Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Fat Ninja

(I feel mildly bad about calling this post the fat ninja, but not bad enought to not post it)

I used to love my job and then I got a new boss. I was able to come in whenever I wanted. I could leave whenever I wanted. I could surf the internet as much as I wanted. We had fun coffee breaks that turned into social hour. Life was great. My old boss didn't give me a hard time as long as the work got done.

 Fast forward to new boss.

He has "rules". I don't really do rules. I hate structure. New boss wants me to come in within a window. New boss wants to give dirty looks when he sees anyone smiling... and damnit SMILING WAS MY FAVORITE! I have a hard time accepting this because the new boss was just "let go" from the same company a few months ago. He has told me of at least 4 different times in his career that he was fired.  How do you get fired so much?  He only wants to talk to people when it involves him telling stories about himself.

 The other day I asked him how his first week was going… he pulled me into his office and started telling me about one of his previous six thousand jobs.  He started telling me about this one job he had… he was going on and on and on.  After about twenty minutes of this… I really wanted to leave.  Then he said that this job he had fresh out OF HIGH SCHOOL!  The man is pushing 70.  I’m 20 minutes deep and we're only at high school.  This is going to take forever to get to topic of this week.  He would not shut up.  This guy is almost 70!  He doesn’t understand anything that we do.  Nothing.  He’s confused.  Instead of being normal and following people around to see what they do and asking questions, he sits in his office with a Bluetooth headset on receiving calls like a call center for the Lions Club (true story).  He also calls his grandson, who is one, screaming… CAN YOU SAY GRANDPA?!?  He doesn’t know how to use a photocopy machine. He sits in his office, that has no windows, in the dark.  The dark!  The light hurts his eyes.  I think Pop-Pop just needs to “rest his eyes”.  You know, nap time.  He keeps telling everyone, that no one wants to get on his bad side.  I don’t know if that means he’s planning on spanking us or what, but don’t make Gramps angry.  At work, we now all refer to him as The Fat Ninja.  For  a 6'5'' overweight 70 year old, he is unusually stealthlike.  Always trying to catch a person breaking the law. I don’t see this union lasting too long. 

 Other news… we came home from work and a business card was stuck in the door… DMV Division of Fraud.  Awesome.  Well we just sold our buckled car, so we were kind of freaking out.  Turns out the scumbag that we bought our house from is selling cars, without the title, and using our home as the address. Even more awesome.  Yet another reason (there are many) not to buy a house from a person related to a well known murderer.

I went to the regular doctor.  I needed a refill of drugs… she did an EKG.  She discovered that I have heart arrhythmia.  I’m sure it’s not a big deal… but let’s just add that to my running list of problems.  I refuse to Google it because HONEY BADGER DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT.  I’m simply asking all friends and family to familiarize yourselves with the nearest heart jumper cables, and if you could all download the CPR app on your smart phones I would greatly appreciate it.

Honey badger... my new mascot


  1. Resting his eyes ... I've had moments where I needed to do just that at work! Made sure nobody saw it, though.

    It's never nice to discover a health problem. Hope your arrythmia is not too much to sorry about.

    1. Thanks! I'm sure it's nothing, and for right now I'm choosing denial... So we're all good.

      I too have rested my eyes, I just snuck out to my car to do so! ;)

  2. How does job of the year go to job of the dumps??? This guy may have another jobs to add to his list of "YOU'RE FIRED" stories for his grandson.

  3. ick, i hate it when you go form having a great fun boss to one who is suspicious and always looking for what people are doing wrong instead of giving praise where praise id due. i am hoping for you that this guy changes his tune real quick.


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