Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Hormonal Ramblings



All over the place with ramblings and such.

Okay folks, I have my lining check on Friday.  That means we are less than two weeks from embryo transfer.  Holy Cow.  This cycle has made me beyond exhausted.  However, other than that I really try to pretend it’s just another day.  Nothing major is happening.  La Te Da.  You know, when all of this madness has lost all of it’s luster.  You for sure know that this doesn’t have to work, in fact you habitually fall on the wrong side of statistics.  There is that little bastard called hope.  Of course I hope this works out.  I hope that this is done and over with because right now we are stuck.  Stuck in this place where we hope for a future that’s different than the path we are on.  Stuck here in the in between.  I can not do this anymore.  So, I think it’s game over if this doesn’t work.  We start planning for the child free future. 

For those of you that know us in real life... list all grievances now.  After next Friday (consider yourself warned) we do not need any additional unpleasantries.  Our life is unpleasant enough.  So please get this out now.  It seems like every cycle people come out of the wood work during the two week wait.  This cycle, I have to be selfish.  I have to say this.  Usually, I'm the type of person that would drop anything for anyone.  Not now.  I have to do this for us.  We have a lot riding on this.  A cross roads of sorts for how our life is going to play out.  I can not look back on this next cycle and know I put someone else's needs in front of our own.  Should you want to help, come over sometime during that wait and keep me from peeing on sticks like a psychopath because should I see one negative test, I will die.  

Also, all you kind people who have volunteered your uterus. We’re coming after you should this not work.  Get ready.  Start taking your vitamins.  I kid.  I kid.  (Not really).  

Our life resembles a circus.  We have been very open about all of this.  Let me vent… Do you ever come across people that act like they want to be there for you, but it just seems that they really just want front row seats to the circus?  Relationships are based on a two way street.  My pet peeve is people that want to advise you on your life problems, yet never want to share their own.  We all have problems.  However it’s the ones that want you to confess your darkest moments while they sit there acting like everything is just peaches in their own.  Ummm… I can see that your life is also in shambles… so if I need to talk to someone, I have a counselor for that.  I don’t like one sided relationships.  It’s less about developing a relationship and more about making the other person feel like they have a purpose.    Don’t do that at my expense… go get a hobby.

Can you tell Im all hopped up on bitter hormones?

I ran over a squirrel yesterday in my work parking lot, and had to drive past the kill for lunch and returning from lunch.  Uff… I wanted to cry.  I just want a regular day where nothing ridiculous happens.  Last Thursday our heater leaked water everywhere.  It was in the basement and THANK GOD I caught it right before it leaked from the unfinished side to the finished side.  

Update on the hole:  It’s getting a lot better.  It’s still there, but closing up.  I’ve been putting Vitamin E on it, and that has helped me sooooooo much.

On Saturday we are having an ugly Christmas Sweater Party.  Woot Woot!  I am so excited about this.  I need something to divert my attention from my real life.  Our house looks like the freaking North Pole.  We have two trees this year.  Im calling one tree the drunk tree and the other tree the sober tree.  The basement “drunk” tree is filled with beach ornaments… Santa at the beach, pink flamingos, Hawaiian lei lights.  It’s awesome.  This year is the first year we have a traditional tree, AKA “sober tree”.  I’ll put pictures of everything some time this weekend.  I got a cake that looks like an ugly sweater.  I am attempting to fill my yard with those blow up things, which I really hate.  I want like 10 of them, and unfortunately I can only find 3 without buying them… so I think I have to scratch the idea. Booo.  I was imagining everyones face when they pulled up to “that house”. 

11 comments:

  1. I hate when people try to give a ton of advice to you but never want to talk about what is going on in their life that might be kind of unsavory. I definitely limit the amount of people like that who I am friends with. They can take their prefect lives and great advice elsewhere!

    Man sounds like so much going on right now for you. So much to think about. I really hope everything works out for you. Seriously, I am pulling for you!!!

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    1. Thanks love! I'm glad I'm not alone! Although I get that our life is a shit show, I don't actually want to feel like it is a real shit show. A relationship whether it's with family or friends is about being there for each other. When people share nothing of their own lives... or the things they have to share is strictly about other people... it makes me so irritated. Get out of my ass and quit feeling like you deserve to know every single thing, when we don't have that kind of relationship. You feel like they are eating popcorn while hearing all the juicy details of your life. When you can clearly see things are no where near perfection over in their neck of the woods.

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  2. I really enjoy your ramblings, if for no other reason than that you are very REAL. I admire the fact that you can find humor in the "shit show".

    I absolutley think you should be putting yourself first right now! That doesn't have to mean you don't care about others, but I fully believe you have to take care of yourself in order to fully care of others. It's difficult, but you deserve this and hopefully everyone else can support you during this time. If they can't, I hate to say it, but that's their problem.

    You take care of yourself. I'm thinking positive thoughts for you as you near your own transfer and 2ww. Good luck!

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    1. I think we've tried to handle things by letting people know that this is what is happening, that didnt work out.

      Then in secret, which doesn't work. The crap hits the fan during that period.

      So now we are back at being open... but open with the *fine print*... you cause me any grief, I will rip your face off. Smiles :) (Did you hear that smile ding?) LOL. I will blame hormones. I really appreciate your advice. I'm also glad you aren't offended by my ramblings. It's hard to blog to people that don't know you and might not get my demented sense of humor. Thanks again for the well wishes. Im wishing you the same.

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  3. OMG. Please, please, please keep trying to find inflatable lawn ornaments for your sweater party. The amount of joy that sentence brought me was unprecedented. Even three would be amazing. AMAZING.

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    1. LOL! I know, right! Im just imagining your pulling up to an ugly christmas sweater party and you see a yard with those in it. I would die laughing. My in-laws have one that is Santa in a port-a-potty and the door swings open to reveal Santa exposed. Im pretty excited about that one.

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  4. I started following your blog during the last ICLW and I'm glad I did, I really enjoy your writing style. Wishing you all the best moving forward and of course hoping this cycle is a success for you

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    1. Thanks so much! I'm glad you found me too, because I found you (hallmark moment). I'm very interested in your ivf clinic. This really sounds like the best idea ever! What could be better than sun and sand during ivf??

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  5. Your party sounds amazing. So much fun. I have been invited to a grand total on 0 parties this year so far, but to tell the truth I don't feel very festive. Maybe if I threw one then I could cheer myself up?

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    1. I think you should. If anything, it's a distraction. It keeps me from focusing on all of this! It also gives me something to look forward to.

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  6. I hope your ugly sweater party, drunk Christmas tree, and - oh yes - some good news after Friday's lining check brought you more than enough cheer to make up for a squished squirrel. You deserve it, lady.

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Your comments make me happy. They also make me feel like I'm
not talking to myself, which is critical for my sanity :)