There are really no words to describe how we feel right now... I mean I will do my best but it's all over the place. I must also add... thank you all for your kind words. It was and is appreciated.
1. When we decided that we were going to go down the road of embryo adoption, we did so thinking this road would suck a lot less than the heart break of another failed round of IVF. WRONG! This road is actually turning out to suck far more than that. Who would have known?!? The joke, yet again, is on us.
2. I am strong willed in general... No one is going to keep me down, especially not God, who shall be known as "The Supreme Mother Fucker" until I feel as though this dude, who alleges to actually have ones back, get off his fat lazy ass and actually have ones back (offensive, yes... but that is how I feel). If God were my friend in real life I would have kung fu chopped him in his mother fucking throat quite some time ago. I have about as much faith in him as I do Santa. With time, maybe that will change, but today is not the day. Blasphemy.
This strong will is in fact a saving grace sometimes because I'm not going to let "The Supreme Mother Fucker" get the best of me. So Im going to get up and pretend that this life is exactly how I envisioned it. Im not going to lay in bed and cry all day long, like I'd like to. Im going to show this Mother Fucker who is Boss. Suck My Ass!
3. Im now forced into reevaluating my life. Serious hard core mid-life crisis. You know how all of you friends of mine reading this dont invite us to your kids functions because we dont have kids... well now you all have kids. Leaving us as the black childless sheep. I'm now on a mission to find/create a group of people that do not have children and like to have fun. This means making new friends. We are not necessarily social people, but given the circumstances we can no longer sit at home and stare at the empty nest. It's fucking depressing as shit. Also, given the circumstances, I'm not quite sure how I would even feel about hanging out right now. It's like being at Oprah's Christmas show... "YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR... but you two assholes do not get a car and get to sit here and watch everyone else drive off into the sunset in their shiny new cars." I seriously feel like life as I knew it is over. Our future is not even remotely close to going to plan. Our past needs to be re-evaluated because I'm not into torture... which hanging out with all you smiley happy people able to move on with your life is kind of like torture. Did I ever think I would be this person??? Nope. Will I feel that way forever? Probably not. But right now I do.
4. In response to how are we doing... How in the hell do you think we are doing? We are doing exactly the way you would expect two people who have been trying everything under the sun to have a child... who finally get pregnant only to find out it was a fucking joke are doing... NOT WELL. My way of dealing with this is to pretend that this did not happen. Easier said than done and I am certain, it's not the healthiest way to deal. I've never been one to dwell on crap... this one is harder to get past.
5. If you ask me if I have "thought about adoption or a surrogate"... from now on please do so with a check in your hand, which I will gladly accept. Of course we have thought about adoption and/ or a surrogate. It's kind of like asking the person thirsty in the desert if they have thought about getting a drink of water. Im sure that they have, but if you could kindly direct me to a fucking well I would gladly get a drink.
Surrogates/Gestational carriers cost somewhere around 40-70k. Adoptions 30-40k. Unfortunately we do not have that kind of money just laying around. Oh... and foster care... I'm 32 years old. I didn't exactly plan on taking my child bra shopping within the first week of meeting them. Thanks but no thanks. That shit is just weird and makes me feel like I would be on "To Catch A Predator".
Don't believe me? Go ahead and google it... pretend that you are looking this up for yourself. Pretend that these are your options.
6. I started cramping on NYE... It all became real. I couldn't eat. I just sat and cried... and then I looked at my husband, I jumped up and said I am not doing this. We called Walt Disney, personally, booked a trip to Disney World. Happiest place on Earth. Somehow I'm seeing the SuperBowl commercial... but instead it's like... "You just had a miscarriage... what are you going to do????" "IM GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!" Poor financial decision... absolutely.
7. There are 3 embryos left. I think they are better off on ice indefinitely. Unfortunately being thawed means they meet their untimely death in my angry ute. We are in need of a break. I can no longer think about this or what is next for a long time. There are no future plans except having fun, enjoying cocktails, living life, and mostly anything other than this.
8. Conflicting information... how does one do #7 when none of that is really what they want? Any answers? Please feel free to let me in on the secret.
Im sorry for this angry rant... but I suppose The 7 signs of Grief are in full effect... I'm in strong denial. Skipped guilt... and am in a full on rager right now.