Sunday, May 13, 2012
Just enough tequila
When I got the call that IVF didn’t work, I didn’t cry. Nothing. Numb. Dead inside. I remember I told my husband that things just hit me at the weirdest times. I felt bad, he was upset, and I just sat there and looked at him.
Fast forward to yesterday. Everything was fine. I was in a fine mood. We were about to go out for dinner and we had to run some errands. We were going to stop at Target. I ran down a list of things we needed to get from Target. Nail polish remover, stomach medicine for the dog, a card for my friends wedding… Mothers Day Cards… Mothers Day Cards. I did not realize Mothers Day Cards was going to be the thing that broke me.
This was not supposed to happen. I should not be 31 with diminished ovarian supply. IVF was supposed to work. We should not be here.
I told myself to shut up, go get dressed, that we have to go. Suck those tears back into your head, YOU WILL NOT CRY OVER THIS. As we were driving to Target, my phone picked up a wifi appropriately named…. “Lifeainteasy”. This made me laugh for a minute. The closer we got to Target, the more I couldn’t contain it anymore. I just burst out into the nasty cries.
Imagine your biggest failure, the one thing you can’t overcome, but this failure is so easy for everyone else to overcome, and there is a day celebrating it. An entire day to celebrate people that will never know what you are going through. An entire day to celebrate all the things that you can’t have.
Unfortunately, no one will get a Mothers Day card from me this year. It took everything I had to walk past the aisle. I couldn’t do it. As we left, I broke into tears again. As we drove, we drove behind a car with a mother’s day balloon bouncing all over the interior. This also made me cry. At dinner, my Mom called. I couldn’t answer. Her name made me cry. Mom. I drank just enough tequila at dinner to get me through the grocery store without busting into tears.
This year, Mothers Day stings.