Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Sasquatch Sighting

Imagine that you are in your back yard... Imagine that out of the corner of your eye you see Big Foot, you turn and you and Big Foot lock eyes.  Im sure you are thinking to yourself a number of things that include...

1.  WTF was that?
2.  Am I seeing what I think I am seeing?
3.  Is this a dream?
4.  Am I high?
5.  Does anyone else see what I just saw?
6.  Should I scream?
7.  Is this even possible?
8.  Never in my entire life did I ever think I would ever see THIS.  

Well that is exactly how I felt when I saw THIS...

I kind of had an inkling that this had worked out, when my husband came down to the basement to watch TV with me with leftover chicken cheese steak.  I sat there for a few minutes sweating... and then I had to get up because the smell of chicken cheese steak made me want to vomit.  But I chalked it up to hormones and called it a day.

The day before Christmas Eve we were over my in-laws.  We were watching a movie.  I had to get up because I was about to vomit.  Second clue.  But again... we've been here before, so again, I told myself it was hormones.

My husband and I had previously made a pact that we were going to test on Christmas morning.  Christmas Eve night I went to bed at 10:00.  We are typically night owls so this is early for us.  I woke up at 2:30am and decided to POAS.  Sure we made a pact, but I was going to break it.  If it was negative, I would just pee on one when I woke up and we could cry all by ourselves on Christmas morning... I'm not above trickery.  So I did it... and sure enough there were two lines.  I could not believe it.  I didnt cry or anything.  I think I am still in complete shock.  But then I came up with this genius plan...

I wrapped the stick in the paper and put it in the bottom of his stocking.  I then laid in bed for 3 hours wide awake trying to get him to wake up and open presents.  He didn't!!!  I finally fell asleep.  When the big moment came to POAS.... I went to the bathroom and came out.  He's looking at me...
I said..."MAN! I forgot to do the test!!!"
He said... "are you kidding me?" 
Me: "No! Well, lets just go open presents, we can do that later."

So that's what we did. We opened gifts.  My husband loves Christmas, so there was no twisting of the arm there.  So I made him open his gifts first.  Then I told him there were some things in his stockings.  I packed that sucker... so the test was in the very bottom.  Start Wars bobble heads... A mini mega phone... A Flyers cup he wanted.

And then... he dug out the test.  He opened it!  It was pretty awesome.  A Christmas Miracle!!!!!!

Before you go jumping for joy... you have to know this story does not end well.  I wrote all of the above before last Thursday.  On last Thursday, I did my normal POAS, and I saw this...

For some of you positive people you wouldnt have even noticed why I freaked the fuck out when I saw this third test on the bottom Thursday morning.  However most of you probably know why... It wasnt darker.  The line wasnt darker.  In fact, in my opinion, at the time of the test, it was lighter.  I tried to pretend that it was because I had drank more water.  I tried to convince myself a million reasons as to why the line was lighter... but I knew.  I hoped I was wrong, but I knew.  I called the doctors office and they moved up my beta by a day. 

A few hours later, I got the call... "we have some mixed results, your beta number is very low.  It should be much higher than this.  I'm very very sorry, but this does not look like a viable pregnancy.  I am very very sorry, but please continue to take your medicine until your next beta on Saturday."   It was the first time I ever broke down with the nurse on the phone.  We came so far, why is this happening to us? 

Everyone tried to tell me that this was just a low HCG, but I knew better.  Sure you can google and hear all sorts of miracle stories, but I know this much... miracles dont happen to me.  I fall on the shitty end of statistics.  I knew it was over, of course I hoped I was wrong.

Saturday, it snowed 2 inches.  My appointment got rescheduled until Sunday.  Saturday evening, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I POAS again... if this was over, it was going to show up on the test.  I saw this....
It was over.  Sunday's appointment confirmed.. Game over.

With that said... I have to giant middle fingers for God.  He's quite the asshole.  I feel like we are on the recieving end of the cruelest of cruel jokes.



  1. There are no words really, other than I'm so very sorry, which is pretty inadequate. I do understand the roller coaster of emotions from our first IVF attempt. I hadn't peed on any sticks so I had no clue. I went in for my beta in a Friday not expecting it to be positive, but received the congratulations call that afternoon. On Monday for the follow up 2nd beta, I was told that it was a chemical pregnancy. It sucked. I hurt for you so much right now.

  2. Oh KayBee. I'm in tears right now for you. I know how evil those chemical shit pregnancies can be. So sorry hun. So sorry. Sending you both many thoughts.

  3. I am so sorry KayBee!! I know how much pain I was in when I got a BFN, I can only imagine how you feel after first getting the positive, only to have it turn negative in the end. We are all here for you...

  4. I'm so sorry. Chemical pregnancies suck so much!

  5. Nooooo! I am so sorry. :( So unfair.

  6. Oh, honey, I am so so sorry. Really unfair. I was reading through and I was so excited for you and now I just hurt for you. Big hugs, my friend.

  7. I am so so sorry. I know these words offer little comfort as you grieve but please, please know that I am thinking of you and sending lots of love your way!

  8. God is quite the asshole. I'm so very, very sorry. Those words don't begin to relay the light and love I am sending your way, but it is all I can do. I'm so very, very sorry.

  9. sometimes i hate god too..this just doesnt seem fair. you are in my thoughts and i am so sorry

  10. Oh wow, super suck. Chemical pregnancies are their own little hell. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

  11. Oh no. I'm so sorry.

  12. I'm so sorry that this is not a viable pregnancy. I can only imagine how excited you were. :-(

  13. I am so so sorry. You and hubby's joy was palpable through the screen! ((hugs))

  14. I am so incredibly sorry. This sucks so much and I wish I could make it all better for you, make the low beta be a cruel joke. :( Really sorry.

  15. oh my god, i'm so very sorry.

  16. Son of a bitch are you kidding me? That just seems amongst some of the cruelest. I am so fucking sorry. Fuck.

  17. I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

  18. Chemical pregnancies are the cruelest, nastiest things ever. I am so sorry you are going through this.

  19. I am a new follower to you blog and wanted to say how sorry I am. The exact same thing just happened to me two weeks ago. My sticks looked beautiful for about 5 days and then just bottomed out.


  20. I read this on my phone and was not able to comment. I have finally managed to get online and I wanted to come here and say I am so sorry. What a horrible horrible way to have your hopes dashed. I am sending you every kind of hug my dear girl. This is just crappy.

  21. Oh KayBee ... my heart was so full for you when I began reading this post, and then it broke, as I can't imagine how yours is. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's so unfair, and so cruel. I've been thinking of you and will continue to do so ~ hugs.


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not talking to myself, which is critical for my sanity :)