Sunday, May 13, 2012

Just enough tequila

When I got the call that IVF didn’t work, I didn’t cry. Nothing. Numb. Dead inside.  I remember I told my husband that things just hit me at the weirdest times. I felt bad, he was upset, and I just sat there and looked at him. 

Fast forward to yesterday.  Everything was fine.  I was in a fine mood.  We were about to go out for dinner and we had to run some errands.  We were going to stop at Target.  I ran down a list of things we needed to get from Target.  Nail polish remover, stomach medicine for the dog, a card for my friends wedding… Mothers Day Cards… Mothers Day Cards. I did not realize Mothers Day Cards was going to be the thing that broke me.

This was not supposed to happen.  I should not be 31 with diminished ovarian supply.  IVF was supposed to work.  We should not be here.

I told myself to shut up, go get dressed, that we have to go.  Suck those tears back into your head, YOU WILL NOT CRY OVER THIS.  As we were driving to Target, my phone picked up a wifi appropriately named…. “Lifeainteasy”.  This made me laugh for a minute.  The closer we got to Target, the more I couldn’t contain it anymore.  I just burst out into the nasty cries. 

Imagine your biggest failure, the one thing you can’t overcome, but this failure is so easy for everyone else to overcome, and there is a day celebrating it.  An entire day to celebrate people that will never know what you are going through.  An entire day to celebrate all the things that you can’t have. 

Unfortunately, no one will get a Mothers Day card from me this year.  It took everything I had to walk past the aisle.  I couldn’t do it.  As we left, I broke into tears again.  As we drove, we drove behind a car with a mother’s day balloon bouncing all over the interior.  This also made me cry.  At dinner, my Mom called.  I couldn’t answer.  Her name made me cry.  Mom.  I drank just enough tequila at dinner to get me through the grocery store without busting into tears. 

This year, Mothers Day stings.


  1. Found you via Roccie. Wanted to send love and peace to you.

  2. Been word of advise is not to lose all the days between the only 2 per month that matter at this time. I have so much “empty space” that I can’t get back. ...and it’s ok to yell at God...He can take it and knows your anguish. He’s still holding you. Ask Cathie for my # or email if you want another sounding board. ps... My adopted daughter is now 28 ! Karen

  3. We stopped "trying" a while ago. When all your embryos die in a dish under pristine conditions.... really whats the point? :) So that reduces a lot of stress.

    As for empty space, I'd honestly take that right now. We have been bouncing from one disaster to another. It's almost impossible to focus on this issue.

    I do know what you mean, this issue has consumed our life, not by choice. We are trying to get our life back, but it's so hard. I guess it's hard to see the forest through the trees.

    I will get your info. Thank you so much for the support.

  4. mother's day is hard when you are trying so hard to become one and can't. i hated mother's day for a while, and to be honest with you, i'm still not particularly fond of it because i know there are thousands of women out there who are suffering because they don't yet have what i do and i know how they feel. anyway, it will get better. sometime soon you will have your own little person to call you mommy and although the sweetness may still be a little bitter, it will still be sweet.


Your comments make me happy. They also make me feel like I'm
not talking to myself, which is critical for my sanity :)