The opposite of Fertile

As we pass the one year mark on "the year of hell", it is becoming apparent that going forward our new normal is SO VERY FAR FROM NORMAL. The old me, prior to experiencing all of this, would have told the new me to shut the hell up, no one wants to hear about this crap. The new me now realizes that it is impossible to move forward with family and friends, without explaining how we got here. I'm sure all of you know bits and pieces. We've gone through one thing after another. Some are harder than others to talk about. Honestly, what we've gone through is hard to talk about to one person, so to have to talk about it over and over and over to every single person is difficult. Some people hear some news, some people hear other stories and after a year of things going from bad to worse, it's hard to tell who knows what.


We are starting to have to make more difficult decisions, and as an outsider not understanding what has been going on, I would look at this situation and say WTF?! They are doing what?! Why would they do this? I know, I’m not supposed to care what other people think, and to some extent, I don’t. During all of this, we've tried to make the best possible decisions based on what has been thrown at us. At this point, I think it's fair to say, we've been in a shit storm for a while. I feel like people from the outside, might see us having a rough time, not understanding what's going on behind closed doors.  You can’t help but feel like some people think you are being dramatic, or unnecessarily making this situation seem worse.  We aren’t. We've tried to put a smile on our face, put one foot in front of the other, but it hasn’t been easy.

 For the past year, infertility has totally consumed our life. Yet, it's not exactly something I like to talk about. For those of you that know me know, when I break, I break. It isn’t pretty. I can write how I feel, but for some reason, talking about it, makes me freak out. You know those nasty cries that resemble hyperventilation. So I try to avoid that at all costs. So the answer to the "how are you's?" is usually "great, things are just great, couldn’t be better" because I don’t believe that people want to hear about this, and honestly, I would like to continue going through life pretending that this isn’t happening to us. At this point, there is no denying it, this is really happening to us.  So, I’m going to try my best to chronicle how we got here.  I don’t want to be this coward, embarrassed to talk about this anymore.  There are a lot of people going through this.  We are reproductively challenged, there I said it.

Now, before I get into this, I need to put this out there… We stopped using birth control two years ago.  So if one more person tells me, just give it time, just have fun, etc, you may actually meet my fist as it hits your face.  Year one, I don’t think either of us really cared that things weren’t happening.  Year two involved actively trying, and here we are today so I think it’s safe to say we have a legitimate problem. 

Many people don’t know this, because we really didn’t share this with the world, but a while ago, I had a miscarriage.  Miscarriage is such a pretty word.  Miscarriage really doesn’t begin to describe the carnage that actually occurs.  Miscarriage as you enter the third month of pregnancy is truly horrific.  I can tell you that after this occurred; I had zero interest in ever trying that ever again, anytime, in my immediate future.  Now, the fact that we got pregnant, the first time we ever stopped using birth control, led me to believe that when we actually did decide to try again, that we wouldn’t have a problem.  I think this has been the hardest part of all of this to process.  How did we get from there to here?  We’ve asked the doctor, she just looks at us compassionately, as she tells us that she wishes that she knew why things like this happen.  There are no answers, but that obviously during these few short years, things have deteriorated quicker than they should have.  It happens, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So the next few posts will involve catching up to where we are today.  Please bear with me as I attempt to put into words what we have been dealing with.  I'm hoping that after we are all caught up, that this page can serve as an update to family members so that we can just tell this story once through this blog, as opposed to 90,000 times verbally, which usually involves tears. We want so badly to get our life back, get back to where this topic wasnt consuming every single thought.  We appreciate the support of family and friends more than you could ever know.