Wednesday, June 27, 2012
A nice ninja
My husband is going to be so mad at me. He's going to be mad that I never told him I lost my shit today. For the past two weeks, I've been pretty quiet. When I'm quiet, something is brewing. Most times, I'm not even aware that there is something festering until Something triggers a flood gate. I only know it's bad when the ugly cries come out. This has a lot to do with the fact that I like to live in denial. So usually the trigger is something I've been avoiding. A word, a place, an idea. I've noticed during all of this, that I'm quick to jump to the next step (blame the planner...I don't think shes dead). I've thought it all out, the good, the bad, the ugly. Which is good. However, in the back of my mind, there is this voice saying maybe a miracle will occur. This little voice, hope, nulls everything else. Suddenly, there's no need to worry about the good, bad, or ugly because this next step isn't going to happen... Because a miracle is going to happen. Well folks, I'm in full denial up until the moment that you can't deny it any more. In this case, past it. I still tried to stay in denial. Yesterday at the RE, it felt like a scene out of A Christmas Carol in the waiting room. Like a fucking terrible movie. There was the ghost of Christmas past, present, future, and the me I wanted to be. I've been the person trying to scrounge up the money for ivf, I've been miscarriage girl, I was the hopeful ivf couple, I was the girl holding back tears with the embryo donation packet... And damn it... I'd love to be that dumb bitch who has no doubts that she's getting a baby. What should have brought me back to reality... Yet another picture of my vacant uterus. Talking tentative dates for the FET. It sort of made this real, but didn't sink in right away This morning, I walked around with a lump in my throat. I held it in. I was doing okay. However it's always that transition to the next step that sneaks up on me. I don't know why, I knew why I was going to the doctors. I do know this, saying you are going to do something, and actually doing it, are world apart in my messed up little head. Then, the new boss, aka "the fat ninja", started talking to me. We were talking about my job, and how long I've been there. I've worked in the same position for 5 years. Well, that really is a long time to have the same job in my field. He asked why I've stayed so long. I explained that I really like my coworkers. Then I made the following comment... I always thought that this jobs flexibility would be perfect if I had kids. I always thought I would kick myself if I left, then had children. I'd regret that decision. It was in that instant that he knew I was a member of "the club". "the club" is this unspoken group of people that "have trouble" having children. To a non member of the club, the above comment would have been meaningless. You wouldn't have even picked up on it. To him, he knew. The next words out of his mouth were... "my son is adopted" at that point, I could no longer deny my membership to the club. This conversation would be weird to nonmembers, but to members, words aren't necessary. You just know. My eyes filled with tears as he told me both of his grandkids were the product of ivf. I filled him in on this past year, everything. He just told me he knew exactly how I felt. I then explained that the true reason I haven't left, although I do love my coworkers, is the following... This past year, every fucking thing has been difficult. I can do my job with my eyes closed. For right now, I just need one thing in my life to be easy. He understood. The word "adopted" was the trigger. I had been avoiding it. Denying this was happening. This story isn't ending with us shouting it's a christmas miracle. This chapter is closed. On to the next one. Today I seriously lost my shit.