The shock, the horror!!

Sooo.... Everything was going great! Better than I could have ever expected. Quite wonderful actually.

Then on Monday,I developed an itchy welt around an incision site. Itchy doesn't begin to describe the itch!

Then I started feeling a little funny. Very tired.

Then I developed this pain. If I roll over in my sleep, it's the kind of pain you have nightmares about. I wake up screaming. It feels like my skin or an organ is ripping or tearing. So much so that I make my husband look at it because I'm certain there's blood. Luckily it goes away pretty fast, and I've pinpointed the movement that causes the pain, so I avoid that at all costs.

Monday and Tuesday we got the hurricane. Since it really didn't look like an infection... No noticeable pain other than the one linked to movement, no fever (I seriously never ever ever get a fever.... If I do it's like 99.1), and my biggest complaint was an itch... I did not know it was serious. I also didn't have many options because of the hurricane... Everything was closed. I did call the office Tuesday, but obviously I didn't get a return call.

So this morning, I woke up to that horrible pain, screaming. It seemed like it was just getting worse and worse. So I called and got an appointment at 10 am.

Luckily for me, it must have been pregnant people day.

The nurse took my blood pressure 140/60 and asked if that was normal for me... NO! I'm normally 120/80. Then she asked me what was wrong. I started telling her. She then asked that I list my biggest complaint... Obviously it's this pain. I could tell that she was starting to dismiss everything. I explained that this surgery was nothing in comparison to my last one. Finally I just lifted my shirt and shared exactly what was going on... Really let's cut to the chase here!!! Why don't you look at it?!?!?

So she leaves immediately and gets another nurse. Now there are two... The new nurse looks at it, she goes and gets a nurse practitioner who comes in and looks like she is watching the Hindenburg accident as its playing live on my stomach... THE SHOCK! THE HORROR! All 3 of them just sat there staring in disgust.

At this point I kind of start freaking out. The nurse practitioner just said this is bad, look how it's spreading. I told her i can tell from the look on her face. So then they go to get the doctor. Now I have 2 nurses, one Nurse practitioner, and a doctor looking at my stomach in disgust.

Then he said the following... I don't think I need to open you back up right now.

WAIT... WTF?!? WHAT!!!! Cue internal freak out now.

I have an infection. I'm on antibiotics And I have to get monitored very closely to see if I respond to the antibiotics. They have drawn all over my stomach and I guess are waiting to see if the spots go down. my next appointment is tomorrow. I'm hoping the antibiotics work!!

I'm doing okay, just really really tired.

off balance

Every relationship needs balance.  A little ying and a little yang. 

In our relationship, I am the one that freaks out.  I am the one with the disaster kit ready for nuclear warfare. 

Well our balance is off.  I have been high on pain meds since Wednesday.  I knew there was a hurricane coming.  I sent my husband off to the grocery store to get cupcake supplies... that should have been his sign to step the hell up.  It wasn't.  '

Tonight we were watching the news, and the news kept saying this historical event.  I said I don't get it, what is so historical about it.  To which he informs me that it is the second largest hurricane of all time... or something to that effect. 

cue freak out.

This is what I get for making fun of the Amish.  We lose power all of the time. Ive been running around the house filling up Tupperware with ice, empty water bottles with water, I vacuumed because I don't want to sit in my filth for days on end.   

We are all going to die, the end is near... frankenstorm... you sneaky little bastard!

I'll likely be living in Amish paradise for a bit! 

Dont think less of me, but

I have a confession to make... I make poor tv choices. 

There, I said it. 

I generally don't  watch new tv series because every show I like gets canceled (this should be my sign)

In my spare time, I don't like to learn, Im not trying to pick up new hobbies,   I'm terribly busy watching reality tv. 

1.  Breaking Amish:  I live in Delaware, about an hour away from Lancaster.  After watching this show, I really don't know if I can ever go to Amish Country again.  Im disturbed.  I am as horrified as if I were really watching Children of the Corn.  They pull their adult teeth out of children.  The highest grade of school they attend is 8th grade.  Most quit before that.  There is a couple on the show that are dating.  They make me feel like I am watching weird colonial pornography. 

2.  Long Island Medium:  This woman is amazeballs.  Im thinking about hanging out at local diners in hopes that I bump into her, so that she tells me some kind of message from the other side. Please help me make sense of this ridiculous life journey that I am on. 

3. Kardashians:  GUILTY.  That's all I am going to say.

4.  Honey Boo Boo:  I am in love, but then again, I think that kids that cuss are awesome ( I seriously can not imagine why the universe has decided that we should not have children).

5.  Giuliana and Bill:  I think I only watch this show because Im waiting for Giuliana to punch Bill in the face the next time he says..."this isn't my first rodeo."  Seriously Bill, the infinite wisdom that you gained from Trump is unfounded. STFU!

6.  Moonshiners:  I love Tickle.  He really put his life on the line to make moonshine.  I appreciate his dedication.  When he fell down and broke his ribs because he was drunk while making moonshine.  He took it like a man.  When he said..."the cause and the remedy were one of the same"  as he tipped back his glass of moonshine, a little piece of me fell in love.  My hero.

7.  Real Housewives: any season, all of tbem, all year, all the time.... I like all of the crazy characters too... like Ramona, Nene , Sonja... lets just say I like the unstable ones.  I enjoy the drinking games on Watch What happens live.  I love me some Andy Cohen. 

8 Ghost Hunters:  This is actually my husbands guilty pleasure, but I secretly enjoy it too.  My husband has a habit of coming home with the most ridiculous gifts for his beloved.  You should have seen his face when he gave me my TAPS sweatshirt.

9.  Im pretty sure it is safe to assume, if there is a show that makes people think... who would watch that crap... the answer is me. 

Hormones don't make me crazy... Riiight

A look back at all of the crazy things I did while under the influence of hormones:

1. Someone told me turtles are a symbol of fertility. I purchased this:

Link to etsy shop

I'm obsessed with mermaids right now, the name of the store. So that combined with the pineapple colored stones... Clearly a sign from mother earth.

Under normal circumstances I dont believe in This shit, but desparate times call for desparate measures. So I took my cross off and have been rocking the turtle. If you see something wrong with this, you aren't alone. Last time I rocked my cross, I rocked the st gerard pins. We all know how that worked out. I'm now taking chances on turtles. 

2.  Have you ever seen "dude where's my car?" the scene at the drive thru.. "and den" "no and den"! 

I had a similar conversation with my RE's office where I collectively lost my shit. The woman on the phone kept saying OKAAAAAY! And I kept alternating between NO NOT OKAAAAAAY!  NOT OKAY, okay!! Over and over and over again.  

3.  I sent an email to Good Morning America because I did not like the way Josh seems to bully Sam Champion on a daily basis. Yes, this really happened. 

I told my husband later that night, "I emailed GMA this morning". To which he replied, "I was just about to say you were doing really good on these hormones."

4.  I screamed at my beloved Lucy, because she would not eat her food. I yelled at this face:
not my finer moment.

Guilty of BUI (Blogging under the influence)

Surgery Day was yesterday.

I had to get there at 10:45, one hour before surgery.  Surgery was at 11:45.  Naturally I didnt walk the plank to the OR until 12:50.  I was starving.

My sister knew the nursing staff, from her nursing job in the ER, so I think it helped me get some extra love.

Surgery was over around 2pm.  I remember hearing the nurses, waking up, breathing, Fuck this hurts, and quickly went into the hyperventilation cry.  I got an 3 extra shots of pain meds in my IV.  Which I appreciate.  My oxygen was low, and I was hooked up to oxygen. Because my sister is an ER nurse, I think that's why I just sat there in recovery for over an hour before they let her back.

They finally let her back and I was flying high.  I decided now was a perfect time to tell the nurse that my sister was the Nurse of the Year at the hospital, and that Im certain she would autograph her arm if she wanted.  It wasnt long before word spread and her friends came up and were congratulating her.  It was hilarious, and Im pretty sure she wanted to kill me.

 Everything was fine, then I had to get dressed.  I was so hot from all the blankets.  Then things went south quick. I started getting that Im going to puke sweat.  Then my sister tells... "not nurse of the year" that Im nauseous.  She says she will get me a a soda.  She hands me a can of soda, a package of cookies, tells my sister to get the car.  I get wheeled out in like 60 seconds with my soda and cookies in hand and Im about to puke.  After about an hour, the puke feeling wore off and I was feeling good. So good in fact that I couldnt believe it.  My husband got home and he couldnt believe it.  So far, there is no comparison between this surgery and the last one.  The last one was awful. As we near 24 hours past surgery, the pain is increasing, but I dont feel like death.  So I'll take it.

My RE told my sister I had two fibroids, some mild endo developed since my last surgery, and inside the ute... she was unable to see.  Unfortunately I was bleeding heavily at the time of surgery, so the ute looked like a shark bite through the camera, but she said she cleaned it all out so if there was anything there, it's gone now.

I'll be drugged up these next few days and I think I have moments of pure genius while I'm under the influence.  So enjoy yourself these next few days.

...Yes it goes on and on my friend

First, thank you all for your kind words. It really means a lot.  Love you ladies.  

You may recall me wondering if I needed another Lap/Hys surgery here  

The reason I was sort of hoping that they may find something was because last time I had my sono, prior to my surgery, they found one polyp.  Just one.  When they went in and did the surgery they found a ton of them.  They did not show up on the sono.  She was very surprised at what she found when she was in there.  She came out of the surgery and told my husband that had I never had this surgery, there is no way that I would have ever gotten pregnant.  She also said these polyps would return within six months. It's been over a year.

So my thought process during my last sono left me uncertain what to hope for.  If they find something, I will have the surgery, and maybe this will ensure I am good to go for the next transfer.  They found nothing.  Part of me was happy, because who really wants to have surgery.  

Fast forward to my WTF appointment.  The RE asked me if we wanted to go straight into another cycle.  I explained that yes, I do, but I have reservations.  I explained that given my history, and the fact that only one polyp showed up on the sono, then she found extensive polyps/endo during surgery and that I was concerned that there is something going on in there.  I also reminded her that at my baseline ultrasound they found a fibroid.  Also, they discovered that my deformed uterus is back.  (Does that actually grow back?  I swear I learn something new every single time I go to the RE).  

She took one minute, looked over my file, and said that she agrees with me 100%.  She said that in my case, I had extensive issues going on that were not detected, and she recommends moving forward with the lap/hys surgery again.  Due to issues with scheduling of the next cycle, I have surgery tomorrow.  This was not on my agenda for things to do.  I realize it's necessary, but I am not looking forward to it. 

Again, I feel like I want to throw a tantrum.  I know it's for the greater good, but I still don't want to do it.  Why couldn't this last FET have worked out and this have been done already? Why are we constantly choosing between crap and crap?  I look forward to the day when we have to make decisions about good things... like "Do you want liposuction or breast implants?"

I use my PTO on surgeries, IVF, and failed embryo transfers, because I secretly hate vacations and all things fun.

This is the song that never ends...

Sorry to drag this on. I have had the craziest week ever and did not have an archive for this one.

Week one after the transfer, I was so hopeful. Things looked good. For me to say good, i avtually believed this crap worked. By Sunday, I started cramping and I just knew this did not work. I started crying on Sunday. My husband caught me. I tried to shelter him from it unsuccessfully. After talking to a few people, I realized my RE does the beta (pregnancy test) way late. 14 days past transfer. I emailed them that I knew this didn't work, and they said I could come in for an early test. They scheduled the WTF appointment (why the fail appointment for those of you fortunate enough to not know what that means).I am so grateful that they took me seriously.

She asked me how soon I could come in for the beta... I said now. I went in, took the blood draw.

There's nothing like dreading that phone call. I really don't want to talk to the woman who is calling me, telling me in the most sympathetic way possible things that I already know. I knew I was not pregnant.

Even a hatching embryo is destined for death in this uterus.

She called using that "I'm sorry" voice and I told her... Yea, I already knew that. Not pregnant.

Seriously... This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS!

-special thanks to Erin @ http://erinvns.wordpress.com/ and Lisa @ http://hapahopes.blogspot.com/
I feel so lucky to have met you.