Thursday, May 31, 2012

Tom, you owe me.

Every time I have a 24 hour period like the one I'm about to tell, I wonder... does this stuff happen to other people with the same frequency that it happens to me?  I feel like I'm in the movie The Adjustment Bureau,  except they use me as a tool to adjust everyone elses life. 

So yesterday, I have a pretty average (average is good these days) day at work.  I leave work, I'm driving.  DING DING DING!  My cars tire pressure alarm goes off.  I check it, it says 6 PSI.  I don't know a lot about PSI, although I've tested how low mine can go, much to my husbands dismay.  I do know that 6 PSI= a flat tire.  As soon as you think you have a flat tire, you can isntantly see your car tipping to that side.  So I'm like crap must pull over.  I get out, everything was fine... whew crisis averted. 

On the road again! A few minutes down the road, Im getting on the ramp to 95.  My coffee from the morning tips out of the cup holder.  Now it's glug glugging out of the cup down my leg.  I look like I peed myself, I felt like I peed myself too.  Problem, I have to return redbox movies and do a quick grocery store run.  I decide Im going to go anyway.  I dont have time for this crap. 

I get to the grocery store, in line in front of me is this woman with her child throwing a fit at the machine.  He wants to watch the owl movie and it's not available.  This goes on for a few minutes, in the meantime, I look like I need to find the Depends aisle ASAP.  I return the movies, and I pick up my goodies, and proceed to check out.   I put everything on the belt, everything except the carton of blueberries.  As I reach to grab them out of my cart, the lid pops off, blueberries were bouncing everywhere.  Through my cart, around my cart, down the other aisles.  My cart was clearly the epicenter for a blueberry explosion.  People are walking by saying "Uh OH!" Now I dont know if it was because I look like I peed myself or the blueberries.  I couldnt move the cart because I would make more of a mess than I already had.  Im stuck.  Now other people are in the line, looking at me like WTF.  I'm looking at them like WTF, because you saw this mess and still opted for this line.  As this gets cleaned up, I check out, and me and my wet pants high step out of there. 

I get home.  I let the dogs out, as we come back in I notice this adorable parade of ants going through my kitchen.  ALL OVER THE PLACE.  I've had ants in the house before, I dont think Im special here, but this was crazy.  The line of ants coming in the house was about an inch wide coming in in a continuous stream.  I dont know what happened between me leaving for work and coming home, but between those hours, we were clearly invaded.  It was war!  If you know me in real life, you know anything related to bugs is my worst nightmare!  I find the poison and I start spraying everywhere.  Oh I killed each and every one of those little bastards.  However now I have puddles of poison on my kitchen floor.  So the remainder of the evening is spent cleaning all the floors in the house and killing the occasional stray ant I find on my arm.  I then stress ate a Hershey bar, because I just felt like ants were all over me. 

I went to bed!  The next morning I had to take the dogs to the vet, BY MYSELF.  I normally wouldnt do this, except they needed their shots, and it had to be done by Friday.  Why?  Well our dogs are terrible, and we got a cleaning lady.  It was something I treated myself to after the failed IVF.  Im not wasting a single second of my life cleaning this craphole anymore.  IVF failure mid life crisis. So in order to be nice to her, we take the dogs to doggy daycare.  Problem is somehow during all of this IVF crap,  they never got their vaccinations.  So the doggy daycare finally put their foot down and requested their records.  I would rather see death than clean my house, so since 9 am was the only available appointment time, I made the appointment, knowing I would be alone.  The woman on the phone assured me that the people would be able to help me with them.

I get them to the vet, I take them in one at a time.  Lucy, AKA Lucifur in our house because she is so bad, went first.  Doc cried in the car, his cries could be heard for quite a distance.  I get her settled in and ask the woman to watch Lucy while I go get the other one, Doc.  I get him in and the woman hands me Lucy.  I have both.  THANKS FOR THE HELP!  I'm getting tangled in their leashes, because Lucy likes to run in circles around me and trip me up.  Im trying to untangle them, and Doc is SQUATTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WAITING ROOM ATTEMPTING TO MAKE BOOM BOOM!  I looked up just in time to stop it!  I ask the lady to watch Lucy again.  I take him out.  He craps in the parking lot.  I dont have a bag because this was an emergency.  OH MY GOD!  I AM SO EMBARRASSED!  I finally get him to grass, and he finishes up.  Back inside.  Lucy is looking at a puppy out the window, barking.  She is trying to get on top of the counter to have a better look.  Doc is trying to sit on my lap as Im trying to yell at Lucy to get down.  Clearly you can see Im getting tag teamed here. 

Lucy requires four vet techs to hold her down to get a blood sample.  The whole time, she is looking at me, right in the eye like... YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS. 

I thought when we recently had to first take Lucy to a dog opthamologist, that I had seen a new low.  However, Im not so sure, Lucy, A DOG (she doesnt like it when I tell her that) has IBS.  We have been crushing TUMS in her food, and she gets two pepsid a day to help her.  She now requires dog food that costs $90 for a 28 pound bag. 

After 2.5 hours, and $560 I was ready to call it a day.  I leave the dogs in the office, put the food in the car, pull the car up, inadvertantly running over the nice pile of crap Doc had left me earlier.  AWESOME. 

My hubs owes me... BIG TIME!

Lucy (above)
I'm pretty certain she is laughing at me.
Note her cool band aid from her bloodwork.

Doc (below)
The crapper


  1. i don't think you can use the words "adorable" and "ants" in the same sentence, because, let's face it, ants are just gross, i'm SO glad they haven't made it into our house... YET.

    i had to take my husband's dog to the vet for him, the dogs name is monte and he a complete dickhead. he has to be THE dumbest dog that i have ever met. he has to be muzzled while at the vet because he gets too excited and when you are doing something to him that he doesn't want done, he nips. it was a bit of a nightmare, but, i figured it was a nice thing to do for my husband since he does absolutely EVERYTHING for me.

  2. OMGosh you seriously have a crazy life. I literally laughed out loud while reading this, not because the situations were funny, but wow! I enjoy your humor in telling these stories.

  3. Blue Martini ' 949-2583 Open: 4pm No Cover Happy Hour: 4pm-8pm. Yes, it will probably serve you well to come to terms with what happened between you and your former life partner, but self imposed eternal damnation is not the answer. Her passing, recounted so many times in the national media, produces no obituary or funeral announcement in Nexis, and no mention in the Stanford student newspaper.

    Here is my blog post Tao of Badass Review

  4. Use natural apple cider vinegar for more effective results.
    I know it sounds slightly unbelievable but it's very true. It also reduces the chances of your baby acquiring the infection.

    Feel free to surf to my web page ... treatment for yeast infection


Your comments make me happy. They also make me feel like I'm
not talking to myself, which is critical for my sanity :)