Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I'm Still Standing

Well, we are still breathing.  I still hate God and his insane clown posse.  It's a battle of the heart and common sense.  Common sense says God is a fictitious douche with evil magical powers... my heart says maybe someday there will be a plan for us.  For right now... we just need to relax, enjoy life.  I have to get this fat off of my body by any means necessary, which I am not against taking scissors to remove some of it manually.  There are additional breasts developing in my underarm area.. and I just feel like that needs to be addressed immediately.

I went to my WTF appointment, our third.  Where the RE told us that "these things happen" and that "she wishes that she had more answers for us".  She said that she would like to chalk this up to really bad luck, because there is just no reason medically that this should be happening to us at this time.  She told us that if we were to try again that she would opt for a more natural cycle.  Something about no Lupron which perked me up a little bit, but also adding Follistim and Gannerelix... I checked out.  I do not think we are ready to do this again.  I quit... game over... God.. I hear your message and I get it... we should not have children.  LOUD AND FUCKING CLEAR... WE GET IT. Message received.  We surrender. You fucking bully.


With that said, I know feel pretty comfortable in responding to the question "Do you have children?" with the appropriate response, "No, we can not have children".  Gulp, I choked up a bit just typing that, but it's the truth.  Not in the same sense that that girl from high school told everyone she knew that she could not have children and then ended up with four illegitimate children from four different fathers.  But in the actual clinical sense based off of scientific data... we can not have children.  So while that response may make you, fictitious person asking me such dumb questions, feel uncomfortable... your question makes me feel equally uncomfortable, so we are even.

Another decision... We must get our privacy back.  Letting people (in real life) know about this blog seemed like a good idea at the time.  It was great when discussing things that already happened.  It was not great discussing things while they happened.  It was really not great having everyone under the sun know about the most recent happenings.  So Im going to password protect the blog.  Just email me and I will give you bloggers my password.  It's hard opening up like this... and now that things have taken a turn, I still could use the support of all of my bloggy friends out there who understand what we are going through.  Now should I know you in real life, and you want to start a blog posting your diary on the internet, please feel free to send me a link and I will send you the password... because then, and only then... will we be on equal footing. Blogger friends, if you wouldn't mind, just linking or naming your blog in the email... I'd really appreciate it, just to help me know who I am talking to. 

To the people in real life, we are getting back into the swing of things.  Expect things to go back to the way they were.  You know so much about our past two years.  We opened up, and I remember being so hopeful for a day where this would end well.  However, unfortunately... this did not end well.  Expect the answer to "how are you?" to be "great... things couldnt be better".  This story doesn't end with a happy ending.  Good things don't always happen to good people.  Everything is not okay in the end, and yes... this is the end.  People die every day not getting their happy ending.  And some people simply can not have children. So we are going to make the best of THIS life. 

I am going to take a minute and talk about some of the good in my life.  Husband, seriously the most amazing man in the whole world.  I'm so lucky.  He's handsome, smart, funny, kind... love him. We actually have a lot of fun together.  Which from what I see out there... is rare.  He's the kind of guy that proudly comes home from Costco with an industrial pack of breathe right strips... and I'm the kind of girl that says to him "Oh, Wow, were really doing this!" As I strap one to my face.  We are such dorks and there is no one in this world I'd rather be with. I am so very lucky.

We are also so lucky to have such awesome people in our life.  Thank you for your support over these past few years.  We really do appreciate it.  It's time to move on.  It's time to not have this dictate our every move, or our every conversation.  To stop living our life in fertility cycles.  It's time to live a little.

Email me at kaybees522 at gmail dot com If I don't respond, it's because I haven't figured out how to password protect this thing yet.  I may need to start a new blog, and at least I will have your email addresses to forward that information on to you.

What I'm going to look like while trying to figure out how to password protect this bitch.  Should you know how... please email me... PLEASE!

And another for the next person who tells me they are pregnant.  This little girl's face is likely how I will be looking at you...


  1. I am so sorry... I know it takes a lot of courage to go through everything you have been through.

  2. Just sent you an email, sweetie! I'm no help with password protecting a Blogger blog ununfortunately. But I do know it's fairly easy over on Wordpress if you decide to move blogs though.

  3. I am sending you an email right now.
    I loved reading how happy your husband makes you. :)

  4. I feel ya. Been there before, but didn't express it as well as you just did.

  5. I am also sending you an email! I freaking love that Ally commercial even though Ally Bank sucks.

  6. Ah friend. What a tough time. I'm sorry the outcome isn't what you yearned for. Sending an email now.

  7. You're so interesting! I do not suppose I have read through something like that before. So nice to find somebody with some unique thoughts on this issue. Seriously.. many thanks for starting this up. This website is one thing that is needed on the internet, someone with a little originality!
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  10. I'm really sorry that things have turned out so badly for you, and that you've basically been told "we've got nothin." There is so much heartache with infertility and you've captured much of what those who are unsuccessful feel. I hope that one day for you, you will find the success you're looking for. (I'm sorry to intrude I've been tasked to offer encouragement on various fertility blogs with my work at an egg donor clinic)


Your comments make me happy. They also make me feel like I'm
not talking to myself, which is critical for my sanity :)