Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

First an update:  I had a scare this morning... blood on TP spotting and cramping, cue freak out.  I called the doctors office and they upped my progesterone injections.  Im really glad that I called.  Whatever will be will be, I just need to wait it out.  I havent tested yet... out of sheer terror. 

With that said...

Ugly Christmas Sweater Photo's- I'd post more photo's but I'm not sure how my loved ones would feel about starring in the blog.   So I'm limited.

The dessert spread:

The Cake

More of the dessert spread

I think the Balls really accentuate my FAT ASS!  (Another gift from infertility). 

These fancy pants have a sequin zipper

Sober Tree

Drunk Tree

My ugly sweater, those nasty kitties have real faux fur.  So gross.  Not long after this photo was taken, I was hugging the porcelain God.  Too much Rumchata.

The annual Christmas card... people wait for this all year round.  Lucy and Doc... the worst behaved dogs this side of the Mason-Dixon.

We wish you a Merry Christmas!

The wait is killing me.

I rarely have no words, but regarding our transfer it just doesn't feel that awesome writing about being hopeful and all that jazz on a day of such horror.  It's like September 11th, everyone will remember where they were that day, but I was in stirrups wishing for what had just been taken from those families.  I simply can not even begin to imagine their pain.

And with that...

This freaking wait is killing me.  I will say this.. cycling over the holidays is pretty amazing.  There is all of this stuff to keep busy.  To prevent me from googling if sneezing is in fact a pregnancy symptom.  It doesn't change the fact that I want it to be over, but it does make the time pass a little bit easier having so much other stuff to do.  

People say, I just have a feeling this is going to work.  Well they had that feeling the last two times too, and we all know how that played out.  So your track record is crap!  ;)  I get asked a lot how I feel.  I feel like a normal person.  There's nothing that I feel that couldn't be chalked up to the super dose of hormones.  If this were under normal circumstances... I feel exactly the same way anyone else would feel a week after ovulation.  NOTHING. Trust me, I wish there was a baby kicking... but it simply does not work that way.

Im pretty sure this worked.  We will have triplets.  We will never have to deal with this ever again.  Two girls one boy.  We will happily ever after (more lies as I try to trick myself into a pregnancy).

*Also add 90210 to the list of shows that are covering infertility topics where you least expect it (yes... I watch 90210, I told you I watch a lot of bad tv).

You can't escape infertility

Did you know that there are infertility references everywhere? Movies where you least expect it. In fact, I have the attention span of a fly and rarely watch movies. I prefer shows... 30 minutes or less. So why is it that every movie I watch has some reference... My husband and I just look at each other like REALLY?!?

*Beetlejuice
*The Watch
* A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas

Also, every freaking show I watch has some reference to it.

The infertility monster says...
YOU CAN RUN BUT CAN NOT HIDE!!!

Source (http://www.gremlins.com/garage/galleryView.jsp?buildupUid=190)

Unimaginable

During our transfer, As my husband and I hoped for a baby of our own, families were told the horrific news that their babies were no longer with them.

During our transfer, the staff was just finding out about this horrific act. How could anyone do such a thing?

Prayers don't seem enough during times like these.

Wish us luck

Feels weird saying that, but seriously... wish us luck... PLEASE!  :) 

First, I still have to update photo's from the party, but that involves me locating the attachment for the memory card in my camera.... Sooooooooo that may be a while.

My lining check on Friday went well.  I snuck in there just at the lower limit to proceed at 8.2mm  (holy crap... snuck isnt a word.  it's sneaked... I never knew sneaked is a word... DU-MASS right here).

This is sort of funny, because my last lining check was crazy high... like 18mm.  They gasped when they saw it and exclaimed that I was ready to go.  I believe this is because a good chunk of that was polyps.  Now I'm extremely glad I got all of that removed... even though I STILL HAVE A HOLE IN MY STOMACH! That's saying a lot. 

So we are all set for Friday.  With good embryos and a cleaned out ute we should be twinning in no time (said as I try really really hard to trick myself into a pregnancy).

Also... I started with progesterone injections and I believe I have developed a needle phobia.  I started crying like a 4 year old and it didn't even hurt.  The thing is that some of these needles don't hurt at all, and some of them feel like you are being shanked via a shiv. You never know which it's going to be... so you find yourself sitting there like... "NO WAMMY! NO WAMMY!  NO WAMMY!" So Im getting this anxiety before I even get a shot.  Why do FET cycles have to be so damn long?  It's 6 weeks of needles before pregnancy test. 

Since starting the progesterone, I actually am starting to feel a little bit better.  I have more energy and this morning I woke up without feeling like I was ran over by a dump truck.  Prior to progesterone, I could not complete the simplest of tasks without getting distracted/sidetracked/forgetting where I was or how I got there.  Like a real life alien invasion, except it wasn't aliens, it was Lupron.  It truly got so bad that driving a vehicle was probably not a good idea. I was a complete mess.  I have ADD and it was like if ADD had ADD.  Not cool.

Update on my boss... who I really really really really DO NOT LIKE.  We get a bonus, yesterday he told some people the amount but didnt tell me.  This morning, he calls me in and informs me that he "accidentally" gave me a smaller bonus than I earned.  My boss's boss caught it.  I am the only one that this happened to.  I cant help but feel like this was no accident.  I think he thought he was pulling a fast one and got caught.  He said it was an error from the drop box and he accidentally selected the wrong amount.  He then tells me that he "realizes this looks suspicious like it was done intentional."  Now HR had to get involved to fix it, and he looks like a bigger jerk.  Let's face it.. he doesn't look like a jerk, he is in fact, an actual jerk.

Oh well, by this time next Friday I will be P.U.P.O. with twins (again, I'm lying to myself).

I almost forgot!  Thanks for all the uterine scraping information.  RE says that my ute is scraped out plenty from the surgery.  

 

What do you know about uterine scraping?

Any of you ladies have any experience with uterine scraping prior to transfer?  Success?

I attached a link to an article.  I have never had any experience with this, and given the fact that this is kind of it, Im suggesting it to the clinic.

link

Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Hormonal Ramblings

All over the place with ramblings and such.

Okay folks, I have my lining check on Friday.  That means we are less than two weeks from embryo transfer.  Holy Cow.  This cycle has made me beyond exhausted.  However, other than that I really try to pretend it’s just another day.  Nothing major is happening.  La Te Da.  You know, when all of this madness has lost all of it’s luster.  You for sure know that this doesn’t have to work, in fact you habitually fall on the wrong side of statistics.  There is that little bastard called hope.  Of course I hope this works out.  I hope that this is done and over with because right now we are stuck.  Stuck in this place where we hope for a future that’s different than the path we are on.  Stuck here in the in between.  I can not do this anymore.  So, I think it’s game over if this doesn’t work.  We start planning for the child free future. 

For those of you that know us in real life... list all grievances now.  After next Friday (consider yourself warned) we do not need any additional unpleasantries.  Our life is unpleasant enough.  So please get this out now.  It seems like every cycle people come out of the wood work during the two week wait.  This cycle, I have to be selfish.  I have to say this.  Usually, I'm the type of person that would drop anything for anyone.  Not now.  I have to do this for us.  We have a lot riding on this.  A cross roads of sorts for how our life is going to play out.  I can not look back on this next cycle and know I put someone else's needs in front of our own.  Should you want to help, come over sometime during that wait and keep me from peeing on sticks like a psychopath because should I see one negative test, I will die.  

Also, all you kind people who have volunteered your uterus. We’re coming after you should this not work.  Get ready.  Start taking your vitamins.  I kid.  I kid.  (Not really).  

Our life resembles a circus.  We have been very open about all of this.  Let me vent… Do you ever come across people that act like they want to be there for you, but it just seems that they really just want front row seats to the circus?  Relationships are based on a two way street.  My pet peeve is people that want to advise you on your life problems, yet never want to share their own.  We all have problems.  However it’s the ones that want you to confess your darkest moments while they sit there acting like everything is just peaches in their own.  Ummm… I can see that your life is also in shambles… so if I need to talk to someone, I have a counselor for that.  I don’t like one sided relationships.  It’s less about developing a relationship and more about making the other person feel like they have a purpose.    Don’t do that at my expense… go get a hobby.

Can you tell Im all hopped up on bitter hormones?

I ran over a squirrel yesterday in my work parking lot, and had to drive past the kill for lunch and returning from lunch.  Uff… I wanted to cry.  I just want a regular day where nothing ridiculous happens.  Last Thursday our heater leaked water everywhere.  It was in the basement and THANK GOD I caught it right before it leaked from the unfinished side to the finished side.  

Update on the hole:  It’s getting a lot better.  It’s still there, but closing up.  I’ve been putting Vitamin E on it, and that has helped me sooooooo much.

On Saturday we are having an ugly Christmas Sweater Party.  Woot Woot!  I am so excited about this.  I need something to divert my attention from my real life.  Our house looks like the freaking North Pole.  We have two trees this year.  Im calling one tree the drunk tree and the other tree the sober tree.  The basement “drunk” tree is filled with beach ornaments… Santa at the beach, pink flamingos, Hawaiian lei lights.  It’s awesome.  This year is the first year we have a traditional tree, AKA “sober tree”.  I’ll put pictures of everything some time this weekend.  I got a cake that looks like an ugly sweater.  I am attempting to fill my yard with those blow up things, which I really hate.  I want like 10 of them, and unfortunately I can only find 3 without buying them… so I think I have to scratch the idea. Booo.  I was imagining everyones face when they pulled up to “that house”. 

You have died of dysentery!

I simply could not make this stuff up if I tried… and because of this… I know that “The Secret”  That asinine book I’ve been reading is totally full of it.  

So on Thursday, AKA Thanksgiving Day, my husband cooked the turkey.  It’s his thing, he loves to do it, I don’t… and that’s that.  He started cooking the turkey early in the morning.  Around 3:00pm I notice that the light in the oven is off.  

Note: at this time the turkey temperature is 160*’s and it needs to get to 160*.  

I look up to turn the stove light on, and the whole display panel is off… indicating that the power is out.  Initially I thought we blew a fuse.  I ran to the fuse box… we did not blow a fuse.  The oven, just the oven, as the stove top still was working called it quits. 

I believe it belted out something to the effect of… “and Im spent!!!!!!!!!”

All of our sides were cooked/warmed on the grill…. Along with the pumpkin bread pudding I had prepped for dessert.  

You know, because life simply has been too easy on us.  Now lets add this to the mix.  

Dinner was a success, although the universe is truly trying to sabotage me. ( I stick two middle fingers up to the sky!!!! Take that sucka’s!!!!!!)

We ended up going and getting a new stove on Sunday evening.  The sales guy laughed while he informed us that we got to Sears exactly one hour before the sale ended.  

Im not quite sure whether I am winning or losing these days. 

I still have a giant hole in my stomach.  The pictures don’t do it much justice.  I am about 5 weeks past surgery. This is insanity.  The doctors don’t seem to care that there is a HOLE IN MY STOMACH!  I kind of liked my stomach sans hole.

This Lupron is sucking the freaking life out of me.  Actually, I am not sure if it’s the Lurpon or this fucking “journey” that is sucking the life out of me.  I feel like I am in the video game The Oregon Trail.  This FET had better work, if not… I do not have it in me to do this again.   I think if it doesn’t work, it’s game over.  

source

PS.  I DVR those shows... Dateline mysteries.  The most recent one that recorded.... 

The guy who helped write The Secret, or develop the philosophy was the same guy that accidentally killed the people in the sweat lodge in Arizona.  According to the principles of  The Secret, he is a murderer.  I did not know this.   

November ICLW.

It's been a while since I have participated.  So welcome! 

For those of you new here, it's probably best that you just pop over to the timeline.  I'll try to sum up our journey, it's very uplifting... Im messed up, hubs is messed up, I have lap/hys, he has surgery, straight to IVF, IVF=FAIL, do not respond to stimulation, donor embryo... First FET with donor embryos=Fail, laproscopy surgery again, allergic to glue, currently in the beginning of FET cycle number two with donor embryos. 

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for two years now.  This journey does end for some people right?  It's been long and tiresome. 

Should anyone have questions regarding donor embryo, or anything else, feel free to email me.

I am starting FET cycle number two, these are long and boring cycles. Six weeks long beginning to end. I'm currently injecting with Lupron and I start estrace on Friday. I had my baseline check today, all was well... YAY!  I have a lining check in 2 weeks. 

Now a brief story that is not made up, this actually happened:

I was driving to a doctors appointment, quite proud of myself because I wasnt running late.  Suddenly flashing lights from behind.  The officer informs me that I didnt "roll through a stop sign, but I didnt exactly come to a complete stop".  What is that?!?  So he asks for the usual, license, insurance and registration.  Of course, the only insurance card I can find is expired.  So he goes back to his car and does whatever they do.  He comes back... now I can see that I am going to get a ticket.  I had to name drop my husbands cousins name because she is his boss to get out of it (shameful I know).  The guy starts huffing and puffing.  He says he is still giving me a ticket for the insurance, but I can dispute it.  I said fine.  Then he says the craziest thing... he cant let me drive without insurance.  He informs me he is going to escort me home.  I assume he means to find an insurance card.  So here I am getting followed home by a cop.  Then I get in the driveway and he's like... are you okay?  uhhh... am I okay he's the one with the problem. Then he drives off.  Now I feel like this is a trap.  Am I not allowed to leave my house until I find an insurance card?  So I call the insurance company, in Delaware, it's illegal to email a copy of the insurance card... WTH. I was finally able to print something out so I wasnt riding dirty.  I was scared it was a trap, like he was sitting at the end of  my road.  The cops name: Officer McCracken (true story).  Officer McCracken has a real boner for the law.

tryin to catch me riding dirty.

Anyway, I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!

The Secret.

Desperation will make you do a lot of things you wouldn't normally do.  In desperation, I recently started reading "The Secret". 

So get this, the secret is that anything bad that has happened to you... you did it to yourself, yea it really says that.  You secretly asked the universe for this.  I really do not recall asking the universe FOR THIS!  However, in desperation, I will run with this idea... because I will be one to admit... my current way of thinking is not really working out for me. 

So apparently when we all hoped we weren't infertile, the universe heard "infertile" and ran with it... wish granted.  I think there was a slight misunderstanding between me and the universe.  What I'm getting from this book is that if you lie to yourself and pretend... whatever it is that you want is going to happen... it happens.  I am fairly certain there is a clinical term for this called DENIAL, but whatever. 

The book seriously says to pretend your bills are checks and be grateful for them.... then bam!  The universe grants you with cash.  MAGIC! 

SERIOUSLY!  IF I ONLY KNEW THE SECRET YEARS AGO. 

So with that said, I have received lots of checks in the mail.  I also lost 50 pounds.  I am currently the proud parent to healthy triplets (making up for lost time here).  My beach house is freaking amazing.  My life is amazing! You are all jealous of me!  Tomorrow we are going to the gala.

I strongly recommend the read if for nothing else, entertainment purposes.  We will all have our wishes granted! 

I really have to do anything and everything to turn this around.  Right now... I have the foulest attitude known to man.  I have contemplated quiting this cycle. My head just isnt right this time around. 

Do you have a song that you hear and it really helps to get your head back in the infertility game? A pep talk of sorts...

For me, it is Florence and the Machine "Shake it out" video  

I think I hear this song when I really really need it the most. Do you ladies have a song?  Because right now.. I need to create a playlist.

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

 

Thanksgiving=meltdown.

I've been trying to "do well"  but I am not.  I am so sick and tired of everything being so damn difficult.  Everything.  As we approach the fictitious due date of the failure IVF... I approach flipping out. 

Due date would have been Thanksgiving day.  Oh there would have been so much to be thankful for.  It was going to be glorious.  Well that isnt the case and in fact, my life is in fucking shambles.   We have since bought embryos online, had a failed FET, a surgery... I have a fucking hole in my stomach.  A hole.  Today my co worker (we're close and track it's progress daily because were bff's) asked me when that hole was going to heal up.  I had hoped by 3 weeks it would be healed... but its not... still a gaping hole in my stomach. The welt is going away though. The itch is going away. 

 

The picture doesnt give the hole much justice because i had just packed it with ointment.  But as you can see the welt is going away. 

 

It's these standout "holidays" that sting the worse.. You'd like to look back and realize how far you have come, but instead you look back and find out you are still stuck in the same same spot with more battle scars... both physical and emotional.

 

 

Today a doctor who is aware that we were doing because he tried to give me some steroids the day of a transfer told me unsolicited... as in we were not talking about my effed up life that my life should be a lifetime network movie.  I laughed because it's true... but Im not really in the mood for this. 

 

Im averaging a daily cry at my desk at work.  Im not really a crier.   My patience is wearing thin.  This situation is getting on my freaking nerves.  Im sick of doctors office visits, needles, being probed, nothing going according to plan... nothing at all.  We are tired of this garbage.... tired!   I dont know how some of you ladies do this shit for 2 plus years.  I really do not know.

 

I feel like Im living in a dirty tampon commercial, if they had those. 

 

This, however, did make me happy.  I was watching Blackout (the show where people guess stuff in the dark).  I told you I watch bad TV... but this was hilarious.  They were smelling items and had to guess... dirty socks, fish, and then this....  

 

 

The answer was butt.  He is sniffing in someone's ass.  Suddenly all was right with the world.

 

 



Every day we are cycling....

Sung to Party Rock and you have yourself a catchy little tune. That's what this feels like.  Now where are those dancing hamsters?


So we started this next cycle.  Doping began last night.  I expect this to be relatively uneventful because FET cycles are so long, and boring.... totaling about 6 weeks.  No follicles to admire. Nada.  Plus at this point, it's our third transfer. We are sort of experts now... and after this, we will have sampled all of the RE's at our clinic and be able to make a recommendation to any patients based on what they need.  (I wish there was a sarcastic smiley face).  I can think of nothing better than being those straggler patients that dont get knocked up and ruin the clinics statistics.  That's us.

On that note.... I leave you with this:

Last cycle, there was an injury during a doping session.  Im questioning whether it was an accident, my husband has threatened me on numerous occasions with the progesterone needle (in jest... so he says). So I had just got my shot and my husband was rubbing the oil in my arse.  Romantic right?

I reached back... and this happened.

The needle went through my finger and punctured my other finger.  It didnt actually hurt that bad, but when I saw it I thought I was going to vomit. 

Update: Another PSA... to save you money.

The endometriosis scam of 2012 did not work... wah!

But I am in need of some good baby Karma and thought I would pass this along.

Lupron out of pocket prices at the pharmacy recommended by the RE 535.92/vial.  I need two.

At another pharmacy: 857/vial

At Caremark: 198/vial... I will take two please. Oh whats that... they even throw in complimentary alcohol wipes and biohazard containers... Yes please!

Should you need meds... I'd highly recommend calling Caremark at 1-877-408-9742 option number 1

Anyone else have any tips/ steals on meds? 

Update: My Re office called me... the original pharmacy that quoted 535 also makes their own formulation of the drug.  This version has to be refridgerated (who cares) and costs 89/vial out of pocket.  I asked if they deliver to anyone and she said anyone with a prescription to Lurpon can get it.  It's at Rosemont pharmacy 1-610-525-0927.  They fedex all orders next day.... so no worries if you arent in the PA area.


So after 45 minutes of being on hold and a whole lot of time being pissed off  I canceled my previous order and ordered through the original company.  This is all so insane to me.  I hope this helps someone.

Calgon take me away

I am in such a bad mood.  A bad mood doesn’t even begin to put a dent in it.  A colossal foul mood.  Throw a temper tantrum… while sitting at my desk… crying all by myself bad mood.

Yesterday, I went back to the RE because my stomach still looks like this 2 weeks post surgery.  For two freaking weeks I have had an itch that can only be equated to that of a yeast infection on my entire stomach.  For two weeks I have wanted to crawl out of my skin.  The steroids initially helped, but once I was down to 3 pills in the pack, it came back with vengeance.  I officially look like I have syphilis…. Actually I wish I had syphilis because I’ve heard that is easily treatable.  This on the other hand is some crazy thing never seen or treated before.

Yesterday, I went to the RE and you know… it’s like talking to your grandma with dementia… to everyone.  What’s wrong?  Start all over. Explain everything all over again, only for her to go get a nurse… where we rinse and repeat. Only for her to get a doctor where we rinse and repeat.  Only for him to tell me that they specialize in vagina’s not rash’s… NO SHIT! And to have him forward me to a dermatologist. 

Go wait in the waiting room while we try to schedule you at the dermatologist. 

Okay…. Tick tick tick tick…

Okay… we have an appointment for you at 5:10pm at the dermatologist.

Go back to work.

Leave to go to that appointment.  Right when I get on the interstate ramp… the windshield wiper blade popped off of the wiper.  There is a nor’easter and now Im stuck on the interstate behind a tractor trailer with no wiper on the driver side.  I cant leave the wiper on because the metal is scratching the glass, and the wiper is hanging on by a thread and I don’t want to lose it on the interstate.  I get off the interstate, fix it in the pouring rain. Happy to be alive.

Get to the dermatologists office.   Fill out all 900 pages of that paperwork.   Get called in and have to talk to the nurse.  I tell her everything.  Again, she calls for back up.  Rinse repeat.  I think you are allergic to the antibiotic.  This rash is everywhere. 

No, I am not allergic to the antibiotic.  I had the rash before I took that.  Well I think you have an infection.  No you have cellulitis.  You have idding (whatever the hell that is).  No You have an infection and cellulitis.  I have no idea what I actually left with being diagnosed as having, but I did leave with them calling in two prescriptions for a steroid cream and an antibiotic cream.  

At this point, I do not feel like waiting at the pharmacy.  I just want to go home.  I call my husband and ask him to pick up the prescription.  It should be ready by the time he gets there. 

Well it wasn’t.  In fact they didn’t even have the script.  So he’s calling me  and I’m calling the dr’s office which is now after hours so Im getting the message service.  Then he calls me and tells me that they only have one script.  I just knew it is going to be the antibiotic… the one I don’t really really need!  Husband asks the pharmacist which script do they have… naturally the antibiotic.  Im calling the after hours number again.  Then they found the script, then oh wait they didn’t, then they really did find it.

Are you freaking kidding me right now with all of this?  

Finally, husband gets home and I get a shower because I am about to crawl out of my skin.  So the creams are applied and things are looking better. Lets not get ahead of ourselves there is still plenty of time for shit to hit the fan.

Suddenly it dawns on me that I ordered all of the meds except Lupron and I need to start taking that on Sunday.  So after much fuss dealing with my new prescription coverage last week with this, I decided to follow up with them to see what was going on.  Its with Caremark for those of you that may have had to deal with them.  They were supposed to call me back on Monday with a plan. Today I find out that I have a person assigned to me and she will call me back.  Well can you please tell me why I have to call her?  Why after 6 days of having the prescription has she not contacted me?  So Im slightly agitated.  I leave her the voicemail.  She calls back while Im on the phone with the other pharmacy trying to get a back up plan in place.  Then I call her back.  She tells me that I do not have prescription coverage on infertility drugs.  Yea I knew that, but after three cycles of this… I am a professional scam artist.  So I reply… well it’s not for infertility, it’s for the treatment of endometriosis. After I said that, she was stumped and said she would talk to the department that approves it and see if it is covered.  So that is still out there, fingers crossed that gets approved through insurance.

On top of that… it’s been one of those days at work where people are asking you random questions before you even get to your desk.  You know those days where other people don’t do their job, and it becomes your problem.  I don’t feel good, I’m tired, I’m itchy and the world is annoying me.

This seems like it has easily become a full time job again.  I need an assistant.

I need a sign.

I went back to work today.  After spending a half day here, I can honestly say it's a toss up as to which I would rather have... hives or be at work?

Uff... I really need to get my life in order, but then again... that's sort of a joke.

The universe has a funny way of poo pooíng any plans I make. 

I think I need a sign... because right now the universe is telling me I should live under an overpass and pick up a drug habit.

You?  Any life plans? 

Infertility ruins everything

Every year we go to Punkin Chunkin... beer, pumpkin flavored funnel cake, and pumpkins getting flung a mile in the air.  To us nerds, there is nothing better.  If you have never heard of it, look it up, it is insane. 

http://www.punkinchunkin.com/

This year, because of surgical complications, Im sitting on my couch instead. 

Waaaaah!  Infertility ruins everything!

If you live in the area, it's highly reccomended.  Oh well, maybe next year.

Liebster Award

D at My Life is about the Journey     was so kind as to nominate me for an award.... it's a major award!  I cant even believe people read this.  More importantly, I am so happy to have found others going through some similar situations that understand. 

So here's how this goes... I answer her 11 questions and then I nominate my favorite bloggers and get them to answer 11 of my questions.

So here goes nothing:

1.  Skiing vacation or beach vacation?  Which is your idea of how to spend a relaxing day?
      I have a long list of irrational fears... one of them is killing a child while skiing down the bunny
     slope.  So I prefer the beach.  My idea of a relaxing day would be at the beach in the Caribbean
     somewhere.  Sitting next to my husband with a drink in hand.

2.  Coffee or tea?
     Well that depends on the temperature of the drink.  If cold, I prefer tea... If hot, coffee.  The
     thought of iced coffee turns my stomach. It's not something I have ever tried, nor do I ever intend     to.  Siiiiiiiiiiick... cold coffee.... shivers.

3.  Do you have any pets?  If so, what kinds?
     I have two dogs, Doc and Lucy.  Doc is a yellow lab, and Lucy is a Weimaraner.
     Here's a video I took during the hurricane to showcase some of their antics.  The flash, is Lucy. 
     She had cabin fever.

4.  Do you have any siblings?  If so, how many?  Are you close to them?
     I have a brother and a sister.  Honestly, I hate their guts.  Just kidding!  I am the oldest, then My
     sister-nurse of the year and my baby brother (he will always be my baby brother) he is a bar
     tender and I love that he makes me drinks.

5.  iPhone, BlackBerry, Droid, or other cell phone?  Iphone.  Why use anything else?

6.  What is your favorite type of cuisine (i.e. Italian, Chinese, etc.)?  Italian.... I heart carbs!

7.  What is the biggest part of your life that IF or PL has affected?
     Well in an attempt to be more positive, I will start out with this.  I have a pretty amazing marriage
     because of it.

     It has taken over everything... finances, friendships, work.  This shit sucks.
     
8.  Do you have a lot of good friends or a few great friends?
     I'd prefer to have a few great friends. 

9.  If you could meet one famous person (dead or alive) who would it be and why?
     Im going to own something pretty major here.... BRITNEY SPEARS pre shaved head.  I am a dork.

10.  What is your favorite Halloween candy?
       I love candy corn. 

11.  If you could have one wish (except for more wishes, haha) what would it be?
       For my husband to be a father.  I really can not imagine a more deserving person.  Obviously I
       would not like to see him become a father due to a sordid affair.  Although given his SA, I don't
       think I need to worry about that... hahaha... I crack myself up.  Love him.  I think I read in the
       infertility handbook that if you are both messed up, it's perfectly acceptable to make fun of each
       other

So here's where I come up with 11 of my own questions.... uff.  I should probably tell you I am not having a particularly great day.  I am day drinking, by myself, on steroids post allergic reaction... did I just paint a vivid picture of where I am at right now?

1.  What is your most embarrassing obsession (example: Me=Britney Spears)?
2.  Do you like dogs?  Do you have pets?

http://media-cache-lt0.pinterest.com/upload/64246732154311371_lBOksecX.jpg
3.  What are you most Thankful for this year?
4.  Seriously, how fucking bad does infertility suck?
5. Sometimes people say they would not wish infertility on their worst enemy... I'm not sure I fall into that category because I am a jerk... What is your stance on that?  Im sure you are all better people than I am.
6.  What is your favorite dessert? 
7.  What is your most embarrassing moment?   Mine was when I walked into a street light in Philly and my head made  a noise so loud that people across the street were laughing.  I cant blame them, I would have died if I saw that.
8.  Besides fertility treatments, what would you do if you won the lotto... bigtime?
9.  If I were to tell you to just relax you will get pregnant what horrible things are you doing to me in your mind?
10.  Wine or Beer?  I prefer wine, not because Im sophisticated, but because it packs a punch.
11.  If money were of no big thang, where would you move?

So here's my list:
1. Erin @ http://erinvns.wordpress.com/
2.  Lisa @ http://hapahopes.blogspot.com/
3. Janet @ http://janetoffkilter.blogspot.com
4. Stupid Stork @ stupidstork.blogspot.com

Im way too into my drink to cut and paste more links into my blog.  Melt down continues....

Public Service Announcement

This is a PSA:  Apparently you can be allergic to the surgical glue dermabond, and when you are... it looks like this:

 I think this picture is upside down

I normally would not post such pictures of my lard, but seriously.... seriously!  I have been popping 2 benedryl every 2-3 hours because it just itches that bad!  There are two more incisions that look like this but those are near my lady bits and I believe it is illegal to post in 29 of 50 states. I'll spare you the details.

Today I had what was supposed to be my check up from surgery, this was with my real doctor.... whew.  She took one look at it and said this is a severe allergic reaction to dermabond glue.  Last time you had this surgery we didn't use this.  I can tell because we didn't use it on you belly button, and you don't have a reaction there. She said that I likely have a secondary infection because everything is so inflamed and nasty (paraphrased). 

She gave me steroids and said this should clear things up.  Crisis averted.  I can not wait for this to kick in.  Oh my God... please stop this itching! 

Surgery summary:  she's really glad we did the surgery because the pathology came back and I did have polyps in my ute.  At the time of surgery, she couldn't really see.  So this makes me feel better. 
The old ute is fresh and clean.  We scheduled the next cycle.  Meds start 11/11... and so here we go... on to the next one. 

The shock, the horror!!

Sooo.... Everything was going great! Better than I could have ever expected. Quite wonderful actually.

Then on Monday,I developed an itchy welt around an incision site. Itchy doesn't begin to describe the itch!

Then I started feeling a little funny. Very tired.

Then I developed this pain. If I roll over in my sleep, it's the kind of pain you have nightmares about. I wake up screaming. It feels like my skin or an organ is ripping or tearing. So much so that I make my husband look at it because I'm certain there's blood. Luckily it goes away pretty fast, and I've pinpointed the movement that causes the pain, so I avoid that at all costs.

Monday and Tuesday we got the hurricane. Since it really didn't look like an infection... No noticeable pain other than the one linked to movement, no fever (I seriously never ever ever get a fever.... If I do it's like 99.1), and my biggest complaint was an itch... I did not know it was serious. I also didn't have many options because of the hurricane... Everything was closed. I did call the office Tuesday, but obviously I didn't get a return call.

So this morning, I woke up to that horrible pain, screaming. It seemed like it was just getting worse and worse. So I called and got an appointment at 10 am.

Luckily for me, it must have been pregnant people day.

The nurse took my blood pressure 140/60 and asked if that was normal for me... NO! I'm normally 120/80. Then she asked me what was wrong. I started telling her. She then asked that I list my biggest complaint... Obviously it's this pain. I could tell that she was starting to dismiss everything. I explained that this surgery was nothing in comparison to my last one. Finally I just lifted my shirt and shared exactly what was going on... Really let's cut to the chase here!!! Why don't you look at it?!?!?

So she leaves immediately and gets another nurse. Now there are two... The new nurse looks at it, she goes and gets a nurse practitioner who comes in and looks like she is watching the Hindenburg accident as its playing live on my stomach... THE SHOCK! THE HORROR! All 3 of them just sat there staring in disgust.

At this point I kind of start freaking out. The nurse practitioner just said this is bad, look how it's spreading. I told her i can tell from the look on her face. So then they go to get the doctor. Now I have 2 nurses, one Nurse practitioner, and a doctor looking at my stomach in disgust.

Then he said the following... I don't think I need to open you back up right now.

WAIT... WTF?!? WHAT!!!! Cue internal freak out now.

I have an infection. I'm on antibiotics And I have to get monitored very closely to see if I respond to the antibiotics. They have drawn all over my stomach and I guess are waiting to see if the spots go down. my next appointment is tomorrow. I'm hoping the antibiotics work!!

I'm doing okay, just really really tired.

off balance

Every relationship needs balance.  A little ying and a little yang. 

In our relationship, I am the one that freaks out.  I am the one with the disaster kit ready for nuclear warfare. 

Well our balance is off.  I have been high on pain meds since Wednesday.  I knew there was a hurricane coming.  I sent my husband off to the grocery store to get cupcake supplies... that should have been his sign to step the hell up.  It wasn't.  '

Tonight we were watching the news, and the news kept saying this historical event.  I said I don't get it, what is so historical about it.  To which he informs me that it is the second largest hurricane of all time... or something to that effect. 

cue freak out.

This is what I get for making fun of the Amish.  We lose power all of the time. Ive been running around the house filling up Tupperware with ice, empty water bottles with water, I vacuumed because I don't want to sit in my filth for days on end.   

We are all going to die, the end is near... frankenstorm... you sneaky little bastard!

I'll likely be living in Amish paradise for a bit! 

Dont think less of me, but

I have a confession to make... I make poor tv choices. 

There, I said it. 

I generally don't  watch new tv series because every show I like gets canceled (this should be my sign)

In my spare time, I don't like to learn, Im not trying to pick up new hobbies,   I'm terribly busy watching reality tv. 

1.  Breaking Amish:  I live in Delaware, about an hour away from Lancaster.  After watching this show, I really don't know if I can ever go to Amish Country again.  Im disturbed.  I am as horrified as if I were really watching Children of the Corn.  They pull their adult teeth out of children.  The highest grade of school they attend is 8th grade.  Most quit before that.  There is a couple on the show that are dating.  They make me feel like I am watching weird colonial pornography. 

2.  Long Island Medium:  This woman is amazeballs.  Im thinking about hanging out at local diners in hopes that I bump into her, so that she tells me some kind of message from the other side. Please help me make sense of this ridiculous life journey that I am on. 

3. Kardashians:  GUILTY.  That's all I am going to say.

4.  Honey Boo Boo:  I am in love, but then again, I think that kids that cuss are awesome ( I seriously can not imagine why the universe has decided that we should not have children).

5.  Giuliana and Bill:  I think I only watch this show because Im waiting for Giuliana to punch Bill in the face the next time he says..."this isn't my first rodeo."  Seriously Bill, the infinite wisdom that you gained from Trump is unfounded. STFU!

6.  Moonshiners:  I love Tickle.  He really put his life on the line to make moonshine.  I appreciate his dedication.  When he fell down and broke his ribs because he was drunk while making moonshine.  He took it like a man.  When he said..."the cause and the remedy were one of the same"  as he tipped back his glass of moonshine, a little piece of me fell in love.  My hero.

7.  Real Housewives: any season, all of tbem, all year, all the time.... I like all of the crazy characters too... like Ramona, Nene , Sonja... lets just say I like the unstable ones.  I enjoy the drinking games on Watch What happens live.  I love me some Andy Cohen. 

8 Ghost Hunters:  This is actually my husbands guilty pleasure, but I secretly enjoy it too.  My husband has a habit of coming home with the most ridiculous gifts for his beloved.  You should have seen his face when he gave me my TAPS sweatshirt.

9.  Im pretty sure it is safe to assume, if there is a show that makes people think... who would watch that crap... the answer is me. 

Hormones don't make me crazy... Riiight

A look back at all of the crazy things I did while under the influence of hormones:

1. Someone told me turtles are a symbol of fertility. I purchased this:

Link to etsy shop

I'm obsessed with mermaids right now, the name of the store. So that combined with the pineapple colored stones... Clearly a sign from mother earth.

Under normal circumstances I dont believe in This shit, but desparate times call for desparate measures. So I took my cross off and have been rocking the turtle. If you see something wrong with this, you aren't alone. Last time I rocked my cross, I rocked the st gerard pins. We all know how that worked out. I'm now taking chances on turtles. 

2.  Have you ever seen "dude where's my car?" the scene at the drive thru.. "and den" "no and den"! 

I had a similar conversation with my RE's office where I collectively lost my shit. The woman on the phone kept saying OKAAAAAY! And I kept alternating between NO NOT OKAAAAAAY!  NOT OKAY, okay!! Over and over and over again.  

3.  I sent an email to Good Morning America because I did not like the way Josh seems to bully Sam Champion on a daily basis. Yes, this really happened. 

I told my husband later that night, "I emailed GMA this morning". To which he replied, "I was just about to say you were doing really good on these hormones."

4.  I screamed at my beloved Lucy, because she would not eat her food. I yelled at this face:
not my finer moment.

Guilty of BUI (Blogging under the influence)

Surgery Day was yesterday.

I had to get there at 10:45, one hour before surgery.  Surgery was at 11:45.  Naturally I didnt walk the plank to the OR until 12:50.  I was starving.

My sister knew the nursing staff, from her nursing job in the ER, so I think it helped me get some extra love.

Surgery was over around 2pm.  I remember hearing the nurses, waking up, breathing, Fuck this hurts, and quickly went into the hyperventilation cry.  I got an 3 extra shots of pain meds in my IV.  Which I appreciate.  My oxygen was low, and I was hooked up to oxygen. Because my sister is an ER nurse, I think that's why I just sat there in recovery for over an hour before they let her back.

They finally let her back and I was flying high.  I decided now was a perfect time to tell the nurse that my sister was the Nurse of the Year at the hospital, and that Im certain she would autograph her arm if she wanted.  It wasnt long before word spread and her friends came up and were congratulating her.  It was hilarious, and Im pretty sure she wanted to kill me.

 Everything was fine, then I had to get dressed.  I was so hot from all the blankets.  Then things went south quick. I started getting that Im going to puke sweat.  Then my sister tells... "not nurse of the year" that Im nauseous.  She says she will get me a a soda.  She hands me a can of soda, a package of cookies, tells my sister to get the car.  I get wheeled out in like 60 seconds with my soda and cookies in hand and Im about to puke.  After about an hour, the puke feeling wore off and I was feeling good. So good in fact that I couldnt believe it.  My husband got home and he couldnt believe it.  So far, there is no comparison between this surgery and the last one.  The last one was awful. As we near 24 hours past surgery, the pain is increasing, but I dont feel like death.  So I'll take it.

My RE told my sister I had two fibroids, some mild endo developed since my last surgery, and inside the ute... she was unable to see.  Unfortunately I was bleeding heavily at the time of surgery, so the ute looked like a shark bite through the camera, but she said she cleaned it all out so if there was anything there, it's gone now.

I'll be drugged up these next few days and I think I have moments of pure genius while I'm under the influence.  So enjoy yourself these next few days.

...Yes it goes on and on my friend

First, thank you all for your kind words. It really means a lot.  Love you ladies.  

You may recall me wondering if I needed another Lap/Hys surgery here  

The reason I was sort of hoping that they may find something was because last time I had my sono, prior to my surgery, they found one polyp.  Just one.  When they went in and did the surgery they found a ton of them.  They did not show up on the sono.  She was very surprised at what she found when she was in there.  She came out of the surgery and told my husband that had I never had this surgery, there is no way that I would have ever gotten pregnant.  She also said these polyps would return within six months. It's been over a year.

So my thought process during my last sono left me uncertain what to hope for.  If they find something, I will have the surgery, and maybe this will ensure I am good to go for the next transfer.  They found nothing.  Part of me was happy, because who really wants to have surgery.  

Fast forward to my WTF appointment.  The RE asked me if we wanted to go straight into another cycle.  I explained that yes, I do, but I have reservations.  I explained that given my history, and the fact that only one polyp showed up on the sono, then she found extensive polyps/endo during surgery and that I was concerned that there is something going on in there.  I also reminded her that at my baseline ultrasound they found a fibroid.  Also, they discovered that my deformed uterus is back.  (Does that actually grow back?  I swear I learn something new every single time I go to the RE).  

She took one minute, looked over my file, and said that she agrees with me 100%.  She said that in my case, I had extensive issues going on that were not detected, and she recommends moving forward with the lap/hys surgery again.  Due to issues with scheduling of the next cycle, I have surgery tomorrow.  This was not on my agenda for things to do.  I realize it's necessary, but I am not looking forward to it. 

Again, I feel like I want to throw a tantrum.  I know it's for the greater good, but I still don't want to do it.  Why couldn't this last FET have worked out and this have been done already? Why are we constantly choosing between crap and crap?  I look forward to the day when we have to make decisions about good things... like "Do you want liposuction or breast implants?"

I use my PTO on surgeries, IVF, and failed embryo transfers, because I secretly hate vacations and all things fun.

This is the song that never ends...

Sorry to drag this on. I have had the craziest week ever and did not have an archive for this one.

Week one after the transfer, I was so hopeful. Things looked good. For me to say good, i avtually believed this crap worked. By Sunday, I started cramping and I just knew this did not work. I started crying on Sunday. My husband caught me. I tried to shelter him from it unsuccessfully. After talking to a few people, I realized my RE does the beta (pregnancy test) way late. 14 days past transfer. I emailed them that I knew this didn't work, and they said I could come in for an early test. They scheduled the WTF appointment (why the fail appointment for those of you fortunate enough to not know what that means).I am so grateful that they took me seriously.

She asked me how soon I could come in for the beta... I said now. I went in, took the blood draw.

There's nothing like dreading that phone call. I really don't want to talk to the woman who is calling me, telling me in the most sympathetic way possible things that I already know. I knew I was not pregnant.

Even a hatching embryo is destined for death in this uterus.

She called using that "I'm sorry" voice and I told her... Yea, I already knew that. Not pregnant.

Seriously... This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS!

-special thanks to Erin @ http://erinvns.wordpress.com/ and Lisa @ http://hapahopes.blogspot.com/
I feel so lucky to have met you.

Frozen Hope

If you dont know, embryo transfers are done on a full bladder. When your bladder is full it straightens out the uterus allowing the doctor to shoot the embryo straight into the uterus.

It would be hard to discuss this transfer with out flashing back to my last one. During my mock transfer I was advised to drink more water than 32 ounces because my bladder wasn't full enough. So for the real transfer I complied. When I got to the office, I had to pee pretty bad. After sitting in the waiting room for a half hour, I thought I was going to die. Really I did. I had to empty "just a bit" twice. I thought I was going to die. When it was finally over and I could pee, I couldn't. I seriously think I was near kidney failure. It was an awful experience.

Fast forward to the day of the transfer.

I only started drinking water a half hour before we had to arrive. I was dreading this. I kept saying to the hubs... If I'm not full, they can wait. I just don't care!! We walked in, I barely had to go. I complied with their water drinking demands and drank what they told me to, so I didn't care. The nurse came in to get me, asked if I felt full. I said I drank the requirements, but it's hard to tell if I'm full because last time was so horrible. Eye roll from nursing staff.. They've heard that before. So can you imagine my delight, seriously it was delight, when the nurse checked and said not only was I full, but I could empty, and I didn't even feel like I had to go... At all!!!!!!! You would have thought I won the lottery, I was so damn excited about my non painful full bladder!! My husband and I high fived each other because we we're shocked! I think at that moment my husband realized how overly full my bladder was last time. I was so happy, knowing I wouldn't be in crazy pain for the next hour. Relief!!

That relief was short lived because our RE waltzed in with one piece of paper. A picture of an embryo. Just one... There should be two. Why is there only one???? Are the rest of these embryos goners leaving us with this one shot? However, I could see the picture from across the room... A HATCHING EMBRYO!! I knew that was great news. So she sits down and I brace myself. She says that she knows we don't want to know anything, but she begs me to let her tell us. Now I'm already freaking out because there is only one picture. So some good news will help things right now.

She said there were 3 amazing embryos from the day 3 batch. There was no need to thaw the day 5 embryos. She said that she knows we discussed transferring 2 embryos, can still do that, but if we did that there is a strong likelihood that there will be twins.

Holy shit balls did she really just tell us good news?!? She asked how many we want to transfer. We were speechless. I thought I had prepared myself for everything. Turns out I had not prepared myself for good news. We just looked at each other. In the end, we decided to go with one. We have 5 amazing day 5 blasts frozen. Frozen hope.  Hope that if this should not work out, we still have another shot.

And without further adieux I introduce you to the incredible time traveling hatching sea monkey!!!



The transfer went smoothly. I was comfortable*. I can tell you with all sincerity, this was up there with the happiest days of our lives.

I seriously still can not wrap my head around the fact that something good just happened. We've been living worst case scenario for so long... I am so not familiar with this best case scenario ideology. What is this? Where are the hidden cameras saying this is a joke? Pinch me... Actually don't. Let me just relish in this for a minute.

*at the end of this transfer I still did not have to pee half as bad as I did when I walked in the building last time (because I dont think you quite comprehend how bad I had to pee last time!)

I was sent home with these instructions, which crack me up every time I get them.  So I leave you with this.....  DO NOT STICK ANYTHING IN YOUR VAGINA.

Twas the night before transfer....

*released from the vault, already happened

It is the night before the transfer, I am cool as a cucumber. 

I read a fellow bloggers blog this morning and it was talking about how many of her embryos survived the thaw.  Then it hit me... My embryos are thawing... I wonder how many of ours survived the thaw.  I would know this had I not told that woman to tell me NOTHING! 

... and then I came full circle.

I could be flipping the fuck out right now, if we got bad news, and Im not.  Whew... Good decision!

It still didnt hit me what could be happening tomorrow.  I feel so numb to all of this.




source

Ignorance is bliss

*Already happened

The embryologist called to double check the plan. Thaw the 6 day 3 embryos and see how many of them grow to blasts before dipping into the blastocyst safety stock.

I asked her if she had my file in front of her.. Yes she did!

Perfect, now I thought was the perfect time to tell her about my plan. My plan is to know as little as possible in regards to the status of these embryos until after the pregnancy tests. Last time we did this I went into my two week wait knowing that our only shot was in my uterus. After that, game over, start at round one. I can not do that again. Last time I was about one week past transfer and was filling out our application for donor embryos. Crazy! I totally tweaked out. So what would my options be if I knew this was going south? Not a lot.

I think in this case ignorance is truly bliss. There is no reason I need to know anything about any of the embryos not in my uterus.

So our conversation went like this:

Me: we don't want to know anything at all about these embryos. Nothing, nada!

Her: wow! Okay great... Usually we don't get this request.

Me: yea, I'll freak out no matter what you tell me, so it's best I don't know.

Her: well do you want to know if there are any leftover frozen

Me: no

Her: well the dr will update you the day of the transfer

Me: yea, I plan on shutting her down too! We discussed transferring two, if there aren't two just transfer one. Don't tell me, just do it.

Her: okay, I'll make a note. Do you want to know if we used the day 5 blasts?

Me: no

Her: do you want to know.. These questions seemed to keep coming. Do you want to know if they are abducted by aliens? Do you want to know if... I just kept saying NO!

She again reiterated I was the easiest patient ever.

We've been here before. I wish people knew how touch and go all of this really is. Literally one minute everything is great and going according to plan... And the next your hopeful future children are dead in a dish. I don't know how you can have hope without devastation when it doesn't work out. I think for my well being that I can save that devastation for a more appropriate time. I dont want to know anything.

Numb

Releasing the vault. The following already occurred.

I can't believe we are doing this. Honestly, I'm totally weirded out by my attitude during all of this so far. I have no feelings whatsoever about this. I've been taking my meds like a good little girl. So far, just lupron and estrace.

My dosage was just recently increased from 4 to 6 mgs and it's kicking my butt. During ivf I only took 2 mgs I had no side effects. This is kicking my arse a little bit. I can't sleep but I'm tired. I'm in a fog. Up until this recent increase I had no side effects at all.

Today was my lining check. I am just one giant ray of sunshine, let me tell you! They did an ultrasound to ensure my lining was good enough to schedule the transfer. As the image became clear, they gasped in excitement... Wow! This looks great! I just laid there waiting for them to pull the rug out from under me. She then starts looking at my ovaries... She tells me my left ovary looks good. I said... Yea, what about the right one? That looks good too.

I know we are doing a frozen embryo transfer... I know my ovaries have nothing to do with this. I am simply unable to be positive. I can be neutral, but not positive. I'm going into these appointments with as much excitement as you would have for a teeth cleaning.

So, with that said... We are scheduled for the embryo transfer in exactly one week. Maybe at that point I'll realize the importance of what is happening here.

You know when your foot falls asleep and no matter how hard you try, the pins and needles go away on their own terms... It's kind of like that.