen. Well folks, I'm in full denial up until the moment that you can't deny it any more. In this case, past it. I still tried to stay in denial. Yesterday at the RE, it felt like a scene out of A Christmas Carol in the waiting room. Like a fucking terrible movie. There was the ghost of Christmas past, present, future, and the me I wanted to be. I've been the person trying to scrounge up the money for ivf, I've been miscarriage girl, I was the hopeful ivf couple, I was the girl holding back tears with the embryo donation packet... And damn it... I'd love to be that dumb bitch who has no doubts that she's getting a baby. What should have brought me back to reality... Yet another picture of my vacant uterus. Talking tentative dates for the FET. It sort of made this real, but didn't sink in right away This morning, I walked around with a lump in my throat. I held it in. I was doing okay. However it's always that transition to the next step that sneaks up on me. I don't know why, I knew why I was going to the doctors. I do know this, saying you are going to do something, and actually doing it, are world apart in my messed up little head. Then, the new boss, aka "the fat ninja", started talking to me. We were talking about my job, and how long I've been there. I've worked in the same position for 5 years. Well, that really is a long time to have the same job in my field. He asked why I've stayed so long. I explained that I really like my coworkers. Then I made the following comment... I always thought that this jobs flexibility would be perfect if I had kids. I always thought I would kick myself if I left, then had children. I'd regret that decision. It was in that instant that he knew I was a member of "the club". "the club" is this unspoken group of people that "have trouble" having children. To a non member of the club, the above comment would have been meaningless. You wouldn't have even picked up on it. To him, he knew. The next words out of his mouth were... "my son is adopted" at that point, I could no longer deny my membership to the club. This conversation would be weird to nonmembers, but to members, words aren't necessary. You just know. My eyes filled with tears as he told me both of his grandkids were the product of ivf. I filled him in on this past year, everything. He just told me he knew exactly how I felt. I then explained that the true reason I haven't left, although I do love my coworkers, is the following... This past year, every fucking thing has been difficult. I can do my job with my eyes closed. For right now, I just need one thing in my life to be easy. He understood. The word "adopted" was the trigger. I had been avoiding it. Denying this was happening. This story isn't ending with us shouting it's a christmas miracle. This chapter is closed. On to the next one. Today I seriously lost my shit.

Doctors office update

The first time I went to the RE office, I sat in the waiting room like any other doctors office waiting room.  I was reading my magazine blissfully unaware of all of the pain that surrounded me in that room.  Now, I sit in that waiting room, and I try to keep my head down and avoid eye contact.  For the most part, we all sit there in that room, sharing that same pain.  Now, I am fully aware of the sorrow that surrounds me.  Today, since it was a triple header appointment, I spent a lot of time in the waiting room. 

One couple discussed finances and how they were going to swing the costs.  Another woman was having a miscarriage and was getting further instructions.  Another woman walked in so happy, she discussed her husbands sample with the woman at the front desk... a while later I watched her getting ready leave, when the doctor who asked her to wait while he gathered a packet of information handed her an embryo donation packet.  She thanked him, and turned around lip quivering, her world had just been shattered, and I can only assume she did not get good news during her consult.   Walking in smiling about your husbands sperm and then walking out with an embryo donation packet are worlds apart.  The man walking in with the brown paper bag, well that made me smile, because we all know what's in that bag.  Then lastly, the woman who is unaware of all the pain around her. She brought, for reasons I cant begin to understand, her teenage daughter with her.  She said to her daughter, I cant believe I have a one year old and I am thinking about doing this again.  Do you think (insert childs name here) will be jealous of a baby?  Her daughter replied... yes.  Her daughter then so matter of factly explained that she never wants children and has no clue why anyone would.  I wanted to punch that kid in the face.  I also wanted to punch the woman in her face.  To her, coming to this office, meant she was going to have a baby.  It was that easy for her to mentally go there.  My husband and I can't even really think any farther into the future than praying that embryos thaw, and this wench is having playdates with her non existant embryo.  I wanted to escort her out.  YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE.  Go freestyle for a year and then come back.  Experience some heartache and get back to me.  Luckily I was called back!  I kind of hate this woman, yet I'd do anything to be her.  To never know any of this.

On to happier news....

Great news!  I have no signs of anything.  No surgery required.  I was expecting the worse, not because I want to, but because that is generally the case.  We have to get the embryos shiped to our clinic. After that, we are waiting just a little while to move forward.  Things have been insane for so long, I think the two of us could use a little time to catch our breath.   

Wish me luck... Whatever that means

I'm about to go to the RE... I'm multitasking while I'm there. I have to visit with this woman about embryo donation. Why? I don't know, but they tell me I have to do it, so I am. I sort of feel like I'm on a 20/20 special getting scammed on a pretty consistant basis. Like the baby ransom money we previously gave them wasn't enough. After that, I have to get a Sonohysterogram. This is the test where they hook your cervix up to a catheter, fill your uterus with saline, and explore with the ultrasound. Cycle day 5 just happened to occur on a day I already had an appointment, I'm certain I will be billed two copays. :) (is there a sarcasm smiley face because a wink does not seem appropriate). The outcome of today's test will determine if I have to have surgery again. They will be checking for polyps. They already know I have endometriosis. So this means if they spot a polyp, they schedule surgery, and I get a drill bit to my belly button again. I'm alright with everything else they do, all of the other incisions, but for the love of Christ and all things holy could you leave my belly button alone! my belly button just stopped looking like it needed anal bleaching cream from my previous surgery a year ago. Dilemma: "they" say, and by "they", I mean the people who bill you and the insurance company, say that you are most fertile after this... Clean out the cobweb uterine surgery. So I'm having a difficult time figuring out what kind of outcome I'm hoping for here. Especially with this frozen embryo transfer coming up. By not wanting this surgery am I hoping for a failed FET? So wait, am I hoping for another drill bit to the belly button? Are you confused? So am I! Ps. Do you ever look at the google search results that show how people find you blog? Well you won't believe how many people are looking for baby diaper cakes and I'm sure are very disappointed when they are greeted with the tampon cake!

5 years

Today, well technically yesterday it’s after midnight, was our 5 year wedding anniversary.  5 years.  5 whole years!  June 22, 2007.  We aren’t celebrating until tomorrow.  After a crazy week at work, we just wanted to sit in a quiet room tonight.  We have a nice day planned for tomorrow.  I cant wait. 

Anniversaries, unlike Holidays, don’t make me sad.  YAY!  This is the anniversary of the greatest decision I ever made.  All the struggles have brought us closer together than I could have ever imagined.  This man that I get to spend forever with, well he is pretty amazing.  I am so very lucky.

As for our marriage goes… Things really couldn’t be better. 

Do Something June ICLW

A few days ago I received an email from the pharmacy that handled the drugs from our IVF cycle.  I read it, and I couldn’t really believe what I was reading.  Why hadn’t I heard of this earlier?  Perhaps I’ve been too busy living under the rock of self pity.  However there is a bill that is currently being proposed that would help to cover 50% of infertility related medical expenses up to… a lot of money (Im way too tired to look the actual value up, but a tax credit totaling somewhere in the neighborhood of 13k).  The bill is called The Family Act of 2011 and it needs support.  How do they get that?  Well, people have to contact their local Senators and Representatives and ask them to support the bill. 

 Over the past year, family/friends/strangers have often said, I wish there was something I could do to help you.  Well, there is.  I’ve provided a link to a RESOLVE webpage.  It provides sample letters, and links to the webpage to get the addresses of the members of Congress in your area.  You can call, you can write, you can email.  If I know you in the real world, I’m begging you to please follow through on this.  If you’re here visiting from ICLW, well I’ve read a lot of blogs and I’m pretty sure WE ARE ALL BROKE!  You have the chance to do something about it. 

 I’ve been working on my letter, because this has affected me personally.  No form letters here!  I’m sure some people think… you have your embryos, this doesn’t matter to you.  No!  This does.  We have embryos, but there is no guarantee this is going to work.  We still have a very long expensive road ahead of us.  I cant begin to tell you how sickening it is that my insurance will cover an abortion, it will cover rehab for a heroin addiction that I don’t have, but it wont cover infertility treatment for a married couple with known medical conditions that inhibit their ability to have a child. 

 For the record, for those who may not fully understand how expensive and financially devastating this can be, we would have reached our lifetime maximum amount after just one failed attempt at IVF. 

http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/family-act-of-2011.html

The Fat Ninja

(I feel mildly bad about calling this post the fat ninja, but not bad enought to not post it)

I used to love my job and then I got a new boss. I was able to come in whenever I wanted. I could leave whenever I wanted. I could surf the internet as much as I wanted. We had fun coffee breaks that turned into social hour. Life was great. My old boss didn't give me a hard time as long as the work got done.

 Fast forward to new boss.

He has "rules". I don't really do rules. I hate structure. New boss wants me to come in within a window. New boss wants to give dirty looks when he sees anyone smiling... and damnit SMILING WAS MY FAVORITE! I have a hard time accepting this because the new boss was just "let go" from the same company a few months ago. He has told me of at least 4 different times in his career that he was fired.  How do you get fired so much?  He only wants to talk to people when it involves him telling stories about himself.

 The other day I asked him how his first week was going… he pulled me into his office and started telling me about one of his previous six thousand jobs.  He started telling me about this one job he had… he was going on and on and on.  After about twenty minutes of this… I really wanted to leave.  Then he said that this job he had fresh out OF HIGH SCHOOL!  The man is pushing 70.  I’m 20 minutes deep and we're only at high school.  This is going to take forever to get to topic of this week.  He would not shut up.  This guy is almost 70!  He doesn’t understand anything that we do.  Nothing.  He’s confused.  Instead of being normal and following people around to see what they do and asking questions, he sits in his office with a Bluetooth headset on receiving calls like a call center for the Lions Club (true story).  He also calls his grandson, who is one, screaming… CAN YOU SAY GRANDPA?!?  He doesn’t know how to use a photocopy machine. He sits in his office, that has no windows, in the dark.  The dark!  The light hurts his eyes.  I think Pop-Pop just needs to “rest his eyes”.  You know, nap time.  He keeps telling everyone, that no one wants to get on his bad side.  I don’t know if that means he’s planning on spanking us or what, but don’t make Gramps angry.  At work, we now all refer to him as The Fat Ninja.  For  a 6'5'' overweight 70 year old, he is unusually stealthlike.  Always trying to catch a person breaking the law. I don’t see this union lasting too long. 

 Other news… we came home from work and a business card was stuck in the door… DMV Division of Fraud.  Awesome.  Well we just sold our buckled car, so we were kind of freaking out.  Turns out the scumbag that we bought our house from is selling cars, without the title, and using our home as the address. Even more awesome.  Yet another reason (there are many) not to buy a house from a person related to a well known murderer. 

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Capano

I went to the regular doctor.  I needed a refill of drugs… she did an EKG.  She discovered that I have heart arrhythmia.  I’m sure it’s not a big deal… but let’s just add that to my running list of problems.  I refuse to Google it because HONEY BADGER DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT.  I’m simply asking all friends and family to familiarize yourselves with the nearest heart jumper cables, and if you could all download the CPR app on your smart phones I would greatly appreciate it.

Honey badger... my new mascot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHqhFFG6jn4

But God, we put out an SOS months ago...

Once upon a time, there was this girl who thought that she controlled her own fate.  She thought if you work hard towards something, good things will happen to you.    She thought with proper planning, anything was possible.  Every problem had a well thought out plan.  She thought things had to be aligned just right.  There always had to be a plan, and not only a plan for that, but also a plan for what will occur after the initial plan worked out. Things hadn’t always been easy, but with hard work and determination things were going according to plan, and since it was her plan, she was quite happy with it. 

During the “Year of Mayhem”, we experienced a death… THE DEATH OF THE PLANNER.  After all, what is a planner to do when absolutely nothing goes according to plan.  Things didn’t just “not go according to plan" they suddenly became the worse possible outcome.  Even simple plans for picking up a prescription at the pharmacy didn’t go according to plan. 

I remember at the height of the insanity, I had a pep talk with myself.  This weekend, I am not going to leave the house, by not leaving the house, I would minimize the amount of crazy happening to me.  I’m just going to go to bed and relax.  In hindsight, I realize this was in fact an actual plan, and all plans were being poo poo’d on.  That weekend the entire closet just fell out of the wall.  We had issues with the dogs.  I went to bed thinking, what else could happen (never ever under any circumstances should you ever utter the phrase).  Again, I tried to give myself a pep talk, go to bed, tomorrow is a new day.  Start fresh tomorrow.  Sometime during the middle of the night, a stink bug decided to crawl down my shirt as I slept.  I woke up to a tickle in between my boobs.  I instantly woke up to a panic, as I felt the bug with my hand.  I’m freaking out, screaming bloody murder.  The familiar scent of the stink bug filled the room.  A stink bug released his stench down my shirt.  

   

"Motorboating is fun!"

I hate bugs! Probably because they tend to attack me.  I have been chased by a praying mantis.  Slapped in the face by a cicada’s wings as it brutally attacked me.  I could start a show called, When Bugs Attack.  It’s a long horrid history.  

 

"You want a piece of me?!"

 

It was the stink bug attack that officially killed the planner.  It was almost as if God was laughing at me, saying “you think you can just go to sleep, you think for one second that you can just avoid this?  I can mess with you in your house, I can screw with you while you are sleeping.  I am in control here… NOT YOU!”. 

And so I surrender, I acknowledge I am nothing but a puppet for some type of master plan that I am not privy to. I am not in control.  I have no say.

  

"Yes master! More please!"

This past year has changed me.  I don’t think the old me would even recognize the new me.  The new me is sort of reckless.  Makes no plans.  Can’t think much further into the future than next week.  Thinks her 401k is a debit card.  Hopes at some point things will get better, but realizes that just because I hope, doesn’t mean that it will. 

I think the new me feels a lot like the people who got off the Titanic right before it sunk.

 “WHEW! We just jumped off a sinking ship! YAY!”

“Shit, this water is cold!”

“How long until they come to save us?”

"Shit! This water is cold.”

"I thought they said someone would be here hours ago?"

 And so we wait… for a rescue, that might not ever come. 

Things aren’t all bad.  My husband and I have never been closer.  This process has helped weed out some craptastic people.  We have great friends and family.  New friends have come into our lives that have showed such kindness and support.  House chores are now outsourced.  We try to squeeze fun into everything. I've also found this fine group of ladies going through similar struggles.  It's nice to not feel so alone. For all the darkness that has filled up our lives, we are starting to see some glimmers of light.