Yesterday in the break room I caught the story of the guy jumping from 23 miles up.
*This hot air balloon, all alleged 55 stories of it, looks like its made of dollar store trash bags. Not really okay for trash, also not okay for for floating 23 miles up.
* His outfit. It looks exactly like Neil Armstrong's when he landed on the moon. Is this guy sure he will be able to pull his parachute?
*He's trying to break the sound barrier.... With his body. With his body!!!!!!!!!! I just think maybe this is a bad idea. Don't people in airplanes do this for a few seconds in the comfort of an airplane and nearly pass out? Which brings me back to... Are you going to be able to pull that cord? How do parachutes withstand that much wind during the free fall?
* The data collected during his fall is going to be collected for information on recreational space travel. In the event that your spacecraft breaks down you may be able to jump to earth. Seriously?!?
*It's sponsored by RedBull. Have you seen their commercials? It usually does not end well.
*his balloon takes flight from Roswell... How appropriate!
I could go on and on with this. Needless to say I, along with my coworkers, we're so excited to watch this jump... For all the wrong reasons. When people do incredibly stupid things... I really enjoy watching.
His flight was canceled because of the wind. THE WIND!!! You are trying to break a sound barrier with your body and you are worried about a breeze.
Thanks life for yet another disappointment.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Losing ones shit...
Do you remember the day you found out you were one of them? You know, those infertile chicks.
For me, it was exactly this time one year ago. The RE just told me our only chance of having a child would be ivf. I remember it started the unraveling of the old me. I knew ivf had a 50% success rate... And as a person who habitually falls on the wrong side of statistics... I knew this was bad. I seriously was flipping the fuck out.
Do you ever wish you could go back and have a talk with yourself?
Here's how that convo would go:
Dear KayBee,
I know you just got some really shitty news... But I'm REALLY going to need you to hold it together, you see things are really going to get so much crazier than you could have ever anticipated.
You're trying to find the cash to pay for IVF. Do yourself a favor... Flush that $24,000 down the toilet because your suspicions are correct... That shit aint going to work. You agonized for weeks over which IVF package to purchase. You sprung for the bonus package with unlimited transfers until a live birth... Oh yea, you sign a contract that says "unlimited transfers until a live birth" how horrible. It really won't matter because you won't have any embryos to do any additional transfers. So chill.
The dr's will make a deal with you, because they like you. They will do another round of IVF at 50% off* (*fine print: if you have a pregnancy that results in the live birth of a child they want the other 50%).
Soon enough you will be buying embryos, based off of a vague profile, on the Internet. ... Just go to this website and pick a batch.
You will find yourself in an alternate universe.
So, what I'm saying here is this... You don't have any control here. Throw your hands up and do your very best to enjoy the ride... Because you are going to be here a while. Today is not the day to lose your shit.
Xoxo,
Your future self
For me, it was exactly this time one year ago. The RE just told me our only chance of having a child would be ivf. I remember it started the unraveling of the old me. I knew ivf had a 50% success rate... And as a person who habitually falls on the wrong side of statistics... I knew this was bad. I seriously was flipping the fuck out.
Do you ever wish you could go back and have a talk with yourself?
Here's how that convo would go:
Dear KayBee,
I know you just got some really shitty news... But I'm REALLY going to need you to hold it together, you see things are really going to get so much crazier than you could have ever anticipated.
You're trying to find the cash to pay for IVF. Do yourself a favor... Flush that $24,000 down the toilet because your suspicions are correct... That shit aint going to work. You agonized for weeks over which IVF package to purchase. You sprung for the bonus package with unlimited transfers until a live birth... Oh yea, you sign a contract that says "unlimited transfers until a live birth" how horrible. It really won't matter because you won't have any embryos to do any additional transfers. So chill.
The dr's will make a deal with you, because they like you. They will do another round of IVF at 50% off* (*fine print: if you have a pregnancy that results in the live birth of a child they want the other 50%).
Soon enough you will be buying embryos, based off of a vague profile, on the Internet. ... Just go to this website and pick a batch.
You will find yourself in an alternate universe.
So, what I'm saying here is this... You don't have any control here. Throw your hands up and do your very best to enjoy the ride... Because you are going to be here a while. Today is not the day to lose your shit.
Xoxo,
Your future self
Sunday, October 7, 2012
My husband thinks he's hilarious
And as a special reward for his humor he will accompany me to the bathroom in the middle of the night and spell ICUP.
It's Halloween and I decided it was perfectly acceptable to watch a scary movie... And by watch, I mean sit there with my eyes and ears covered for over and hour. I'm a wussy.
After the movie, I go into the kitchen to this:
It's Halloween and I decided it was perfectly acceptable to watch a scary movie... And by watch, I mean sit there with my eyes and ears covered for over and hour. I'm a wussy.
After the movie, I go into the kitchen to this:
He's really not funny.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Put the cat back in the bag.
When I first started this blog, it was intended to update family members/friends about what was going on. When you and your husband are having surgeries, it's a lot harder to keep infertility a secret.
Once the cat was out of the bag, people wanted to know every single heart breaking detail. They cared, i get that. As many of you infertiles know, this isn't easy to live through... Let alone talk about. So when we would forget to tell one person something but would tell someone else, people would take things personal. We started to have to deal with a good amount of criticism.
Totally unfair? Absolutely. I turned into Angry Spice. People don't know what this is like. To those of you with children that would like to have an idea... Look around your house. There are photos, memories, cherished belongings your children have given you. Now imagine I come into your house and take all that away. These memories never happened. Imagine how different your life would be. That is the future we are facing.
As an effort to get some peace from the madness, we decided this blog would be great. We wanted to speak out. We wanted people to know what was happening. The problem is that honestly, most people will never understand this. Me writing about it really didn't change that. Those people that didn't understand, still don't understand. The criticism continued. Criticism at the worst possible time. It wasn't all bad, we did get tons of support because of it. However, one bad experience is one too many.. And a few is just more than I care to add to my plate right now.
Not long after I started the blog, I came across this amazing group of women that offered support. They understood. MY INTERNET FRIENDS! This place became a source of therapy. Soon the purpose of this blog shifted, from update family/friends to support group.
When I first started the blog, I was writing in past tense about things that already happened. I never really thought about how we would handle the next round.
As more and more time goes by, it's clear, we have to keep this private. Since real world people read the blog, we really don't know how to handle it. It stinks, because I wish We could talk about the this. I wish I could have that support I've found here when going through this next transfer.
So, in conclusion, self preservation wins... When is the transfer? We aren't telling, at least for now. We can only deal with this right now. Our own feelings. Adding more to that is simply not an option this next go around.
We'd like to see rainbows shooting out of everyone's ass this next go around. :)
To the internet friends, I feel so incredibly guilty about this.
Once the cat was out of the bag, people wanted to know every single heart breaking detail. They cared, i get that. As many of you infertiles know, this isn't easy to live through... Let alone talk about. So when we would forget to tell one person something but would tell someone else, people would take things personal. We started to have to deal with a good amount of criticism.
Totally unfair? Absolutely. I turned into Angry Spice. People don't know what this is like. To those of you with children that would like to have an idea... Look around your house. There are photos, memories, cherished belongings your children have given you. Now imagine I come into your house and take all that away. These memories never happened. Imagine how different your life would be. That is the future we are facing.
As an effort to get some peace from the madness, we decided this blog would be great. We wanted to speak out. We wanted people to know what was happening. The problem is that honestly, most people will never understand this. Me writing about it really didn't change that. Those people that didn't understand, still don't understand. The criticism continued. Criticism at the worst possible time. It wasn't all bad, we did get tons of support because of it. However, one bad experience is one too many.. And a few is just more than I care to add to my plate right now.
Not long after I started the blog, I came across this amazing group of women that offered support. They understood. MY INTERNET FRIENDS! This place became a source of therapy. Soon the purpose of this blog shifted, from update family/friends to support group.
When I first started the blog, I was writing in past tense about things that already happened. I never really thought about how we would handle the next round.
As more and more time goes by, it's clear, we have to keep this private. Since real world people read the blog, we really don't know how to handle it. It stinks, because I wish We could talk about the this. I wish I could have that support I've found here when going through this next transfer.
So, in conclusion, self preservation wins... When is the transfer? We aren't telling, at least for now. We can only deal with this right now. Our own feelings. Adding more to that is simply not an option this next go around.
We'd like to see rainbows shooting out of everyone's ass this next go around. :)
To the internet friends, I feel so incredibly guilty about this.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Twilight Zone
I suppose now would be a good time to discuss these mystery embryos. Prepare to enter THE TWILIGHT ZONE... CUE CREEPY MUSIC NOW. There are 9 embryos. They have been frozen since 1999. 1999! In 1999, Britney was singing... "Baby One More Time", Ricky Martin was livin la vida loca, and Destiny's Child had all of it's original members. I was starting my freshman year of college.... in the meantime, in a far away land, these embryos were being made. This piece of information has continued to BLOW MY MIND!
From the minute I saw "9 embryos made in 1999", I had a weird strange connection to them. We requested information on two sets of embryos. Initially she sent the other set. We kept saying, yea these are great, but please send us the information on the 1999 set.
So when our RE said that she approved of either set, we followed our heart. Sure they were old, and frozen using older techniques, but given the fact that during this whole entire process, we havent really had a say about anything it felt good to finally be able to have a say. It was also scary as hell. You are, after all, selecting your potential future children. No big deal ;)
I went to my appointment to discuss the game plan with my RE. In the back of my mind I was prepared for the worse. In 1999 they did things a little different. They froze the embryos on Day 3. There are 6 Day 3 embryos, and 3 day 6 embryos.
However, the craziest thing happened, the RE told me that she was very optimistic about things. She explained that she studied under the doctor that preformed the IVF. Small world. She told me these are very advanced embryos for 1999. The clinic was ahead of the game for 1999. So the game plan is to thaw the 6 day 3 embryos for a few days and transfer the ones that get to blastocyst stage. She felt very good about them. Then she shared even better news... (well it depends on your definition of good news, because it's not that great of news for the donor, I know first hand how horrible this must have been for them). The donor was young when she did IVF and only did so because she had tubal issues. She has very happy about this, and informed me that this is great news for me, because it's like having an egg donor. Apparently, tubal issues have a higher success rate, because the infertility isnt due to egg quality. (This in no way discredits anyone suffering infertility due to tubal issues). I think I skipped out of that appointment, for the first time in over a year, finally what appears to be some mildly good news.
From the minute I saw "9 embryos made in 1999", I had a weird strange connection to them. We requested information on two sets of embryos. Initially she sent the other set. We kept saying, yea these are great, but please send us the information on the 1999 set.
So when our RE said that she approved of either set, we followed our heart. Sure they were old, and frozen using older techniques, but given the fact that during this whole entire process, we havent really had a say about anything it felt good to finally be able to have a say. It was also scary as hell. You are, after all, selecting your potential future children. No big deal ;)
I went to my appointment to discuss the game plan with my RE. In the back of my mind I was prepared for the worse. In 1999 they did things a little different. They froze the embryos on Day 3. There are 6 Day 3 embryos, and 3 day 6 embryos.
However, the craziest thing happened, the RE told me that she was very optimistic about things. She explained that she studied under the doctor that preformed the IVF. Small world. She told me these are very advanced embryos for 1999. The clinic was ahead of the game for 1999. So the game plan is to thaw the 6 day 3 embryos for a few days and transfer the ones that get to blastocyst stage. She felt very good about them. Then she shared even better news... (well it depends on your definition of good news, because it's not that great of news for the donor, I know first hand how horrible this must have been for them). The donor was young when she did IVF and only did so because she had tubal issues. She has very happy about this, and informed me that this is great news for me, because it's like having an egg donor. Apparently, tubal issues have a higher success rate, because the infertility isnt due to egg quality. (This in no way discredits anyone suffering infertility due to tubal issues). I think I skipped out of that appointment, for the first time in over a year, finally what appears to be some mildly good news.
Monday, October 1, 2012
A weird glimpse into my marriage
The hubs... Love him dearly.
He's usually cool as a cucumber. To outsiders he isn't phased by much. Do you want to know how I know he's stressed? He sleep walks like he is fucking Indiana Jones raiding the lost Arc! Sometimes he barricades the room with sweatshirts to keep the snakes out. Sometimes he hunts insects in the room.
Then there are the times like a few nights ago.
He wakes me up nudging me... "Kristie WAKE UP!! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!!!"
Naturally, I wake up in panic... "What did you just see?!"
Him: I SAW A MAN WALKING IN THE HALLWAY! YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!
Me: WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU SAW A MAN IN THE HALLWAY?
I'm getting out of bed searching for the nearest weapon, and this fool is getting back in bed getting under the covers.
Me: DUDE!! GET UP NOW!!! What are you talking about.
Him: I saw a man, it was nothing, just go to bed.
Me: still freaking out... Seriously if you don't wake up and give this house the all clear I'm hitting you with a bat!
Him: just go to bed.
Okay, so I'm starting to realize he's sleep walking.
I check the house, the dogs are sleeping peacefully, I know there's no one in the house.
Fast forward to the next morning where he says... MAN, can we talk about my sleep walking?
I just looked at him like... Yea! I'm well aware.
He's usually cool as a cucumber. To outsiders he isn't phased by much. Do you want to know how I know he's stressed? He sleep walks like he is fucking Indiana Jones raiding the lost Arc! Sometimes he barricades the room with sweatshirts to keep the snakes out. Sometimes he hunts insects in the room.
Then there are the times like a few nights ago.
He wakes me up nudging me... "Kristie WAKE UP!! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!!!"
Naturally, I wake up in panic... "What did you just see?!"
Him: I SAW A MAN WALKING IN THE HALLWAY! YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!
Me: WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU SAW A MAN IN THE HALLWAY?
I'm getting out of bed searching for the nearest weapon, and this fool is getting back in bed getting under the covers.
Me: DUDE!! GET UP NOW!!! What are you talking about.
Him: I saw a man, it was nothing, just go to bed.
Me: still freaking out... Seriously if you don't wake up and give this house the all clear I'm hitting you with a bat!
Him: just go to bed.
Okay, so I'm starting to realize he's sleep walking.
I check the house, the dogs are sleeping peacefully, I know there's no one in the house.
Fast forward to the next morning where he says... MAN, can we talk about my sleep walking?
I just looked at him like... Yea! I'm well aware.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Honda Helen
Back by popular demand... Honda Helen!
Have you ever met someone that is so loud, has a larger than life spirit... So loud that after they leave a room you can still hear them? That is my grandmother. I don't actually think I've mourned her death yet, because I swear to you... I can still here her plain as day.
Growing up we would always dance to the Jitterbug. It drove her nuts that I never ate the crust of bread. So wasteful!
For a while she was my school bus driver. In fact, she once told me if I ever got bad grades that she would help dispose of the evidence. So one day, I got the courage to toss my bad grade papers down the street after exiting her bus of course it was a windy day and my Mom caught some of the papers blowing down the street. Mission failed!
I will never forget not long after she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had her breast removed. The cancer society gave her a fancy bra with a fake boob in it. After a few tries, she gave up on the bra. She said it was too heavy. She preferred the prosthetic my grandfather made for her... WAIT FOR IT.... A BAG OF BIRDSEED. It would not be an abnormal occurrence to hear the following in their house.... "Tom!!! GO GET ME MY BIRDSEED PLEASE!"
She was touch and go for over a year. One day I got the phone call to come to the hospital immediately, things weren't looking good. I rushed there. My grandfather was so upset. I'm crying, he's crying, we're saying our goodbyes. All of the sudden she opens her eyes and sees me in her face crying. She had a look terror. I'm rubbing her hand telling her I love her. This continues for a few more minutes. She looks totally confused. Well it turns out the hospital called the wrong family. She wasn't that close to the light. Once we got her oxygen mask off she was talking up a storm. Comic relief!
One of her favorite movies was Pootie Tang. Yes, you heard that right. I'd also be willing to bet she has a VHS of every episode of PeeWee's Playhouse... NOW YOU SAID THE MAGIC WORD!!! AHHHHHH! (only makes sense if you watched PeeWees playhouse)
As she got sicker, we discussed her wishes. She wanted to be cremated but wanted a headstone. I remember her telling me that she wanted people to know she had lived. In hindsight, I wish she knew that it would be impossible for anyone to ever forget that.
Look at that picture of my grandparents! I die every time I see it! Love them.
The one of her and me in the pool with her butt stuck in it is my all time favorite.
Have you ever met someone that is so loud, has a larger than life spirit... So loud that after they leave a room you can still hear them? That is my grandmother. I don't actually think I've mourned her death yet, because I swear to you... I can still here her plain as day.
Growing up we would always dance to the Jitterbug. It drove her nuts that I never ate the crust of bread. So wasteful!
For a while she was my school bus driver. In fact, she once told me if I ever got bad grades that she would help dispose of the evidence. So one day, I got the courage to toss my bad grade papers down the street after exiting her bus of course it was a windy day and my Mom caught some of the papers blowing down the street. Mission failed!
I will never forget not long after she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had her breast removed. The cancer society gave her a fancy bra with a fake boob in it. After a few tries, she gave up on the bra. She said it was too heavy. She preferred the prosthetic my grandfather made for her... WAIT FOR IT.... A BAG OF BIRDSEED. It would not be an abnormal occurrence to hear the following in their house.... "Tom!!! GO GET ME MY BIRDSEED PLEASE!"
She was touch and go for over a year. One day I got the phone call to come to the hospital immediately, things weren't looking good. I rushed there. My grandfather was so upset. I'm crying, he's crying, we're saying our goodbyes. All of the sudden she opens her eyes and sees me in her face crying. She had a look terror. I'm rubbing her hand telling her I love her. This continues for a few more minutes. She looks totally confused. Well it turns out the hospital called the wrong family. She wasn't that close to the light. Once we got her oxygen mask off she was talking up a storm. Comic relief!
One of her favorite movies was Pootie Tang. Yes, you heard that right. I'd also be willing to bet she has a VHS of every episode of PeeWee's Playhouse... NOW YOU SAID THE MAGIC WORD!!! AHHHHHH! (only makes sense if you watched PeeWees playhouse)
As she got sicker, we discussed her wishes. She wanted to be cremated but wanted a headstone. I remember her telling me that she wanted people to know she had lived. In hindsight, I wish she knew that it would be impossible for anyone to ever forget that.
Look at that picture of my grandparents! I die every time I see it! Love them.
The one of her and me in the pool with her butt stuck in it is my all time favorite.
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