A nice ninja

My husband is going to be so mad at me. He's going to be mad that I never told him I lost my shit today. For the past two weeks, I've been pretty quiet. When I'm quiet, something is brewing. Most times, I'm not even aware that there is something festering until Something triggers a flood gate. I only know it's bad when the ugly cries come out. This has a lot to do with the fact that I like to live in denial. So usually the trigger is something I've been avoiding. A word, a place, an idea. I've noticed during all of this, that I'm quick to jump to the next step (blame the planner...I don't think shes dead). I've thought it all out, the good, the bad, the ugly. Which is good. However, in the back of my mind, there is this voice saying maybe a miracle will occur. This little voice, hope, nulls everything else. Suddenly, there's no need to worry about the good, bad, or ugly because this next step isn't going to happen... Because a miracle is going to happen. Well folks, I'm in full denial up until the moment that you can't deny it any more. In this case, past it. I still tried to stay in denial. Yesterday at the RE, it felt like a scene out of A Christmas Carol in the waiting room. Like a fucking terrible movie. There was the ghost of Christmas past, present, future, and the me I wanted to be. I've been the person trying to scrounge up the money for ivf, I've been miscarriage girl, I was the hopeful ivf couple, I was the girl holding back tears with the embryo donation packet... And damn it... I'd love to be that dumb bitch who has no doubts that she's getting a baby. What should have brought me back to reality... Yet another picture of my vacant uterus. Talking tentative dates for the FET. It sort of made this real, but didn't sink in right away This morning, I walked around with a lump in my throat. I held it in. I was doing okay. However it's always that transition to the next step that sneaks up on me. I don't know why, I knew why I was going to the doctors. I do know this, saying you are going to do something, and actually doing it, are world apart in my messed up little head. Then, the new boss, aka "the fat ninja", started talking to me. We were talking about my job, and how long I've been there. I've worked in the same position for 5 years. Well, that really is a long time to have the same job in my field. He asked why I've stayed so long. I explained that I really like my coworkers. Then I made the following comment... I always thought that this jobs flexibility would be perfect if I had kids. I always thought I would kick myself if I left, then had children. I'd regret that decision. It was in that instant that he knew I was a member of "the club". "the club" is this unspoken group of people that "have trouble" having children. To a non member of the club, the above comment would have been meaningless. You wouldn't have even picked up on it. To him, he knew. The next words out of his mouth were... "my son is adopted" at that point, I could no longer deny my membership to the club. This conversation would be weird to nonmembers, but to members, words aren't necessary. You just know. My eyes filled with tears as he told me both of his grandkids were the product of ivf. I filled him in on this past year, everything. He just told me he knew exactly how I felt. I then explained that the true reason I haven't left, although I do love my coworkers, is the following... This past year, every fucking thing has been difficult. I can do my job with my eyes closed. For right now, I just need one thing in my life to be easy. He understood. The word "adopted" was the trigger. I had been avoiding it. Denying this was happening. This story isn't ending with us shouting it's a christmas miracle. This chapter is closed. On to the next one. Today I seriously lost my shit.

Wish me luck... Whatever that means

I'm about to go to the RE... I'm multitasking while I'm there. I have to visit with this woman about embryo donation. Why? I don't know, but they tell me I have to do it, so I am. I sort of feel like I'm on a 20/20 special getting scammed on a pretty consistant basis. Like the baby ransom money we previously gave them wasn't enough. After that, I have to get a Sonohysterogram. This is the test where they hook your cervix up to a catheter, fill your uterus with saline, and explore with the ultrasound. Cycle day 5 just happened to occur on a day I already had an appointment, I'm certain I will be billed two copays. :) (is there a sarcasm smiley face because a wink does not seem appropriate). The outcome of today's test will determine if I have to have surgery again. They will be checking for polyps. They already know I have endometriosis. So this means if they spot a polyp, they schedule surgery, and I get a drill bit to my belly button again. I'm alright with everything else they do, all of the other incisions, but for the love of Christ and all things holy could you leave my belly button alone! my belly button just stopped looking like it needed anal bleaching cream from my previous surgery a year ago. Dilemma: "they" say, and by "they", I mean the people who bill you and the insurance company, say that you are most fertile after this... Clean out the cobweb uterine surgery. So I'm having a difficult time figuring out what kind of outcome I'm hoping for here. Especially with this frozen embryo transfer coming up. By not wanting this surgery am I hoping for a failed FET? So wait, am I hoping for another drill bit to the belly button? Are you confused? So am I! Ps. Do you ever look at the google search results that show how people find you blog? Well you won't believe how many people are looking for baby diaper cakes and I'm sure are very disappointed when they are greeted with the tampon cake!

Do Something June ICLW

A few days ago I received an email from the pharmacy that handled the drugs from our IVF cycle.  I read it, and I couldn’t really believe what I was reading.  Why hadn’t I heard of this earlier?  Perhaps I’ve been too busy living under the rock of self pity.  However there is a bill that is currently being proposed that would help to cover 50% of infertility related medical expenses up to… a lot of money (Im way too tired to look the actual value up, but a tax credit totaling somewhere in the neighborhood of 13k).  The bill is called The Family Act of 2011 and it needs support.  How do they get that?  Well, people have to contact their local Senators and Representatives and ask them to support the bill. 

 Over the past year, family/friends/strangers have often said, I wish there was something I could do to help you.  Well, there is.  I’ve provided a link to a RESOLVE webpage.  It provides sample letters, and links to the webpage to get the addresses of the members of Congress in your area.  You can call, you can write, you can email.  If I know you in the real world, I’m begging you to please follow through on this.  If you’re here visiting from ICLW, well I’ve read a lot of blogs and I’m pretty sure WE ARE ALL BROKE!  You have the chance to do something about it. 

 I’ve been working on my letter, because this has affected me personally.  No form letters here!  I’m sure some people think… you have your embryos, this doesn’t matter to you.  No!  This does.  We have embryos, but there is no guarantee this is going to work.  We still have a very long expensive road ahead of us.  I cant begin to tell you how sickening it is that my insurance will cover an abortion, it will cover rehab for a heroin addiction that I don’t have, but it wont cover infertility treatment for a married couple with known medical conditions that inhibit their ability to have a child. 

 For the record, for those who may not fully understand how expensive and financially devastating this can be, we would have reached our lifetime maximum amount after just one failed attempt at IVF. 

http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/family-act-of-2011.html