I'm Still Standing

Well, we are still breathing.  I still hate God and his insane clown posse.  It's a battle of the heart and common sense.  Common sense says God is a fictitious douche with evil magical powers... my heart says maybe someday there will be a plan for us.  For right now... we just need to relax, enjoy life.  I have to get this fat off of my body by any means necessary, which I am not against taking scissors to remove some of it manually.  There are additional breasts developing in my underarm area.. and I just feel like that needs to be addressed immediately.

I went to my WTF appointment, our third.  Where the RE told us that "these things happen" and that "she wishes that she had more answers for us".  She said that she would like to chalk this up to really bad luck, because there is just no reason medically that this should be happening to us at this time.  She told us that if we were to try again that she would opt for a more natural cycle.  Something about no Lupron which perked me up a little bit, but also adding Follistim and Gannerelix... I checked out.  I do not think we are ready to do this again.  I quit... game over... God.. I hear your message and I get it... we should not have children.  LOUD AND FUCKING CLEAR... WE GET IT. Message received.  We surrender. You fucking bully.

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With that said, I know feel pretty comfortable in responding to the question "Do you have children?" with the appropriate response, "No, we can not have children".  Gulp, I choked up a bit just typing that, but it's the truth.  Not in the same sense that that girl from high school told everyone she knew that she could not have children and then ended up with four illegitimate children from four different fathers.  But in the actual clinical sense based off of scientific data... we can not have children.  So while that response may make you, fictitious person asking me such dumb questions, feel uncomfortable... your question makes me feel equally uncomfortable, so we are even.

Another decision... We must get our privacy back.  Letting people (in real life) know about this blog seemed like a good idea at the time.  It was great when discussing things that already happened.  It was not great discussing things while they happened.  It was really not great having everyone under the sun know about the most recent happenings.  So Im going to password protect the blog.  Just email me and I will give you bloggers my password.  It's hard opening up like this... and now that things have taken a turn, I still could use the support of all of my bloggy friends out there who understand what we are going through.  Now should I know you in real life, and you want to start a blog posting your diary on the internet, please feel free to send me a link and I will send you the password... because then, and only then... will we be on equal footing. Blogger friends, if you wouldn't mind, just linking or naming your blog in the email... I'd really appreciate it, just to help me know who I am talking to. 

To the people in real life, we are getting back into the swing of things.  Expect things to go back to the way they were.  You know so much about our past two years.  We opened up, and I remember being so hopeful for a day where this would end well.  However, unfortunately... this did not end well.  Expect the answer to "how are you?" to be "great... things couldnt be better".  This story doesn't end with a happy ending.  Good things don't always happen to good people.  Everything is not okay in the end, and yes... this is the end.  People die every day not getting their happy ending.  And some people simply can not have children. So we are going to make the best of THIS life. 



I am going to take a minute and talk about some of the good in my life.  Husband, seriously the most amazing man in the whole world.  I'm so lucky.  He's handsome, smart, funny, kind... love him. We actually have a lot of fun together.  Which from what I see out there... is rare.  He's the kind of guy that proudly comes home from Costco with an industrial pack of breathe right strips... and I'm the kind of girl that says to him "Oh, Wow, were really doing this!" As I strap one to my face.  We are such dorks and there is no one in this world I'd rather be with. I am so very lucky.

We are also so lucky to have such awesome people in our life.  Thank you for your support over these past few years.  We really do appreciate it.  It's time to move on.  It's time to not have this dictate our every move, or our every conversation.  To stop living our life in fertility cycles.  It's time to live a little.

Email me at kaybees522 at gmail dot com If I don't respond, it's because I haven't figured out how to password protect this thing yet.  I may need to start a new blog, and at least I will have your email addresses to forward that information on to you.

What I'm going to look like while trying to figure out how to password protect this bitch.  Should you know how... please email me... PLEASE!

And another for the next person who tells me they are pregnant.  This little girl's face is likely how I will be looking at you...

Blasphemy and 7 Stages of Grief

There are really no words to describe how we feel right now... I mean I will do my best but it's all over the place.  I must also add... thank you all for your kind words. It was and is appreciated. 

1.  When we decided that we were going to go down the road of embryo adoption, we did so thinking this road would suck a lot less than the heart break of another failed round of IVF.  WRONG! This road is actually turning out to suck far more than that.  Who would have known?!? The joke, yet again, is on us.

2.  I am strong willed in general... No one is going to keep me down, especially not God, who shall be known as "The Supreme Mother Fucker" until I feel as though this dude, who alleges to actually have ones back, get off his fat lazy ass and actually have ones back (offensive, yes... but that is how I feel).  If God were my friend in real life I would have kung fu chopped him in his mother fucking throat quite some time ago. I have about as much faith in him as I do Santa.  With time, maybe that will change, but today is not the day. Blasphemy.

This strong will is in fact a saving grace sometimes because I'm not going to let "The Supreme Mother Fucker" get the best of me.  So Im going to get up and pretend that this life is exactly how I envisioned it.  Im not going to lay in bed and cry all day long, like I'd like to.  Im going to show this Mother Fucker who is Boss.  Suck My Ass!

3.  Im now forced into reevaluating my life.  Serious hard core mid-life crisis.  You know how all of you friends of mine reading this dont invite us to your kids functions because we dont have kids... well now you all have kids.  Leaving us as the black childless sheep.  I'm now on a mission to find/create a group of people that do not have children and like to have fun. This means making new friends.   We are not necessarily social people, but given the circumstances we can no longer sit at home and stare at the empty nest.  It's fucking depressing as shit.  Also, given the circumstances, I'm not quite sure how I would even feel about hanging out right now.  It's like being at Oprah's Christmas show... "YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR... but you two assholes do not get a car and get to sit here and watch everyone else drive off into the sunset in their shiny new cars." I seriously feel like life as I knew it is over.  Our future is not even remotely close to going to plan.  Our past needs to be re-evaluated because I'm not into torture... which hanging out with all you smiley happy people able to move on with your life is kind of like torture. Did I ever think I would be this person??? Nope.  Will I feel that way forever?  Probably not.  But right now I do.


4.  In response to how are we doing...  How in the hell do you think we are doing?   We are doing exactly the way you would expect two people who have been trying everything under the sun to have a child... who finally get pregnant only to find out it was a fucking joke are doing... NOT WELL. My way of dealing with this is to pretend that this did not happen.  Easier said than done and I am certain, it's not the healthiest way to deal.  I've never been one to dwell on crap... this one is harder to get past.

5.  If you ask me if I have "thought about adoption or a surrogate"... from now on please do so with a check in your hand, which I will gladly accept.  Of course we have thought about adoption and/ or a surrogate.  It's kind of like asking the person thirsty in the desert if they have thought about getting a drink of water.  Im sure that they have, but if you could kindly direct me to a fucking well I would gladly get a drink.

Surrogates/Gestational carriers cost somewhere around 40-70k.  Adoptions 30-40k.  Unfortunately we do not have that kind of money just laying around.  Oh... and foster care... I'm 32 years old.  I didn't exactly plan on taking my child bra shopping within the first week of meeting them.  Thanks but no thanks. That shit is just weird and makes me feel like I would be on "To Catch A Predator".

Don't believe me?  Go ahead and google it... pretend that you are looking this up for yourself.  Pretend that these are your options. 

6.  I started cramping on NYE... It all became real.  I couldn't eat.  I just sat and cried... and then I looked at my husband, I jumped up and said I am not doing this.  We called Walt Disney, personally, booked a trip to Disney World.  Happiest place on Earth.  Somehow I'm seeing the SuperBowl commercial... but instead it's like... "You just had a miscarriage... what are you going to do????" "IM GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!"  Poor financial decision... absolutely.

7.  There are 3 embryos left.  I think they are better off on ice indefinitely.  Unfortunately being thawed means they meet their untimely death in my angry ute.  We are in need of a break.  I can no longer think about this or what is next for a long time.  There are no future plans except having fun, enjoying cocktails, living life, and mostly anything other than this.   

8.  Conflicting information... how does one do #7 when none of that is really what they want?  Any answers?  Please feel free to let me in on the secret.

Im sorry for this angry rant... but I suppose The 7 signs of Grief are in full effect... I'm in strong denial.  Skipped guilt... and am in a full on rager right now.

Sasquatch Sighting

Imagine that you are in your back yard... Imagine that out of the corner of your eye you see Big Foot, you turn and you and Big Foot lock eyes.  Im sure you are thinking to yourself a number of things that include...

1.  WTF was that?
2.  Am I seeing what I think I am seeing?
3.  Is this a dream?
4.  Am I high?
5.  Does anyone else see what I just saw?
6.  Should I scream?
7.  Is this even possible?
8.  Never in my entire life did I ever think I would ever see THIS.  


Well that is exactly how I felt when I saw THIS...

I kind of had an inkling that this had worked out, when my husband came down to the basement to watch TV with me with leftover chicken cheese steak.  I sat there for a few minutes sweating... and then I had to get up because the smell of chicken cheese steak made me want to vomit.  But I chalked it up to hormones and called it a day.

The day before Christmas Eve we were over my in-laws.  We were watching a movie.  I had to get up because I was about to vomit.  Second clue.  But again... we've been here before, so again, I told myself it was hormones.

My husband and I had previously made a pact that we were going to test on Christmas morning.  Christmas Eve night I went to bed at 10:00.  We are typically night owls so this is early for us.  I woke up at 2:30am and decided to POAS.  Sure we made a pact, but I was going to break it.  If it was negative, I would just pee on one when I woke up and we could cry all by ourselves on Christmas morning... I'm not above trickery.  So I did it... and sure enough there were two lines.  I could not believe it.  I didnt cry or anything.  I think I am still in complete shock.  But then I came up with this genius plan...

I wrapped the stick in the paper and put it in the bottom of his stocking.  I then laid in bed for 3 hours wide awake trying to get him to wake up and open presents.  He didn't!!!  I finally fell asleep.  When the big moment came to POAS.... I went to the bathroom and came out.  He's looking at me...
I said..."MAN! I forgot to do the test!!!"
He said... "are you kidding me?" 
Me: "No! Well, lets just go open presents, we can do that later."

So that's what we did. We opened gifts.  My husband loves Christmas, so there was no twisting of the arm there.  So I made him open his gifts first.  Then I told him there were some things in his stockings.  I packed that sucker... so the test was in the very bottom.  Start Wars bobble heads... A mini mega phone... A Flyers cup he wanted.

And then... he dug out the test.  He opened it!  It was pretty awesome.  A Christmas Miracle!!!!!!

Before you go jumping for joy... you have to know this story does not end well.  I wrote all of the above before last Thursday.  On last Thursday, I did my normal POAS, and I saw this...

For some of you positive people you wouldnt have even noticed why I freaked the fuck out when I saw this third test on the bottom Thursday morning.  However most of you probably know why... It wasnt darker.  The line wasnt darker.  In fact, in my opinion, at the time of the test, it was lighter.  I tried to pretend that it was because I had drank more water.  I tried to convince myself a million reasons as to why the line was lighter... but I knew.  I hoped I was wrong, but I knew.  I called the doctors office and they moved up my beta by a day. 

A few hours later, I got the call... "we have some mixed results, your beta number is very low.  It should be much higher than this.  I'm very very sorry, but this does not look like a viable pregnancy.  I am very very sorry, but please continue to take your medicine until your next beta on Saturday."   It was the first time I ever broke down with the nurse on the phone.  We came so far, why is this happening to us? 

Everyone tried to tell me that this was just a low HCG, but I knew better.  Sure you can google and hear all sorts of miracle stories, but I know this much... miracles dont happen to me.  I fall on the shitty end of statistics.  I knew it was over, of course I hoped I was wrong.

Saturday, it snowed 2 inches.  My appointment got rescheduled until Sunday.  Saturday evening, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I POAS again... if this was over, it was going to show up on the test.  I saw this....

 

It was over.  Sunday's appointment confirmed.. Game over.

With that said... I have to giant middle fingers for God.  He's quite the asshole.  I feel like we are on the recieving end of the cruelest of cruel jokes.