Things couldn't be better

It's been a very long time since I blogged.  Out of curiosity, I came back here for a visit to see what you were all up to.  How awesome to see how much things have changed in your worlds. 

I look back at my previous posts, and it makes me sad.  It makes me sad because I genuinely believed that things were never going to work out for us.  Statistics, brought me to that place, but let's just tuck that all away and call it the dark ages. 

We tried one last cycle as a final hail mary.  After being told by numerous doctors I was going to have twins on every single cycle... we were told these embryos looked horrible and wouldnt take.  We were asked if we even wanted to complete the transfer.  I told Tom yes, he cried, I cried, and I just said... Jesus... take the wheel.  These people dont know what they are talking about.  I believed in that instant, that there was a higher power that had a plan for us.  Then I just said whatever will be will be.

Well, after a difficult pregnancy, early onset pre-eclampsia,  gestational diabetes, a one month hospital stay, a 24 day hospital stay in NICU we finally brought home my baby girl Kora. It is just mind blowing.  My life has changed so much since then.  This little girl, she's changed our whole world.  To say we are happy.... that doesn't do it justice.  We are disgustingly happy.  The kind of happy that has seen the dark side, and is eternally grateful for the gift that we have received.  She will be 2 shortly.  It's unbelievable.  

When I originally started this blog, I had hoped that one day... one day... this blog would be called "things couldn't be better" and it would be the God's honest truth.  I can honestly say, things have been great.  We had a rough start, but things are sickeningly, amazingly, awesomely great right now.

For those of you still in the trenches, I would tell you, dont give up.  You might have to change the game plan, but hang in there and keep the hope alive.  I hope to keep blogging, about life, and whatever I feel like.  I've missed you all. 

Doing really really good. :)

Thanks to all of you that have reached out to me.  It means so much.  For the first time, in a long time, I have peace with all of this mess.

For right now, not much going on. Im working on that new blog.  Shoot me an email if you would like the link when it's up and running,  along with the link to your blog.  I think this is the last post I will have here. 

We head to Disney World on Sunday, a much needed break!!! Can not wait.

Hope things are good for all of you!

xoxo

I'm Still Standing

Well, we are still breathing.  I still hate God and his insane clown posse.  It's a battle of the heart and common sense.  Common sense says God is a fictitious douche with evil magical powers... my heart says maybe someday there will be a plan for us.  For right now... we just need to relax, enjoy life.  I have to get this fat off of my body by any means necessary, which I am not against taking scissors to remove some of it manually.  There are additional breasts developing in my underarm area.. and I just feel like that needs to be addressed immediately.

I went to my WTF appointment, our third.  Where the RE told us that "these things happen" and that "she wishes that she had more answers for us".  She said that she would like to chalk this up to really bad luck, because there is just no reason medically that this should be happening to us at this time.  She told us that if we were to try again that she would opt for a more natural cycle.  Something about no Lupron which perked me up a little bit, but also adding Follistim and Gannerelix... I checked out.  I do not think we are ready to do this again.  I quit... game over... God.. I hear your message and I get it... we should not have children.  LOUD AND FUCKING CLEAR... WE GET IT. Message received.  We surrender. You fucking bully.

link

With that said, I know feel pretty comfortable in responding to the question "Do you have children?" with the appropriate response, "No, we can not have children".  Gulp, I choked up a bit just typing that, but it's the truth.  Not in the same sense that that girl from high school told everyone she knew that she could not have children and then ended up with four illegitimate children from four different fathers.  But in the actual clinical sense based off of scientific data... we can not have children.  So while that response may make you, fictitious person asking me such dumb questions, feel uncomfortable... your question makes me feel equally uncomfortable, so we are even.

Another decision... We must get our privacy back.  Letting people (in real life) know about this blog seemed like a good idea at the time.  It was great when discussing things that already happened.  It was not great discussing things while they happened.  It was really not great having everyone under the sun know about the most recent happenings.  So Im going to password protect the blog.  Just email me and I will give you bloggers my password.  It's hard opening up like this... and now that things have taken a turn, I still could use the support of all of my bloggy friends out there who understand what we are going through.  Now should I know you in real life, and you want to start a blog posting your diary on the internet, please feel free to send me a link and I will send you the password... because then, and only then... will we be on equal footing. Blogger friends, if you wouldn't mind, just linking or naming your blog in the email... I'd really appreciate it, just to help me know who I am talking to. 

To the people in real life, we are getting back into the swing of things.  Expect things to go back to the way they were.  You know so much about our past two years.  We opened up, and I remember being so hopeful for a day where this would end well.  However, unfortunately... this did not end well.  Expect the answer to "how are you?" to be "great... things couldnt be better".  This story doesn't end with a happy ending.  Good things don't always happen to good people.  Everything is not okay in the end, and yes... this is the end.  People die every day not getting their happy ending.  And some people simply can not have children. So we are going to make the best of THIS life. 



I am going to take a minute and talk about some of the good in my life.  Husband, seriously the most amazing man in the whole world.  I'm so lucky.  He's handsome, smart, funny, kind... love him. We actually have a lot of fun together.  Which from what I see out there... is rare.  He's the kind of guy that proudly comes home from Costco with an industrial pack of breathe right strips... and I'm the kind of girl that says to him "Oh, Wow, were really doing this!" As I strap one to my face.  We are such dorks and there is no one in this world I'd rather be with. I am so very lucky.

We are also so lucky to have such awesome people in our life.  Thank you for your support over these past few years.  We really do appreciate it.  It's time to move on.  It's time to not have this dictate our every move, or our every conversation.  To stop living our life in fertility cycles.  It's time to live a little.

Email me at kaybees522 at gmail dot com If I don't respond, it's because I haven't figured out how to password protect this thing yet.  I may need to start a new blog, and at least I will have your email addresses to forward that information on to you.

What I'm going to look like while trying to figure out how to password protect this bitch.  Should you know how... please email me... PLEASE!

And another for the next person who tells me they are pregnant.  This little girl's face is likely how I will be looking at you...

Blasphemy and 7 Stages of Grief

There are really no words to describe how we feel right now... I mean I will do my best but it's all over the place.  I must also add... thank you all for your kind words. It was and is appreciated. 

1.  When we decided that we were going to go down the road of embryo adoption, we did so thinking this road would suck a lot less than the heart break of another failed round of IVF.  WRONG! This road is actually turning out to suck far more than that.  Who would have known?!? The joke, yet again, is on us.

2.  I am strong willed in general... No one is going to keep me down, especially not God, who shall be known as "The Supreme Mother Fucker" until I feel as though this dude, who alleges to actually have ones back, get off his fat lazy ass and actually have ones back (offensive, yes... but that is how I feel).  If God were my friend in real life I would have kung fu chopped him in his mother fucking throat quite some time ago. I have about as much faith in him as I do Santa.  With time, maybe that will change, but today is not the day. Blasphemy.

This strong will is in fact a saving grace sometimes because I'm not going to let "The Supreme Mother Fucker" get the best of me.  So Im going to get up and pretend that this life is exactly how I envisioned it.  Im not going to lay in bed and cry all day long, like I'd like to.  Im going to show this Mother Fucker who is Boss.  Suck My Ass!

3.  Im now forced into reevaluating my life.  Serious hard core mid-life crisis.  You know how all of you friends of mine reading this dont invite us to your kids functions because we dont have kids... well now you all have kids.  Leaving us as the black childless sheep.  I'm now on a mission to find/create a group of people that do not have children and like to have fun. This means making new friends.   We are not necessarily social people, but given the circumstances we can no longer sit at home and stare at the empty nest.  It's fucking depressing as shit.  Also, given the circumstances, I'm not quite sure how I would even feel about hanging out right now.  It's like being at Oprah's Christmas show... "YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR... but you two assholes do not get a car and get to sit here and watch everyone else drive off into the sunset in their shiny new cars." I seriously feel like life as I knew it is over.  Our future is not even remotely close to going to plan.  Our past needs to be re-evaluated because I'm not into torture... which hanging out with all you smiley happy people able to move on with your life is kind of like torture. Did I ever think I would be this person??? Nope.  Will I feel that way forever?  Probably not.  But right now I do.


4.  In response to how are we doing...  How in the hell do you think we are doing?   We are doing exactly the way you would expect two people who have been trying everything under the sun to have a child... who finally get pregnant only to find out it was a fucking joke are doing... NOT WELL. My way of dealing with this is to pretend that this did not happen.  Easier said than done and I am certain, it's not the healthiest way to deal.  I've never been one to dwell on crap... this one is harder to get past.

5.  If you ask me if I have "thought about adoption or a surrogate"... from now on please do so with a check in your hand, which I will gladly accept.  Of course we have thought about adoption and/ or a surrogate.  It's kind of like asking the person thirsty in the desert if they have thought about getting a drink of water.  Im sure that they have, but if you could kindly direct me to a fucking well I would gladly get a drink.

Surrogates/Gestational carriers cost somewhere around 40-70k.  Adoptions 30-40k.  Unfortunately we do not have that kind of money just laying around.  Oh... and foster care... I'm 32 years old.  I didn't exactly plan on taking my child bra shopping within the first week of meeting them.  Thanks but no thanks. That shit is just weird and makes me feel like I would be on "To Catch A Predator".

Don't believe me?  Go ahead and google it... pretend that you are looking this up for yourself.  Pretend that these are your options. 

6.  I started cramping on NYE... It all became real.  I couldn't eat.  I just sat and cried... and then I looked at my husband, I jumped up and said I am not doing this.  We called Walt Disney, personally, booked a trip to Disney World.  Happiest place on Earth.  Somehow I'm seeing the SuperBowl commercial... but instead it's like... "You just had a miscarriage... what are you going to do????" "IM GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!"  Poor financial decision... absolutely.

7.  There are 3 embryos left.  I think they are better off on ice indefinitely.  Unfortunately being thawed means they meet their untimely death in my angry ute.  We are in need of a break.  I can no longer think about this or what is next for a long time.  There are no future plans except having fun, enjoying cocktails, living life, and mostly anything other than this.   

8.  Conflicting information... how does one do #7 when none of that is really what they want?  Any answers?  Please feel free to let me in on the secret.

Im sorry for this angry rant... but I suppose The 7 signs of Grief are in full effect... I'm in strong denial.  Skipped guilt... and am in a full on rager right now.

Sasquatch Sighting

Imagine that you are in your back yard... Imagine that out of the corner of your eye you see Big Foot, you turn and you and Big Foot lock eyes.  Im sure you are thinking to yourself a number of things that include...

1.  WTF was that?
2.  Am I seeing what I think I am seeing?
3.  Is this a dream?
4.  Am I high?
5.  Does anyone else see what I just saw?
6.  Should I scream?
7.  Is this even possible?
8.  Never in my entire life did I ever think I would ever see THIS.  


Well that is exactly how I felt when I saw THIS...

I kind of had an inkling that this had worked out, when my husband came down to the basement to watch TV with me with leftover chicken cheese steak.  I sat there for a few minutes sweating... and then I had to get up because the smell of chicken cheese steak made me want to vomit.  But I chalked it up to hormones and called it a day.

The day before Christmas Eve we were over my in-laws.  We were watching a movie.  I had to get up because I was about to vomit.  Second clue.  But again... we've been here before, so again, I told myself it was hormones.

My husband and I had previously made a pact that we were going to test on Christmas morning.  Christmas Eve night I went to bed at 10:00.  We are typically night owls so this is early for us.  I woke up at 2:30am and decided to POAS.  Sure we made a pact, but I was going to break it.  If it was negative, I would just pee on one when I woke up and we could cry all by ourselves on Christmas morning... I'm not above trickery.  So I did it... and sure enough there were two lines.  I could not believe it.  I didnt cry or anything.  I think I am still in complete shock.  But then I came up with this genius plan...

I wrapped the stick in the paper and put it in the bottom of his stocking.  I then laid in bed for 3 hours wide awake trying to get him to wake up and open presents.  He didn't!!!  I finally fell asleep.  When the big moment came to POAS.... I went to the bathroom and came out.  He's looking at me...
I said..."MAN! I forgot to do the test!!!"
He said... "are you kidding me?" 
Me: "No! Well, lets just go open presents, we can do that later."

So that's what we did. We opened gifts.  My husband loves Christmas, so there was no twisting of the arm there.  So I made him open his gifts first.  Then I told him there were some things in his stockings.  I packed that sucker... so the test was in the very bottom.  Start Wars bobble heads... A mini mega phone... A Flyers cup he wanted.

And then... he dug out the test.  He opened it!  It was pretty awesome.  A Christmas Miracle!!!!!!

Before you go jumping for joy... you have to know this story does not end well.  I wrote all of the above before last Thursday.  On last Thursday, I did my normal POAS, and I saw this...

For some of you positive people you wouldnt have even noticed why I freaked the fuck out when I saw this third test on the bottom Thursday morning.  However most of you probably know why... It wasnt darker.  The line wasnt darker.  In fact, in my opinion, at the time of the test, it was lighter.  I tried to pretend that it was because I had drank more water.  I tried to convince myself a million reasons as to why the line was lighter... but I knew.  I hoped I was wrong, but I knew.  I called the doctors office and they moved up my beta by a day. 

A few hours later, I got the call... "we have some mixed results, your beta number is very low.  It should be much higher than this.  I'm very very sorry, but this does not look like a viable pregnancy.  I am very very sorry, but please continue to take your medicine until your next beta on Saturday."   It was the first time I ever broke down with the nurse on the phone.  We came so far, why is this happening to us? 

Everyone tried to tell me that this was just a low HCG, but I knew better.  Sure you can google and hear all sorts of miracle stories, but I know this much... miracles dont happen to me.  I fall on the shitty end of statistics.  I knew it was over, of course I hoped I was wrong.

Saturday, it snowed 2 inches.  My appointment got rescheduled until Sunday.  Saturday evening, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I POAS again... if this was over, it was going to show up on the test.  I saw this....

 

It was over.  Sunday's appointment confirmed.. Game over.

With that said... I have to giant middle fingers for God.  He's quite the asshole.  I feel like we are on the recieving end of the cruelest of cruel jokes.

 

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

First an update:  I had a scare this morning... blood on TP spotting and cramping, cue freak out.  I called the doctors office and they upped my progesterone injections.  Im really glad that I called.  Whatever will be will be, I just need to wait it out.  I havent tested yet... out of sheer terror. 

With that said...

Ugly Christmas Sweater Photo's- I'd post more photo's but I'm not sure how my loved ones would feel about starring in the blog.   So I'm limited.

The dessert spread:

The Cake

More of the dessert spread

I think the Balls really accentuate my FAT ASS!  (Another gift from infertility). 

These fancy pants have a sequin zipper

Sober Tree

Drunk Tree

My ugly sweater, those nasty kitties have real faux fur.  So gross.  Not long after this photo was taken, I was hugging the porcelain God.  Too much Rumchata.

The annual Christmas card... people wait for this all year round.  Lucy and Doc... the worst behaved dogs this side of the Mason-Dixon.

We wish you a Merry Christmas!

The wait is killing me.

I rarely have no words, but regarding our transfer it just doesn't feel that awesome writing about being hopeful and all that jazz on a day of such horror.  It's like September 11th, everyone will remember where they were that day, but I was in stirrups wishing for what had just been taken from those families.  I simply can not even begin to imagine their pain.

And with that...

This freaking wait is killing me.  I will say this.. cycling over the holidays is pretty amazing.  There is all of this stuff to keep busy.  To prevent me from googling if sneezing is in fact a pregnancy symptom.  It doesn't change the fact that I want it to be over, but it does make the time pass a little bit easier having so much other stuff to do.  

People say, I just have a feeling this is going to work.  Well they had that feeling the last two times too, and we all know how that played out.  So your track record is crap!  ;)  I get asked a lot how I feel.  I feel like a normal person.  There's nothing that I feel that couldn't be chalked up to the super dose of hormones.  If this were under normal circumstances... I feel exactly the same way anyone else would feel a week after ovulation.  NOTHING. Trust me, I wish there was a baby kicking... but it simply does not work that way.

Im pretty sure this worked.  We will have triplets.  We will never have to deal with this ever again.  Two girls one boy.  We will happily ever after (more lies as I try to trick myself into a pregnancy).

*Also add 90210 to the list of shows that are covering infertility topics where you least expect it (yes... I watch 90210, I told you I watch a lot of bad tv).

You can't escape infertility

Did you know that there are infertility references everywhere? Movies where you least expect it. In fact, I have the attention span of a fly and rarely watch movies. I prefer shows... 30 minutes or less. So why is it that every movie I watch has some reference... My husband and I just look at each other like REALLY?!?

*Beetlejuice
*The Watch
* A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas

Also, every freaking show I watch has some reference to it.

The infertility monster says...
YOU CAN RUN BUT CAN NOT HIDE!!!

Source (http://www.gremlins.com/garage/galleryView.jsp?buildupUid=190)

Unimaginable

During our transfer, As my husband and I hoped for a baby of our own, families were told the horrific news that their babies were no longer with them.

During our transfer, the staff was just finding out about this horrific act. How could anyone do such a thing?

Prayers don't seem enough during times like these.

Wish us luck

Feels weird saying that, but seriously... wish us luck... PLEASE!  :) 

First, I still have to update photo's from the party, but that involves me locating the attachment for the memory card in my camera.... Sooooooooo that may be a while.

My lining check on Friday went well.  I snuck in there just at the lower limit to proceed at 8.2mm  (holy crap... snuck isnt a word.  it's sneaked... I never knew sneaked is a word... DU-MASS right here).

This is sort of funny, because my last lining check was crazy high... like 18mm.  They gasped when they saw it and exclaimed that I was ready to go.  I believe this is because a good chunk of that was polyps.  Now I'm extremely glad I got all of that removed... even though I STILL HAVE A HOLE IN MY STOMACH! That's saying a lot. 

So we are all set for Friday.  With good embryos and a cleaned out ute we should be twinning in no time (said as I try really really hard to trick myself into a pregnancy).

Also... I started with progesterone injections and I believe I have developed a needle phobia.  I started crying like a 4 year old and it didn't even hurt.  The thing is that some of these needles don't hurt at all, and some of them feel like you are being shanked via a shiv. You never know which it's going to be... so you find yourself sitting there like... "NO WAMMY! NO WAMMY!  NO WAMMY!" So Im getting this anxiety before I even get a shot.  Why do FET cycles have to be so damn long?  It's 6 weeks of needles before pregnancy test. 

Since starting the progesterone, I actually am starting to feel a little bit better.  I have more energy and this morning I woke up without feeling like I was ran over by a dump truck.  Prior to progesterone, I could not complete the simplest of tasks without getting distracted/sidetracked/forgetting where I was or how I got there.  Like a real life alien invasion, except it wasn't aliens, it was Lupron.  It truly got so bad that driving a vehicle was probably not a good idea. I was a complete mess.  I have ADD and it was like if ADD had ADD.  Not cool.

Update on my boss... who I really really really really DO NOT LIKE.  We get a bonus, yesterday he told some people the amount but didnt tell me.  This morning, he calls me in and informs me that he "accidentally" gave me a smaller bonus than I earned.  My boss's boss caught it.  I am the only one that this happened to.  I cant help but feel like this was no accident.  I think he thought he was pulling a fast one and got caught.  He said it was an error from the drop box and he accidentally selected the wrong amount.  He then tells me that he "realizes this looks suspicious like it was done intentional."  Now HR had to get involved to fix it, and he looks like a bigger jerk.  Let's face it.. he doesn't look like a jerk, he is in fact, an actual jerk.

Oh well, by this time next Friday I will be P.U.P.O. with twins (again, I'm lying to myself).

I almost forgot!  Thanks for all the uterine scraping information.  RE says that my ute is scraped out plenty from the surgery.  

 

What do you know about uterine scraping?

Any of you ladies have any experience with uterine scraping prior to transfer?  Success?

I attached a link to an article.  I have never had any experience with this, and given the fact that this is kind of it, Im suggesting it to the clinic.

link

Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Hormonal Ramblings

All over the place with ramblings and such.

Okay folks, I have my lining check on Friday.  That means we are less than two weeks from embryo transfer.  Holy Cow.  This cycle has made me beyond exhausted.  However, other than that I really try to pretend it’s just another day.  Nothing major is happening.  La Te Da.  You know, when all of this madness has lost all of it’s luster.  You for sure know that this doesn’t have to work, in fact you habitually fall on the wrong side of statistics.  There is that little bastard called hope.  Of course I hope this works out.  I hope that this is done and over with because right now we are stuck.  Stuck in this place where we hope for a future that’s different than the path we are on.  Stuck here in the in between.  I can not do this anymore.  So, I think it’s game over if this doesn’t work.  We start planning for the child free future. 

For those of you that know us in real life... list all grievances now.  After next Friday (consider yourself warned) we do not need any additional unpleasantries.  Our life is unpleasant enough.  So please get this out now.  It seems like every cycle people come out of the wood work during the two week wait.  This cycle, I have to be selfish.  I have to say this.  Usually, I'm the type of person that would drop anything for anyone.  Not now.  I have to do this for us.  We have a lot riding on this.  A cross roads of sorts for how our life is going to play out.  I can not look back on this next cycle and know I put someone else's needs in front of our own.  Should you want to help, come over sometime during that wait and keep me from peeing on sticks like a psychopath because should I see one negative test, I will die.  

Also, all you kind people who have volunteered your uterus. We’re coming after you should this not work.  Get ready.  Start taking your vitamins.  I kid.  I kid.  (Not really).  

Our life resembles a circus.  We have been very open about all of this.  Let me vent… Do you ever come across people that act like they want to be there for you, but it just seems that they really just want front row seats to the circus?  Relationships are based on a two way street.  My pet peeve is people that want to advise you on your life problems, yet never want to share their own.  We all have problems.  However it’s the ones that want you to confess your darkest moments while they sit there acting like everything is just peaches in their own.  Ummm… I can see that your life is also in shambles… so if I need to talk to someone, I have a counselor for that.  I don’t like one sided relationships.  It’s less about developing a relationship and more about making the other person feel like they have a purpose.    Don’t do that at my expense… go get a hobby.

Can you tell Im all hopped up on bitter hormones?

I ran over a squirrel yesterday in my work parking lot, and had to drive past the kill for lunch and returning from lunch.  Uff… I wanted to cry.  I just want a regular day where nothing ridiculous happens.  Last Thursday our heater leaked water everywhere.  It was in the basement and THANK GOD I caught it right before it leaked from the unfinished side to the finished side.  

Update on the hole:  It’s getting a lot better.  It’s still there, but closing up.  I’ve been putting Vitamin E on it, and that has helped me sooooooo much.

On Saturday we are having an ugly Christmas Sweater Party.  Woot Woot!  I am so excited about this.  I need something to divert my attention from my real life.  Our house looks like the freaking North Pole.  We have two trees this year.  Im calling one tree the drunk tree and the other tree the sober tree.  The basement “drunk” tree is filled with beach ornaments… Santa at the beach, pink flamingos, Hawaiian lei lights.  It’s awesome.  This year is the first year we have a traditional tree, AKA “sober tree”.  I’ll put pictures of everything some time this weekend.  I got a cake that looks like an ugly sweater.  I am attempting to fill my yard with those blow up things, which I really hate.  I want like 10 of them, and unfortunately I can only find 3 without buying them… so I think I have to scratch the idea. Booo.  I was imagining everyones face when they pulled up to “that house”. 

You have died of dysentery!

I simply could not make this stuff up if I tried… and because of this… I know that “The Secret”  That asinine book I’ve been reading is totally full of it.  

So on Thursday, AKA Thanksgiving Day, my husband cooked the turkey.  It’s his thing, he loves to do it, I don’t… and that’s that.  He started cooking the turkey early in the morning.  Around 3:00pm I notice that the light in the oven is off.  

Note: at this time the turkey temperature is 160*’s and it needs to get to 160*.  

I look up to turn the stove light on, and the whole display panel is off… indicating that the power is out.  Initially I thought we blew a fuse.  I ran to the fuse box… we did not blow a fuse.  The oven, just the oven, as the stove top still was working called it quits. 

I believe it belted out something to the effect of… “and Im spent!!!!!!!!!”

All of our sides were cooked/warmed on the grill…. Along with the pumpkin bread pudding I had prepped for dessert.  

You know, because life simply has been too easy on us.  Now lets add this to the mix.  

Dinner was a success, although the universe is truly trying to sabotage me. ( I stick two middle fingers up to the sky!!!! Take that sucka’s!!!!!!)

We ended up going and getting a new stove on Sunday evening.  The sales guy laughed while he informed us that we got to Sears exactly one hour before the sale ended.  

Im not quite sure whether I am winning or losing these days. 

I still have a giant hole in my stomach.  The pictures don’t do it much justice.  I am about 5 weeks past surgery. This is insanity.  The doctors don’t seem to care that there is a HOLE IN MY STOMACH!  I kind of liked my stomach sans hole.

This Lupron is sucking the freaking life out of me.  Actually, I am not sure if it’s the Lurpon or this fucking “journey” that is sucking the life out of me.  I feel like I am in the video game The Oregon Trail.  This FET had better work, if not… I do not have it in me to do this again.   I think if it doesn’t work, it’s game over.  

source

PS.  I DVR those shows... Dateline mysteries.  The most recent one that recorded.... 

The guy who helped write The Secret, or develop the philosophy was the same guy that accidentally killed the people in the sweat lodge in Arizona.  According to the principles of  The Secret, he is a murderer.  I did not know this.   

November ICLW.

It's been a while since I have participated.  So welcome! 

For those of you new here, it's probably best that you just pop over to the timeline.  I'll try to sum up our journey, it's very uplifting... Im messed up, hubs is messed up, I have lap/hys, he has surgery, straight to IVF, IVF=FAIL, do not respond to stimulation, donor embryo... First FET with donor embryos=Fail, laproscopy surgery again, allergic to glue, currently in the beginning of FET cycle number two with donor embryos. 

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for two years now.  This journey does end for some people right?  It's been long and tiresome. 

Should anyone have questions regarding donor embryo, or anything else, feel free to email me.

I am starting FET cycle number two, these are long and boring cycles. Six weeks long beginning to end. I'm currently injecting with Lupron and I start estrace on Friday. I had my baseline check today, all was well... YAY!  I have a lining check in 2 weeks. 

Now a brief story that is not made up, this actually happened:

I was driving to a doctors appointment, quite proud of myself because I wasnt running late.  Suddenly flashing lights from behind.  The officer informs me that I didnt "roll through a stop sign, but I didnt exactly come to a complete stop".  What is that?!?  So he asks for the usual, license, insurance and registration.  Of course, the only insurance card I can find is expired.  So he goes back to his car and does whatever they do.  He comes back... now I can see that I am going to get a ticket.  I had to name drop my husbands cousins name because she is his boss to get out of it (shameful I know).  The guy starts huffing and puffing.  He says he is still giving me a ticket for the insurance, but I can dispute it.  I said fine.  Then he says the craziest thing... he cant let me drive without insurance.  He informs me he is going to escort me home.  I assume he means to find an insurance card.  So here I am getting followed home by a cop.  Then I get in the driveway and he's like... are you okay?  uhhh... am I okay he's the one with the problem. Then he drives off.  Now I feel like this is a trap.  Am I not allowed to leave my house until I find an insurance card?  So I call the insurance company, in Delaware, it's illegal to email a copy of the insurance card... WTH. I was finally able to print something out so I wasnt riding dirty.  I was scared it was a trap, like he was sitting at the end of  my road.  The cops name: Officer McCracken (true story).  Officer McCracken has a real boner for the law.

tryin to catch me riding dirty.

Anyway, I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!

The Secret.

Desperation will make you do a lot of things you wouldn't normally do.  In desperation, I recently started reading "The Secret". 

So get this, the secret is that anything bad that has happened to you... you did it to yourself, yea it really says that.  You secretly asked the universe for this.  I really do not recall asking the universe FOR THIS!  However, in desperation, I will run with this idea... because I will be one to admit... my current way of thinking is not really working out for me. 

So apparently when we all hoped we weren't infertile, the universe heard "infertile" and ran with it... wish granted.  I think there was a slight misunderstanding between me and the universe.  What I'm getting from this book is that if you lie to yourself and pretend... whatever it is that you want is going to happen... it happens.  I am fairly certain there is a clinical term for this called DENIAL, but whatever. 

The book seriously says to pretend your bills are checks and be grateful for them.... then bam!  The universe grants you with cash.  MAGIC! 

SERIOUSLY!  IF I ONLY KNEW THE SECRET YEARS AGO. 

So with that said, I have received lots of checks in the mail.  I also lost 50 pounds.  I am currently the proud parent to healthy triplets (making up for lost time here).  My beach house is freaking amazing.  My life is amazing! You are all jealous of me!  Tomorrow we are going to the gala.

I strongly recommend the read if for nothing else, entertainment purposes.  We will all have our wishes granted! 

I really have to do anything and everything to turn this around.  Right now... I have the foulest attitude known to man.  I have contemplated quiting this cycle. My head just isnt right this time around. 

Do you have a song that you hear and it really helps to get your head back in the infertility game? A pep talk of sorts...

For me, it is Florence and the Machine "Shake it out" video  

I think I hear this song when I really really need it the most. Do you ladies have a song?  Because right now.. I need to create a playlist.

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

 

Thanksgiving=meltdown.

I've been trying to "do well"  but I am not.  I am so sick and tired of everything being so damn difficult.  Everything.  As we approach the fictitious due date of the failure IVF... I approach flipping out. 

Due date would have been Thanksgiving day.  Oh there would have been so much to be thankful for.  It was going to be glorious.  Well that isnt the case and in fact, my life is in fucking shambles.   We have since bought embryos online, had a failed FET, a surgery... I have a fucking hole in my stomach.  A hole.  Today my co worker (we're close and track it's progress daily because were bff's) asked me when that hole was going to heal up.  I had hoped by 3 weeks it would be healed... but its not... still a gaping hole in my stomach. The welt is going away though. The itch is going away. 

 

The picture doesnt give the hole much justice because i had just packed it with ointment.  But as you can see the welt is going away. 

 

It's these standout "holidays" that sting the worse.. You'd like to look back and realize how far you have come, but instead you look back and find out you are still stuck in the same same spot with more battle scars... both physical and emotional.

 

 

Today a doctor who is aware that we were doing because he tried to give me some steroids the day of a transfer told me unsolicited... as in we were not talking about my effed up life that my life should be a lifetime network movie.  I laughed because it's true... but Im not really in the mood for this. 

 

Im averaging a daily cry at my desk at work.  Im not really a crier.   My patience is wearing thin.  This situation is getting on my freaking nerves.  Im sick of doctors office visits, needles, being probed, nothing going according to plan... nothing at all.  We are tired of this garbage.... tired!   I dont know how some of you ladies do this shit for 2 plus years.  I really do not know.

 

I feel like Im living in a dirty tampon commercial, if they had those. 

 

This, however, did make me happy.  I was watching Blackout (the show where people guess stuff in the dark).  I told you I watch bad TV... but this was hilarious.  They were smelling items and had to guess... dirty socks, fish, and then this....  

 

 

The answer was butt.  He is sniffing in someone's ass.  Suddenly all was right with the world.

 

 



Every day we are cycling....

Sung to Party Rock and you have yourself a catchy little tune. That's what this feels like.  Now where are those dancing hamsters?


So we started this next cycle.  Doping began last night.  I expect this to be relatively uneventful because FET cycles are so long, and boring.... totaling about 6 weeks.  No follicles to admire. Nada.  Plus at this point, it's our third transfer. We are sort of experts now... and after this, we will have sampled all of the RE's at our clinic and be able to make a recommendation to any patients based on what they need.  (I wish there was a sarcastic smiley face).  I can think of nothing better than being those straggler patients that dont get knocked up and ruin the clinics statistics.  That's us.

On that note.... I leave you with this:

Last cycle, there was an injury during a doping session.  Im questioning whether it was an accident, my husband has threatened me on numerous occasions with the progesterone needle (in jest... so he says). So I had just got my shot and my husband was rubbing the oil in my arse.  Romantic right?

I reached back... and this happened.

The needle went through my finger and punctured my other finger.  It didnt actually hurt that bad, but when I saw it I thought I was going to vomit. 

Update: Another PSA... to save you money.

The endometriosis scam of 2012 did not work... wah!

But I am in need of some good baby Karma and thought I would pass this along.

Lupron out of pocket prices at the pharmacy recommended by the RE 535.92/vial.  I need two.

At another pharmacy: 857/vial

At Caremark: 198/vial... I will take two please. Oh whats that... they even throw in complimentary alcohol wipes and biohazard containers... Yes please!

Should you need meds... I'd highly recommend calling Caremark at 1-877-408-9742 option number 1

Anyone else have any tips/ steals on meds? 

Update: My Re office called me... the original pharmacy that quoted 535 also makes their own formulation of the drug.  This version has to be refridgerated (who cares) and costs 89/vial out of pocket.  I asked if they deliver to anyone and she said anyone with a prescription to Lurpon can get it.  It's at Rosemont pharmacy 1-610-525-0927.  They fedex all orders next day.... so no worries if you arent in the PA area.


So after 45 minutes of being on hold and a whole lot of time being pissed off  I canceled my previous order and ordered through the original company.  This is all so insane to me.  I hope this helps someone.

Calgon take me away

I am in such a bad mood.  A bad mood doesn’t even begin to put a dent in it.  A colossal foul mood.  Throw a temper tantrum… while sitting at my desk… crying all by myself bad mood.

Yesterday, I went back to the RE because my stomach still looks like this 2 weeks post surgery.  For two freaking weeks I have had an itch that can only be equated to that of a yeast infection on my entire stomach.  For two weeks I have wanted to crawl out of my skin.  The steroids initially helped, but once I was down to 3 pills in the pack, it came back with vengeance.  I officially look like I have syphilis…. Actually I wish I had syphilis because I’ve heard that is easily treatable.  This on the other hand is some crazy thing never seen or treated before.

Yesterday, I went to the RE and you know… it’s like talking to your grandma with dementia… to everyone.  What’s wrong?  Start all over. Explain everything all over again, only for her to go get a nurse… where we rinse and repeat. Only for her to get a doctor where we rinse and repeat.  Only for him to tell me that they specialize in vagina’s not rash’s… NO SHIT! And to have him forward me to a dermatologist. 

Go wait in the waiting room while we try to schedule you at the dermatologist. 

Okay…. Tick tick tick tick…

Okay… we have an appointment for you at 5:10pm at the dermatologist.

Go back to work.

Leave to go to that appointment.  Right when I get on the interstate ramp… the windshield wiper blade popped off of the wiper.  There is a nor’easter and now Im stuck on the interstate behind a tractor trailer with no wiper on the driver side.  I cant leave the wiper on because the metal is scratching the glass, and the wiper is hanging on by a thread and I don’t want to lose it on the interstate.  I get off the interstate, fix it in the pouring rain. Happy to be alive.

Get to the dermatologists office.   Fill out all 900 pages of that paperwork.   Get called in and have to talk to the nurse.  I tell her everything.  Again, she calls for back up.  Rinse repeat.  I think you are allergic to the antibiotic.  This rash is everywhere. 

No, I am not allergic to the antibiotic.  I had the rash before I took that.  Well I think you have an infection.  No you have cellulitis.  You have idding (whatever the hell that is).  No You have an infection and cellulitis.  I have no idea what I actually left with being diagnosed as having, but I did leave with them calling in two prescriptions for a steroid cream and an antibiotic cream.  

At this point, I do not feel like waiting at the pharmacy.  I just want to go home.  I call my husband and ask him to pick up the prescription.  It should be ready by the time he gets there. 

Well it wasn’t.  In fact they didn’t even have the script.  So he’s calling me  and I’m calling the dr’s office which is now after hours so Im getting the message service.  Then he calls me and tells me that they only have one script.  I just knew it is going to be the antibiotic… the one I don’t really really need!  Husband asks the pharmacist which script do they have… naturally the antibiotic.  Im calling the after hours number again.  Then they found the script, then oh wait they didn’t, then they really did find it.

Are you freaking kidding me right now with all of this?  

Finally, husband gets home and I get a shower because I am about to crawl out of my skin.  So the creams are applied and things are looking better. Lets not get ahead of ourselves there is still plenty of time for shit to hit the fan.

Suddenly it dawns on me that I ordered all of the meds except Lupron and I need to start taking that on Sunday.  So after much fuss dealing with my new prescription coverage last week with this, I decided to follow up with them to see what was going on.  Its with Caremark for those of you that may have had to deal with them.  They were supposed to call me back on Monday with a plan. Today I find out that I have a person assigned to me and she will call me back.  Well can you please tell me why I have to call her?  Why after 6 days of having the prescription has she not contacted me?  So Im slightly agitated.  I leave her the voicemail.  She calls back while Im on the phone with the other pharmacy trying to get a back up plan in place.  Then I call her back.  She tells me that I do not have prescription coverage on infertility drugs.  Yea I knew that, but after three cycles of this… I am a professional scam artist.  So I reply… well it’s not for infertility, it’s for the treatment of endometriosis. After I said that, she was stumped and said she would talk to the department that approves it and see if it is covered.  So that is still out there, fingers crossed that gets approved through insurance.

On top of that… it’s been one of those days at work where people are asking you random questions before you even get to your desk.  You know those days where other people don’t do their job, and it becomes your problem.  I don’t feel good, I’m tired, I’m itchy and the world is annoying me.

This seems like it has easily become a full time job again.  I need an assistant.

I need a sign.

I went back to work today.  After spending a half day here, I can honestly say it's a toss up as to which I would rather have... hives or be at work?

Uff... I really need to get my life in order, but then again... that's sort of a joke.

The universe has a funny way of poo pooíng any plans I make. 

I think I need a sign... because right now the universe is telling me I should live under an overpass and pick up a drug habit.

You?  Any life plans?