Saturday, July 21, 2012

The epiphany!

All this time, I've been struggling to hold it all together.  "Swimming" as I called it in my previous post.  Well then I had a day where I decided... I am going to stop swimming altogether.  I'm not going to sink, but I am going to float.  So that's what I have been doing... floating, and I intend to float as long as permissable by state and federal laws (more to that in a minute). 

Last week was yet another horrendous week.  One where on Monday, I'm getting a physical, on Tuesday I'm getting hooked up to a heart rate monitor, on Wednesday I'm getting the heart rate monitor removed, on Thursday Im stuck in the drive thru at the pharmacy, and on Friday, these sons of bitches at doggy daycare sent the dogs home because they were full (uhhh seriously... WTF).  So each day, Im having to do some extra bull shit at a time where breathing actually feels quite difficult.  So then I have to explain to my dickhead boss every day some new wack, but truthful reason I am running late every day.  So by Wednesday, I had acutally had a talk with my old boss, that if this guy continues to give me shit, Im getting a doctor to write me out of this joint and enjoying peace and quiet as long as humanly possible.  So, by Friday, Im having a talk with the new guy.  It didnt go well.  It resulted in me in HR by my own doing, explaining that his guy is being unreasonable and giving me crap about doctors appointments.  HR referred me to the nurse to see if this could be covered by FMLA so that I dont have to run anything by him going forward and protect myself.

The nurse asks me what's going on, I fill her in, on this past year.  She asks me... "What took you so long to get here?"  She was very kind, she told me that I was very strong and that it sounded like I needed a break.  I went there intending to hear her say FMLA, the kind covered for day to day things, where you still go to work... and she told me.... "I think you need a break.  Will your doctor write you out?"  This was like beautiful music to my ears.  Yes, a doctor will write me out.  Another thing... for all of those out there.  When you pay a doctors office over 25k in cash, and continue to have a running tab, know this one thing... there will always be a doctor willing to sign any piece of paper that hits their desk.  That is always the backup plan. 

I am fortunate enough to have a nurse practioner at my regular doctors office that knows everything that has been going on, so she knows... "this bitch is on the brink".  So Tuesday of this week, I was able to get an appointment.  Monday of this week, I woke up to the flu.  Vomit inducing flu.  Awesome!  So at Tuesdays appointment, I'm trying to hold back from vomiting... I cant really talk about my lack of mental health.  So she writes me out for a week, to re-evaluate me on Monday (July 23).  I can not wait for that appoinment, because then I'll have a better idea of how long I can be out. I hope it's for a long ass time!  I have had it up to here with trying to do everything.  For what... for a man who has some retired wife at home making him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to look at me like I'm a bum while Im running around like a nut trying to keep this ship from sinking?  Uhhh... No. 

I still havent arranged for the shipment of these embryos.  I have not taken care of any of the things that need tending to.  I also haven't tended to the fact that I'm also morning a death.  A death of a biological child.  It sort of feels like a death.  It's no hard feelings toward any future non biological children, however there are a lot of things that are different, that I fully acknowledge I did not really address.  I didnt deal with the feelings, because I didnt know they were there.  Now it seems everything has caught up to me.  

Feelings are a funny thing, you can run but you can not hide.  They sneak up on you.


And so here I am... floating until I figure some things out, and I must say... floating is so much better than swimming!



  1. Sorry you're going through such a horrendous week! It sounds like there may be a light at the end of the tunnel if you are able to get some reprieve from that jackass boss. Sounds like you really need the break!

  2. Whew, you have been dealing with a lot. I hope you get a nice break and can take some time just for yourself.

    The heart rate monitor you mentioned, was that a Holter? I had to wear one Friday-Saturday because apparently my pulse has been fast the last few times I was at the doctor. I do feel my heart beating in my chest sometimes... anyway like we need something else to deal with, right?

  3. Hope your break continues, and you can conserve energy for the fight ahead. I finally got my crap together and got the ball rolling for october and I am already stressing. ACK.

  4. Good for you for doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. You're right that feelings do catch up eventually; I hope this time gives you the chance to work through them. Keep floating until you're ready to swim forward again.


Your comments make me happy. They also make me feel like I'm
not talking to myself, which is critical for my sanity :)