Monday, January 7, 2013

Blasphemy and 7 Stages of Grief

There are really no words to describe how we feel right now... I mean I will do my best but it's all over the place.  I must also add... thank you all for your kind words. It was and is appreciated. 

1.  When we decided that we were going to go down the road of embryo adoption, we did so thinking this road would suck a lot less than the heart break of another failed round of IVF.  WRONG! This road is actually turning out to suck far more than that.  Who would have known?!? The joke, yet again, is on us.

2.  I am strong willed in general... No one is going to keep me down, especially not God, who shall be known as "The Supreme Mother Fucker" until I feel as though this dude, who alleges to actually have ones back, get off his fat lazy ass and actually have ones back (offensive, yes... but that is how I feel).  If God were my friend in real life I would have kung fu chopped him in his mother fucking throat quite some time ago. I have about as much faith in him as I do Santa.  With time, maybe that will change, but today is not the day. Blasphemy.

This strong will is in fact a saving grace sometimes because I'm not going to let "The Supreme Mother Fucker" get the best of me.  So Im going to get up and pretend that this life is exactly how I envisioned it.  Im not going to lay in bed and cry all day long, like I'd like to.  Im going to show this Mother Fucker who is Boss.  Suck My Ass!

3.  Im now forced into reevaluating my life.  Serious hard core mid-life crisis.  You know how all of you friends of mine reading this dont invite us to your kids functions because we dont have kids... well now you all have kids.  Leaving us as the black childless sheep.  I'm now on a mission to find/create a group of people that do not have children and like to have fun. This means making new friends.   We are not necessarily social people, but given the circumstances we can no longer sit at home and stare at the empty nest.  It's fucking depressing as shit.  Also, given the circumstances, I'm not quite sure how I would even feel about hanging out right now.  It's like being at Oprah's Christmas show... "YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR... but you two assholes do not get a car and get to sit here and watch everyone else drive off into the sunset in their shiny new cars." I seriously feel like life as I knew it is over.  Our future is not even remotely close to going to plan.  Our past needs to be re-evaluated because I'm not into torture... which hanging out with all you smiley happy people able to move on with your life is kind of like torture. Did I ever think I would be this person??? Nope.  Will I feel that way forever?  Probably not.  But right now I do.


4.  In response to how are we doing...  How in the hell do you think we are doing?   We are doing exactly the way you would expect two people who have been trying everything under the sun to have a child... who finally get pregnant only to find out it was a fucking joke are doing... NOT WELL. My way of dealing with this is to pretend that this did not happen.  Easier said than done and I am certain, it's not the healthiest way to deal.  I've never been one to dwell on crap... this one is harder to get past.

5.  If you ask me if I have "thought about adoption or a surrogate"... from now on please do so with a check in your hand, which I will gladly accept.  Of course we have thought about adoption and/ or a surrogate.  It's kind of like asking the person thirsty in the desert if they have thought about getting a drink of water.  Im sure that they have, but if you could kindly direct me to a fucking well I would gladly get a drink.

Surrogates/Gestational carriers cost somewhere around 40-70k.  Adoptions 30-40k.  Unfortunately we do not have that kind of money just laying around.  Oh... and foster care... I'm 32 years old.  I didn't exactly plan on taking my child bra shopping within the first week of meeting them.  Thanks but no thanks. That shit is just weird and makes me feel like I would be on "To Catch A Predator".

Don't believe me?  Go ahead and google it... pretend that you are looking this up for yourself.  Pretend that these are your options. 

6.  I started cramping on NYE... It all became real.  I couldn't eat.  I just sat and cried... and then I looked at my husband, I jumped up and said I am not doing this.  We called Walt Disney, personally, booked a trip to Disney World.  Happiest place on Earth.  Somehow I'm seeing the SuperBowl commercial... but instead it's like... "You just had a miscarriage... what are you going to do????" "IM GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!"  Poor financial decision... absolutely.

7.  There are 3 embryos left.  I think they are better off on ice indefinitely.  Unfortunately being thawed means they meet their untimely death in my angry ute.  We are in need of a break.  I can no longer think about this or what is next for a long time.  There are no future plans except having fun, enjoying cocktails, living life, and mostly anything other than this.   

8.  Conflicting information... how does one do #7 when none of that is really what they want?  Any answers?  Please feel free to let me in on the secret.

Im sorry for this angry rant... but I suppose The 7 signs of Grief are in full effect... I'm in strong denial.  Skipped guilt... and am in a full on rager right now.

31 comments:

  1. It is nice to see someone be so open and honest about a subject that people don't ever dare talk badly about.

    I could have wrote your #2 myself.

    I hope that you are able to work through your stages of feeling generally pissed on.

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    1. I am glad to know that I am not alone.

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  2. I like your idea that if someone asks about adoption or surrogacy they can only do so after making a contribution.

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    1. It's a good one.. If people had to put their money where their mouth is they would likely zip it. I also love how it's spoken like it's this genius idea. One that has never been thought up before. "Hmmm adoption? Surrogacy? No we never thought about it. In fact this is the first time I've ever heard of it."

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  3. Oh my God, I have so been there. I'm still a little angry/pissed off but I suppress it well. I'm sending love and hugs your way! None of this is fair and it all sucks ass.

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    1. Unfortunately, I am not suppressing it well. :)

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  4. It fucking sucks, and I am so sorry you have to move through this crap. I agree. God can be an ultimate mother fucker. I hope something, anything, goes your way in the new year. Maybe it is new friends that want to have ugly sweater parties every Saturday. That would be better.

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    1. Working on it... Thinking about going to the new match.com events with my husband and just wandering around saying we are looking for new friends... Is that weird?

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  5. This post captures EVERYTHING I feel when I'm in an anger/rage phase. It's perfect. And I love the Oprah Show analogy, which is exactly how I'm going to explain it to people from now on. As for Disney...I don't know about it being a poor financial decision, but I hope you enjoy the fuck out of that vacation.

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    1. There's another commercial... I'm putting it up tomorrow. It's a similiar situation that you will get a kick out of.

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    2. I think we are going to have a good time. Ive wanted to eat at the Disney castle for a long time! I'm doing it! So embarrassing.

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  6. It's good that you can get this all out. You are angry/depressed/worried/etc and you should totally do what ever you have to do to deal. Make no apologies (says the girl that apologizes when she does it.)
    Many of us have been there in one form or another. It sucks and that's all there is to it. Rage on!

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  7. you rock my world today. i have only good ths for you. and know that many of us totally get this!

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    1. In so glad... Bc I had visions of many if you thinking "the shock.. The horror." If god is as cool as some of the stories I hear then he will totally get why I'm so pissed right now.

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  8. Oh my gosh I just want to give you the biggest hug ever, and a punching bag. #3 is IT! Your Oprah analogy is the best I've ever heard. I wish we lived closer together so we could go have so liquid therapy.

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    1. I wish you lived closer too! Not fair!

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  9. It sucks. :( that's all I got. Thinking of you!

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    1. Thank you! No truer words have ever been spoken.

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  10. Grrrrrr, I am raging on your behalf. There is nothing wrong with feeling every single stage of grief and you should. Get angry, get sad. If I could I would take you out for a wild night and we could let our hair down and bitch over a couple of stiff drinks.

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    1. I wish! I suggested that all of us find a way to group Skype and have cocktails. One big happy family.

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  11. #5! #5!!!! Yes! Nothing made me feel so good as when a nosy coworker asked me two years ago why we hadn't looked into adoption and I looked at her and said, "What makes you think we haven't? Do you have any idea what it entails? We've been waiting for a year!"

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  12. I know you're hurt. And I know you're angry. But fuck you are funny. The Supreme Motherfucker? I am so on board with that! And also if said Motherfucker can't handle me being angry at him then i'm going to request a room in hell instead because he should totally get over himself. And how would he know what it's like, he already has offpsring! And the bit about taking an adopted child bra shopping in the first week is exactly how I feel about it too... awkward, getting to know a kid in puberty, yes? I love you in all your crazy-arsed, angry glory.

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    1. I just read some of your blog... We may be soul mates or something.

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  13. I am here and I am reading, hurting and pissed off w you.

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  14. So, I just stumbled across your blog and what an introduction. I can feel your pain and anger through this post and it captures so many things I have felt over the last year. I also find myself wanting to only hang out with people that not only don't have kids but don't want them because they don't ask and they don't tell me to just adopt and they won't surprise me with a pregnancy announcement. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

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    1. I'm really sorry that we meet during a post where I seem to be speaking in tongues posessed by something totally evil. Come back and visit next week.. Things might be happier.

      Who am I kidding... Probably not, but we can hope.

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  15. An old neighbor wrote in a comment in my blog once about why we didn't just adopt? OMG. This is a girl who two biological children and no issues to speak of, nor any knowledge on the stress or cost of adoption, suggesting that if I can't get pregnant on my own I should adopt.

    Fuck you. I'm sending the Amish Mafia.

    Also, while the situation sucks ass you are hilarious.

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Your comments make me happy. They also make me feel like I'm
not talking to myself, which is critical for my sanity :)